Monday, November 30, 2015

Best Way to Describe Your Date

'So I'm dating this guy now'
'Really? Tell me about him.'
'He's male. Caucasian. About 6 ft tall and doesn't have any piercings or tattoos.'
- as watched on 'Superstore' Tv show

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Manners Makes Menches

Over Shabbos, we were graced with numerous guests at our table. I must add that I feel lucky to have such amazing parents, who always welcome guests even at the last minute, no matter what the situation, we have an open door policy and its something I aspire to have IY"H when I have my own home. 
One of the few guests was Rivky, a Baalas Teshuva whom I met at a wedding a few years back. She's really sweet, doesn't have much family and has been a 'guest' at our meals before. This time, she asked if she can bring a 'plus one'. Turns out Rivky was dating this guy Shmulie, and as he had traveled to see her, didn't really have a set place to be. And so commenced our meal. 
I was curious to see her mystery man as I never really could put her as any specific 'type'. I was sitting directly opposite the two and at certain points during the meal, felt a bit nosy, as they were quite obviously flirting with each other without hesitation, with all of us around. Except everyone has somewhere else to look/focus/ and concentrate on. I had already thought of every excuse to leave the table and has to make do, so I let me eyes rest on the chicken platter.
And that's when it happened. Shmulie took chicken from the platter, put it in his plate and licked his fingers quite obviously between bites. I couldn't believe it at first but then I noticed my brother staring with the same expression. 
And that's not all, he didn't get up from the table ONCE, even to ask if we need help, or bring his plate. Instead he roughly asked/ordered people to pass the dishes and platters to him. 
Not even saying anything complimentary, as in 'this meal was good' or 'this salmon is delicious' just busy with the food and himself and his fingers. I
I watched as my mother served him with dignity, as she does everyone ele, yet the other guests were offering to help or actually helping but not him. 
Frankly I was surprised Rifky didn't notice. It's really not her type as she is super polite. I know she's an 'older' single (whatever that means anymore) but i figured if it's not her first date she must notice certain mannerisms (or lack thereof) about Shmulie?!?
Needless to say they stayed the longest of all the guests and even though we were exhausted, we sat and listened and made conversation until finally the lights went out and that sorta pushed Shmulie to let Rivky know he was ready to leave. 
As I closed the door behind them, I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief that it was over. Although I'm sad for Rivky if she will continue on dating him. She deserves better and better is someone with basic manners. Someone who will treat her properly and help her out in everyday life, such as a Shabbos meal. I hope whatever is Bashert works out and that she gets a real mentsch like she deserves. 
That meal was a true eye opener to me...and everyone else at the table. 

Monday, October 26, 2015

The New Age

It used to be that it wasn't such a 'major' deal. Especially if everything else on 'the list' checked out. But not anymore my friends. These days being the same age as a guy is a whole new issue. Hence seems to be the reason for guys saying 'no' to me. 
Don't get me wrong, way back when i started dating I remember being redt boys who were the same age or younger. Being a 19-20 year old girl, you can imagine my extreme hesitancy in dating (for marriage) a boy who was only 19 or 20 max. And even then, when I said no-he's too young, I got harassed by the people suggesting it. Age, they told me, shouldn't be a major deal breaker. I was told some boys are just much more mature than others. Ya, either that or they needed someone to put them in place, or to mother them. As if their own mom's weren't enough helicopter mom is for them.  
Fast forward a good decade later. When I'm suggested and have gone out with guys the same age, or a few years my junior and guess what? We both survived the dates, and as mutually grown up mature adults, have decided not to continue dating. 
Yet, when a profile comes along or someone is redt and all sounds like it can be a potentially good match, the guy says no solely because we are the same age....or a few months younger. And at that point the Shadchan sighs and says 'what can we do? He made his decision and that's that'. Not that the Shadchans convince them that everything else seems to be a good fit and why not give it a try. An hour or two for a coffee break? Make some calls before knocking the idea. No sir ree. The boy said no because of age and that's final. 
Where are those harassing shadchans now? Why aren't they telling the guys that wanting to date a girl 10 years younger isnt usually ideal and to give it a chance? 
I just don't get these guys? 
Any insight from the males out there, would be gladly appreciated. 

Thursday, October 15, 2015

What to Look for in a Shidduch

It is told that a Jew from Yerushalayim once traveled to Bnei Brak to ask the rosh yeshivah of Ponevezh, Rav Shmuel Rozovsky zt”l, about a boy in the yeshivah for his daughter who had reached marriageable age. He arrived at the yeshivah and entered the rosh yeshivah’s home during the break between learning sessions.
The man had many questions. First, he wanted to know how many hours a day the bachur learned. Was he punctual in arriving to seder and did he spend his time diligently? Did he come to davening on time and did he actively participate in theshiur? Did he ask relevant questions and understand the answers?R’ Shmuel greeted him cordially and asked why he had come. He explained to the rosh yeshivah that he was inquiring about a particular boy. R’ Shmuel told him to ask him what was on his mind.
R’ Shmuel knew the boy well and was able to answer every question satisfactorily. After receiving a favorable report in regard to his questions, the man thanked R’ Shmuel for his time and got up to leave. At this point, R’ Shmuel, in his gentle and noble way, turned to the father and said, “You’ve asked me a number of questions. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions, too?” Of course, the man agreed.
R’ Shmuel looked at the man and said, “It seems to me that you are inquiring about the boy for your daughter and you seem happy with the report I gave you. You obviously think that all your daughter needs to know is whether he comes on time and if he is a lamdan.” The man nodded his head in agreement.
“But did it ever occur to you,” asked R’ Shmuel, “that your daughter might want to know if this boy is a mentsch? If he is a ba’al chessed?”
R’ Shmuel continued, “It would seem fitting that you should ask me: How often does he brush his teeth? How does he behave in the company of others? Does he arrive first in the dining room and take the biggest portion, or does he linger after Minchah for a few minutes to learn more and then eat whatever portion is left when he gets to the dining room?”
The man started to interject, but R’ Shmuel continued speaking. “I’m sure your daughter would be curious to know what he does when the pitcher on the table is empty. Does he wait for someone else to fill it up or does he run to fill it himself? Does he ever go into the kitchen to thank the staff for preparing the food? Does he eat the food even if he doesn’t care for it, or does he just go to the nearby kiosk to buy something he likes?
“You came to the conclusion that he is a masmid; did you ask what he does when he finishes learning late at night and his roommates are sleeping? Does he take off his shoes and tiptoe in so as not to wake them, or does he walk in noisily? Does he make his bed and keep his things neat? Does he think about others and want to do chessed for them, or does he just think about himself?” R’ Shmuel concluded, “I think that you need to check these things out. If he arrives home in the afternoon and does not like the food your daughter worked hard to prepare, will his face reflect obvious dissatisfaction? Will your daughter then be happy that her father checked this boy out with the rosh yeshivah who told him that he knows every Ketzosand Rabi Akiva Eiger? Will she say, ‘It’s true that he has no manners and no social skills, but I respect him anyway because he knows the sugya of the bees and the mustard in Bava Basra’?”
The man hung his head in shame, realizing his oversight. He understood R’ Shmuel’s message and now knew the proper approach to finding a shidduch for a bas Yisrael. It is important for a bachur to be diligent, but one must also remember that nothing in this world, and certainly no marriage, can exist without chessed.

Chazal tell us that Noach used a “secret weapon” with which he was able to rebuild the world after the destruction of the Flood: Olam chessed yibaneh—“the world will be built upon kindness” (Tehillim 89:3).
Rav Mordechai Gifter zt”l explains that Noach was locked inside a floating ark for 120 days with nothing to do butchessed for his family and for the animals. This was all for the sole purpose of entrenching the ideal of chessed into his very being so that when it would be time to come out and start the world over again, he would do so with the attribute of kindness. This was, and continues to be, the only way the world can exist.

(Excerpted from Torah Tavlin vol. 3, with permission via www.theyeshivaworld) 

Thursday, September 24, 2015

He's "Busy" Right Now...

Two weeks. It's been two weeks already that I've been getting the runaround from different people and yet, I'm still where I started=absolutely nowhere.

I was redt to three guys at the same time. Yes, this has happened before, but because it's so hard for a frum girl to get a decent date these days, we look them as they come in.
Boy #1 was redt loads of times before. In fact I heard his name/city/age/occupation so many times but never got further than that because the guy never got back to anyone who redt the shidduch in the first place (otherwise known as 'not interested'). But this time, it was a relative of mine who met him. They got talking, Jewish geography, they found out they share relatives, hence I share relatives with the guy, so basically why say no? We're all one big happy family. 
"trust me" I told the relative, "the guy is NOT interested. It was suggested so many times and he never got back or followed up with any of them. If he was interested we would know."
But family being family, they didn't take no for an answer and they pursued. The guy told them he most definitely was interested but with Yom Tov coming up, he was traveling, etc. and he would let them know after Rosh Hashana. End result: They pursued, he responded by saying "he's busy."

Guy #2 was suggested to me months ago. I actually liked what I heard about him and he seemed like the type of guy I would go for. I was (for once) really happy that it was being redt but the shadchan never got back to me. I must've stalked the shadchan with emails/text messages, only to keep getting replies that the boy was 'busy' seeing someone. This went on for months. Atleast once a month I send an email to see what is going on, and it seems he is 'still busy'.

Guy #3 as well, was suggested before. He had requested I send my resume which I did. He then requested my photo, which I reluctantly sent. I usually don't send a photo, and am not comfortable with sending one unless the guy sees my information first and thinks it's shayach to proceed. At the same time, the person who redt it knew us both personally so she could've vouched for me (which she claims she did), and because she is someone I know, I sent my photo, trusting her. I never heard back and then, when I asked her a week or two later what happened, she said he was 'still thinking about it' this was after I sent my photo. Then there was some 'busy' excuse and it was forgotten. It was brought up once again, by the same woman, and once more, sounding vaguely familiar to him he asked for a photo. I explained that if he wasn't interested in my photo last year, I haven't changed that drastically to have a different photo this year. Again, the woman convinced me that since she knows him personally, it is totally understandable to send my photo once more, but was upset about it. Then again, who knows what us singles have to go through just to find out true zivug. In the interim, I was in touch with her to find out what his answer was....She said she just got a message that 'he was busy now'. My beef with this situation: if the shadchan just called him a day or two before and he was busy or was going to go out with a girl-why would he even ASK for a photo, knowing he was starting something?!?!?

The conclusion to all this: 'BUSY' is just a polite excuse to say no, he ain't interested.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

It's Whats on the INSIDE that Counts?

As frum Bais Yaakov girls, we were always taught about middos, and being good to others. To Daven with kavannah, act like a mentsch and dress tzniusdikly. 
I hope I checked off all the boxes above. 
There is however something they don't mention, which is you can do all the above and still dress trendy look put together. You don't have to be a shluch, and trust me, the moment you hit the Shidduch scene, it's all about looks. As much as I hate to admit it, most people judge but what they see. After all, if you're wearing bullet proof stockings-you must be Chassidish. If you are married and not covering your hair, you must be modern orthodox, and if a guy wears a kapatah, he must be Lubavitch. To a certain extent, our outside reflects who we are on the inside.
Which is why I sorta have to give a bit of credit to author of this post, Ms. Chizhik-Goldschmidt who says it as it is. 
For me, personally, I know that as much as looks count, I'm not going to marry a super star or even a model. I know that in the end, personality will win over. I'm BIG on personality, and a guy can look as good as he wants and dress to the T, but if he acts like a diva, or a deadbeat-he's outta my game.
And guys do care about how a girl looks and dresses. Notice on most male dating profiles they write 'looking for someone who is beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside' which is saying it nicely. I've also seen  some guys' profiles where they clearly state a preference of hair color/height/skirt size/weight, etc.
So, the point of this post is you can look good, be put together and still be tznius and act like a true Bas Yisrael. Men like to be impressed, and we gotta do our best to impress :)

Thursday, August 27, 2015

What Type of Woman are You Looking for?

A Shadchan asked the 'best bochur in Lakewood' what he was looking for in a girl. 
After some thought, the bochur replied. "I was driving down the Garden State Parkway last week when I noticed what seemed to be a heimishe woman trying to change a flat tire. I felt bad that she was obviously by herself and made a U-turn, figuring I would check it out for sure by driving slowly this time. Sure enough she was a heimishe kollel woman from Lakewood and I helped her change the tire. After I was done and about to drop the spare in the trunk, she put her finger to her lips and whispered,
"Please don't slam the trunk. I don't want to wake up my husband-he's sleeping in the back seat...'

The Bochur smiled at the Shadchan and said 'That's what I'm looking for in a girl!'

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Same Time, Same Place?

It happens. You get suggested two guy at the same time. Both of them said yes. Of course, all guys usually sound the same. So you look into the first and it sounds good. You look into the second and that too sounds good. You call back the Shadchan and give your go ahead for the first guy. You then call the second Shadchan and tell them it's a yes but you will have to get back to them with a definite day and time. 
The first guy shows up, takes you out to a nice restaurant. Really classy place, good food, fancy decor, pretty high priced and full to the brim with people. Lucky for me, the date was SOOO far off that I think we both knew it wasn't going to go past a first date and so we ate, paid and left. 
When I got home I contacted Shadchan number 2 to say I was ready to go out with boy #2 whenever worked for him as he had a more complex schedule. Turns out he wanted to take me out the next night. 
And so the following evening, guy#2 shows up. We get into the car and drive off, only to realize once we arrive, that we are standing at the same exact restaurant I was at the night before. I have a few seconds to gather my thoughts and hide my 'deer in the headlights' look before the waiter turns around, catches a glimpse and smirks. Here I am yet again, same time, same place but different guy. Oh and same waiter. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Another 'AWKWARD' Moment

I thought I'd experienced it all. From the weird dates, to stupid comments, to almost falling over the street grates in my heels over my actual date. Up until last week. 
I was set up as part of my 'shidduch experiment' but a family friend. Being that I was staying at a hotel, the guy met me in the lobby and we walked out to his car.  Naturally, not knowing where he parked or which car was his, I followed closely near him. He proceeded to walk between the cars which made it difficult to walk aside him so I walked behind him. When abruptly, he turns to the side and opens the car door, then realized I'm behind him. 
Which in turn meant, I thought I was following him to either an opened area where he parked or to my door. He suddenly panicked, the look on his face said it all, as he mumbled something about it being too narrow to walk me to the car on the passenger side. 
I was mortified, thinking he probably thought I assumed he would walk to my door to open it for me (which, if you read this blog and know me-is soooo not my type at all!) 
In any case, let's add that notch to my bedpost and move on. 
Lesson learned-watch outside (hotel) window to see where guy is coming from to note which car is his. 

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Shadchan Experiment

This last month I did something like never before. After years of complaining and ranting about 'the system', my friends and I decided to DO something about it. It took some brainstorming sessions but we came up with a plan. So, after recovering from my Shabbos vaca, the 3 of us got together, rented a van and made a road trip to the Big Apple to meet as many Shadchans/Shidduch group as possible in order to gain the maximum amount of exposure in the 'shidduch world' and spread our names. We decided to stay the month so if any SHIDDUCHIM come up we'd be 'in town' to date. 
The experiment started off on a very disappointing foot. We arrived straight to Shadchan #1 who had arranged for a few other shadchanim to be at her house to meet us. After asking us all for our emails and snapping photos (yes-they did take out cameras to take our photos). They suggested we meet every other 'we'll known' Shadchan and wished us hatzlacha. After sitting for what seemed like an hour we left, heads hung low. 
The next Shadchan we met was one of the 'top 5' yet, utterly upsetting. He didn't seem to really care much about us or the fact that we took off time and drove the long drive down for shidduch purposes. He stared at his computer most of the time and nodded his head whilst saying 'ah ha' every few minutes. He said he had some ideas and would be in touch. 
uh-he never was in touch. 
One of us was actually set up during our month stay-just one, and it ended up being set up by her friend. 
Next off was a woman my friend heard of who was pretty popular in terms of Heimishe shidduchim. We got to her house and she was sitting calmly on her couch, smiling at us and patting the spot next to her for us to sit down. Of course we all sat on the 'other side' of the couch and left my friend, Dassy to sit next to her as she was the one who made the appointment. Needless to say it felt super intimidating to be sitting next to this woman with a plastered smile on her face and just firing question after question in as little as 20 minutes. We got outta there quicker than you can say sorry and continued onto the next few meetings. 
BU I can say that after week#1 it went pretty well. Random friends and acquaintances set each of us up with guys. One shachan I saw even managed to try and arrange something which ended up working out due to a friend of mine intervening but I really felt I was doing my part and putting in Hishtadlus. I came home feeling refreshed that even though nothing really worked out, aTLEASt I went with friends and we made the best of it. Atleast we were each able to meet 1 guy (some of us met 4 guys in a week!) and come away with a feeling of pride when you put time and effort into something and it works out. 
So the shidduch experiment last month, I feel was a true success. 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Shidduch Meeting turned Sour

Being that it's summer and I was looking for a mini vaca, I took advantage of my friend Chani's invite to spend Shabbos with her as she was making a Kiddush for her new baby girl. Off to NY I traveled yet again, but with a crash and happy attitude. This was going to be a great breather and an even better vaca as Chani is one of my closest friends and she's super fun to be around. She's also really sweet and even though she told me to consider this a vaca, she still spent hours calling Shadchan after Shadchan trying to get me set up on a date or ATLEASt a meeting with these famed Shadchans. And then finally, the day I arrived, I had a meeting set up with not ONE Shadchan, but an entire group of them as part of a shidduch organization. 
Whilst plastering a smile on my face I thanked Chani for arranging said meeting and prayed for the best. After all, I've had meetings like these before. In fact I traveled to a few cities for these kind of meetings and rest assured-it didn't go as jolly as I thought it would. But I was in a good place and I trust Chani with my life and it happens that I already sent my profile to this organization so what really, did I have to lose?
Here's how my meeting went:
Me-standing around awkwardly uncomfortable whilst some young married 19 year old secretary gives me the elevator stare & tells me to wait. 
One woman comes into the room, introduces herself as a Shadchan from the group and walk me into a large room. 
I enter the room, all dark, seriously lacking of any air or breeze, no windows and no one inside. I tap my fingers on the table and wait. It's now 10 minutes into set meeting time and my hair is frizzing as I sit there waiting. 
Minutes (which feel like hours) pass by and then a total of 5 people all enter the room. After they all finish chatting amongst themselves they sit around and stare. 
Shadchan 1: what is your name?
Me: I say my name whilst not understanding as she had just asked my name before escorting me into the room. In any case she starts writing notes. 
Shadchan 2: wait I didn't get that, sorry, was just texting my babysitter-can U please repeat and spell your name. 
Me: smiling whilst once more repeating my name (they have my resume so I'm super confused as to why no one even bothered a quick brief review)
Shadchan 4: ok so tell us all, what do your parents do?
Me: so I'm a little caught by the question, especially as I didn't really say anything else about me, but I go on and give them all the basics, i cousin age, height, Shul, etc. 
Shadchan 5: would you go out with a guy who wears colored shirts?
Me: appalled at the ridiculousness of their questions and the way they don't even ask about the personality let alone Middos of the guy but only the shirts matter??!? 
Me: if he shows up at my door in a shirt-that's good enough for me 
Shadchan 3: so what exactly do you do?
Me: I explain my office job. 
Shadchans around the table then go into a Jewish geography conversation as well as naming other people they know amongst them who work the same job. Some ask me general questions they always wanted to know about my position whilst others check their cellphones (for all I know they could be playing solitaire). 
Shadchan 2: hope you don't mind-I'm gonna take a picture of you and then holds up her phone whilst questioning if it's ok with me. 
Me: actually you're sorta putting me on the spot here. I mean your organization did request a photo to be emailed which I did and here I am, with a group of 5 of you and-
Shadchan 2: no, it's just that I won't remember who you are and anyway shidduch pictures aren't really how you look in real life...but OK if you really don't want to...
Me: not sure if she took a photo or not but feeling really uncomfortable as a blush creeps up my neck to the top of my head. 
Shadchan 1: so can you tell us people you went out with that you feel you had a kesher with?
Me: well, if I did have someone or some guys, I would've had them redd again and you're really asking me to think up years of dating on the spot so not really, at the moment. (Here I am, coming to THEM for help-if I had a guy I wanted to date-why would I shlep here to meet them-I would've had him suggested already?!?!)
Shadchan 3: no-meaning, guys you went out with that you dated for a while-like name some names so we can get a feel of what type you're looking for 
Me: are they serious?!? Guys I dated and liked are married with kids already. Besides they are long forgotten as I've B"H moved on. 
Me: sorry-I can't think on the spur of the moment. Had I known you were going to ask for names, I could've spent my trip to NY going through my shidduch books to prepare them for you (yes-I literally said that!)
Shadchan 5: what's your height again?
Me: standing up to show them what I said was true. 
Shadchan 4: would you go out with someone divorced? I mean I don't know of anyone off hand now, but if it DID come up...
Me: sorry I'm not really comfortable with that (and the fact that they're spending time asking lots of theoretical questions but still haven't mentioned any names yet and I've been here for atleast 20 minutes already getting grilled by these people!)
Shadchan 5: asks same question as above but replaces divorce with 'divorced and with kids'
Me: an image goes through my mind of me getting into a car, the guy holds the door open for me, gets into the driver's seat and turns on the motor. He smiles at me and says 'hope you don't mind-I brought my kids along for a FUN date' and I slowly turn around and see 3 little kids strapped into the back seat. 
Me: umm, sorry but I'm still not comfortable with that (silently freaking out) 
A few more 'theoretical' questions are put on the table but tachlis-wise we are getting no where. I've spent Atleast 30 minutes actually 'saying' my resume to each of the 5 of them. I've spelled my name and stood up and answered their questions but now I was going to stand up for myself. 
Me: so you're a big organization-you must have lists and lists of boys and photos?
Shadchans: mumbling and embarrassed smiles....ummm no we actually have lots more girls than boys (uh-no kidding!)
Me: well, if you know of anyone I'm in town for the weekend.
Shadchan 2: sorry I have an appointment with my kid-sorry can you please email your shidduch resume to my personal email as I'm not always in the office. 
Me: after all this-they still want my resume and they HAVE it anyway?!?!(
Me: smiling sure-what's your email address?
Shadchan 5: you know what? Can you also send it to my personal email as I don't get the office emails and only come in for meetings. Thanks. 
Me: sure. 
Shadchans 1 & 2 exit the room explaining they have 'important' things to do, mumble and disappear. 
Shadchan 3,4 & 5 are all checking their smartphones and forget I'm still there. 
Me: thanks again for coming in to meet me. I really appreciate it and if there's anything that comes up-my number is.....
Shadchan 5 is already at the door, closing the lights and the other 2 have somehow disappeared during my thank you. 
Me: embarassingly walk to the door, checking I didn't leave my bag behind and mumble thanks to the last remaining Shadchan. 
I walk out-my hair is completely frizzed, I now sport an Afro as well as streaked face from my melted base and sweat droplets which have obviously dripped down. I have raccoon eyes from half smudged/half melted eyeliner and my skirt is officially glued to my legs. I spent a total of 45 minutes in the room without air conditioning. Without even a cup of water and no one, not one of them realized I was melting or looking a bit weird? 
Well my humiliation for the day was done. I was over the worst. And I made my way back to Chani's house to retell my horror story over fresh rugelach and coffee.
Only sour part of this trip was the shidduch organization. 

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Why Bother With Research?

You know the random suggestions you get every so often? The type when someone you don't know and never met, somehow calls you and has this great idea and you can't figure out how said-person actually even heard of you?
Well, just this past week this woman randomly called my house. Seems she met someone at a wedding who spoke about me and my single-status and this woman suddenly had a great idea as she knew of a guy same age and single as well!
So pants with skirt story continued with a name drop as well as the city the guy lives in. I did some research and lo and behold actually found out he did indeed exist yet he was no where near what I was looking for. Yes I have my specifics and yes I TRY and be open minded but this was quite far off. I was actually insulted with the suggestion and decided I wouldn't say anything mean as for starters the woman didn't even know me. 
In any case I was told to find out some info first and then the boy would look into me. I asked around and sure enough, after enough research found out even more that the guy was totally not for me. 
So I was PROACTIVE. Yes folks, I tracked down someone who was close with the boy himself and asked if he would even be open to dating someone like me. Sure enough the answer was an apologetic 'no'. 
And was I happy? Surely I was! I was polite, courteous, despite how insulted I was and handled things in a respectful manner.  
So why bother with all the nerves and emotions without even asking the guy first if this was at all a possibility?
Think about how much time and energy and hope could've been saved

Friday, July 3, 2015

Picky Pettiness

This week I had the privilege of participating in 3 weddings. Lucky for me, each one was a totally different crowd, so it wasn't boring and it was actually a wonderful experience. 
Unfortunately for me, I got to sit next to 'yentas and yachnes' at each chuppah, which was to say it nicely: the least pleasant part of the weddings. As the music started and the chosson walked down the aisle-the yenting began. At first, they whispered, then their voices turned from loud whisper to soft tone. It got SUPER annoying when the Rabbi was making the brachos and they were picking apart each person's outfit. From there went the flowers, the decor, the band, the singer, etc. I moved away right after the chuppah and enjoyed myself at the bar where I got myself a nice girly drink and danced my heart out all night long.
The second wedding was a more modern affair. Lucky for me, I grew up pretty open-minded, so being an out-of-towner Bais Yaakov girl, I've attended all types of classmates' weddings from chassidish to sefari to lubavitch to modern orthodox. Nothing really surprised me and each person has their own minhagim and I respect that. I guess the people sitting beside me at the chuppah of this particular wedding grew up pretty close minded. They didn't stop talking during the chuppah ceremony, commenting on every part of the chuppah from the Rabbis speech, to the singer, to the way the family was dressed, etc. I believe they went so far as to make fun of the minhagim. Needless to say I found solice in my tehillim app, walked away as soon as the chuppah was over and told them they need to get out more often.
The third wedding was full of shtick and loads of energy, but on a more simpler scale. I really enjoyed it as those are the favorite weddings-simple not fancy and full of yentas, yet full of energy! I met up with a longlost friend there and all she was commenting on the entire time was how plain the wedding was. It was truly disappointing as each time she commented on how 'pathetic' something was, or the cutlery not being super shiny, or not having wrapped chairs or a head table, it put a downer on my evening.
All in all I realized one thing: People say us girls are picky? Well, I admit, for certain things I AM, but the way these women were at a wedding, a simcha, where we are supposed to rejoice for the purpose of a couple FINALLY getting together-and instead they're busy with all the petty stupidities-that's what I call picky!

Monday, June 22, 2015

Humidity-not a Hotness Factor

Odds are that if you live on the Eastern coast of the North American continent-you've been living in super humid conditions. Personally, I don't deal well in humid conditions. It makes my hair frizz. It makes me crazy. It gives me headaches. It makes my skin swell-I can't even take my rings off. It makes me sweaty. It's just plain out gross. 
Some people like it. For me-it's the plague. 
The only thing worse than humid weather is having a date in this weather. I'm talking 80%-95% humidity. I pity the guy that has to take me out. Firstly-as much as I'll try to be in a positive mood. I'll probably be so self conscious about my hair turning into an Afro and my skirt sticking to my legs that I won't be able to concentrate. I'd probably be doublechecking my face in any reflection I could find to ensure my makeup isn't melting to make me look like one of the members of KISS. And I pray the guy would do his best to keep the date indoors with air conditioning-yes a car date would do fine, thank you. 
Honest-whatever is Bashert will be. But at the same time maybe is better to get stuck with a date in humid weather-then the guy could see my true colors from the beginning. He'd see me looking my ultimate worse (thank goodness for sheitels) to my most obsessive character to my worst mood. 
Perhaps in all this meshugas about humidity-it might end up being the best thing that ever happened? 
Who knows?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Scroll down for Photo

I admit it. I became one of them. Those people I made fun of all those times now I actually am (gulp!) one of them. 
The them I'm referring to are the ones who 'redd' a shidduch by first asking you for your photo and then asking you about yourself and who you are and what you're looking for. 
The them are also the boys who won't even look at a resume without a photo as part of it. 
The them is all the mothers of the boys who won't allow anything to even be suggested for their precious sons, unless said mothers see a photo (or two) of the girl first. 
And lastly, the them are the ones who provide a disclaimer that only after seeing a photo of a girl, if they like the photo, then and only then will they provide the Shadchan/girl their own information. 

The good news folks, is that I ain't all that extreme as per above. However, I became so used to receiving resumes that came with a photo that automatically when I receive an emailed profile-I scroll right down to view the photo first. I must admit it sounds rude but this is the way I've been programmed since this is the format I've been receiving resume emails in. At the same time-I gotta say-most profiles sound the same. The only thing different is the guy's actual name and height. Most are 'from or living in NY.' Most are 'in real estate or taking courses for law/cpa'. Most have 'good hearts, positive energy, learn daily, looking for a Frum and fun with-it kind of girl who knows how to chill and be serious when needed, etc.'
So you can't blame me for scrolling right down to see the pic first and then after, read the guy's description...

Can't believe I became one of those people :(

Monday, June 8, 2015

Dating Vaca

So, it's been a while, but y'know-as all singles eventually do=I needed a vaca. The whole shidduch system was really getting to me; the shadchans, the resumes, the dates, the miscommunications and the non-verbal communication, which now is email only or whatsapp messages. So folks, I did what anyone else in my situation would do, to avoid a nervous breakdown: I went to Priceline and found a last minute flight. I called my close friends, crashed with them and you know what? it was AWESOME!
I was away from the tri-state area, away from the dating scene, turned off my phone, stayed away from WiFi and I survived :)
I guess I now know what it means when I'm told the guy is burnt out and needs a vacation from dating. I used to be upset and annoyed when they used that excuse on me. Like-what the guy needs a break from dating?? He is the one who has the mitzvah to move on in life, get married and have kids. I, the single gal who had to take off work, travel and find myself places to stay, needed a break.
It's safe to say that now I see the other side. We all need refreshing from time to time. We need to stop, recharge our batteries, breathe the fresh air and just stop and enjoy life. All these minute little nuisances are part of Shidduchim and aren't likely to change. We, ourselves need to change-or atleast change our outlook in life.
Hoping I can find someone with that outlook.
Oh-and of course, I can't end this post without the clincher: So we were stranded at this random shul/resort/lobby Shabbos afternoon and didn't know a soul. My friends and I were chatting and joking and suddenly 3 frum guys show up. Good looking young guys. Here was the answer to my prayers-without anyone else in site to ask, we each shyly dared each other to go up to them and ask if they were single or not, but as girls tend to....we were all too shy and ashamed if the answer would be that they were married and at a conference, or engaged and this was the bachelor party or somethin...

Monday, May 11, 2015

Give me a Chance to make a First Impression!

In my search to find a suitable young bachelor, I'm constantly sent names/numbers/emails of people/shadchans/organizations to be in touch with, who 'know people' for me. Calls are usually made without anyone answering on the other end. Messages are left, which go unanswered. Emails are sent without receiving a reply back, even a 'thank you' to let me know they were actually received and read.
In my correspondence, I've tried to remain polite and positive, yet cannot help feeling dismayed at the lack of courtesy. Whilst I understand people are busy and are doing me the favor, a call back, a text message, an email with 2 words, or just to be told on the phone that it's not a good time to call, is better than being ignored.
Last week, I experienced a brand new "response". I was given the name of a shadchan by an old family friend of mine. Apparently this Shadchan is the new one in town and she's made umpteen Shidduchim and knows TONS of guys. I called up and she answered my call. I gave the whole intro, of who I was, what I was looking for, etc. and waited for a response on the other end.
"Ya", she said, "I've heard of you and your name came up, but you guys don't support yeshivos and are anti-yeshivish so..."
I don't have to tell  you how upset I was at her stupid assumptions and remarks. Just because I am NOT Yeshivish, doesn't mean I'm ANTI Yeshivish. My family actually supports many Yeshivas as well as Kollelim. The worst part is I don't know this woman, nor have I ever actually even met her. Yet, here she is on the other line, telling me who she believes & thinks I am. (and I was the one worried about making a first impression!) Nevertheless, I ended the call with a brief, thanks but no thanks and called my friend back. She too was shocked. She never mentioned my name to this woman and didn't understand where she got this information from, but as she said, even if this woman overheard something-to make such assumptions and then, in her position, pass on that false information is very bad PR for someone like me, who needs a Shadchan who can say good things.
Needless to say, I will not travel to meet this woman, nor call her again. I hope no one calls her about me and I hope she reads this so she will understand how someone in her position can ruin someone else with just one baseless assumption.
Woman-if you are reading this, just thing of the word assumption. People who ASSume things, well, y'know what they say about them...

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Sefira Beard Debate

Someone called me the other day with a comment, that I felt, was really not smart. She was upset that a friend of hers was busy dating and didn't tell her. She obviously found out by mistake, or through a third party, and feeling the need to vent, called lucky ME. After she unloaded how hurt she was and how close friends they are, she ended off with a one liner. 
"...anyway, I don't get why she is dating now, it's so WEIRD, who dates a guy when he has a Sefira beard?!?"
Obviously each person is different. I've dated during Sefira-some guys shave for business purposes, others for Shidduch purposes and some don't shave at all. Some have wild crazy facial hair, some have only 3 little straggles. I doubt any person in their right mind would ever push off a Shidduch for the reason of a simple Sefirah beard. If you like the guy, you like the guy. If you want to wait to see how he looks with or without a beard-then wait it out. Either way, if you're going to go ahead and marry him, he will look that same way during Sefira next year.
Am I nuts? I don't get what the whole issue is?!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

When a Girl Looks Nice...

Lately I've been trying whatever I can to make myself more 'appealing'. I'm not the type who gets weekly manicures or has a beauty regimen so the most effort on my part is wearing my hair down and treating myself to new eyeshadow. Oh and it goes without saying: buying some new clothes of course. Being sefira and all I couldn't wear the new clothes but I was able to enjoy the feeling of a nicely made up face with new spring pallet colors and my beautiful hair let down. It felt really good for a change to 'dress up' for ABSOLUTLEY no specific occasion and not having to rush anywhere. Just a chill regular ol' day. 
Which is why it was sorta a let down when every single co-worker of mine felt there needed to be a "reason" why I changed my look and looked 'nicer'. I mean with every compliment of 'wow your hair looks nice down' or 'you look great' came a backsided comment of 'you must be dating' or 'do you have a date tonight?' Or 'seeing someone perhaps?' And even 'so when r u making it official?'

Seriously guys?!?$ I mean seriously? Why can't people just give a compliment and then shut up. Do I have to explain that people shouldn't say stupid things or give out mouth filters? It's enough I have to deal with nutty shadchans and people trying to set me up but don't ruin my day and get all invasive. If you can't say anything nice don't say it at all. And if you could a small word of praise always helps :)

Saturday, April 18, 2015

What's Your Hashkafa?

Being on the "market" for quite a while, I figured I got all the lingo and all that goes with it down pat. I know the routines, the unanswered calls to shadchans and their voicemails that tell you to not leave a message. 
I know that sometimes "he's busy now and just gave a yes" is a nice way to say he isn't interested.
I know that 95% of the time when a guy takes you home after a date and doesn't walk you to your home, it means he isn't interested. 
I also know the difference between 'Heimishe', 'comfortable', and 'Baalbek Batish'. 
What I'm still trying to figure out is the different hashkafos. It gets confusing as do people. Nowadays I have Sefardi friends who married chassidim, breslov who married lubavitch, baalei Teshuva who are greasier than lakewood learners. There is the guy that doesn't want a TV but flat-out stated to the shachan that in place of a TV, he would like to register to HULU (umm, excuse my ignorance on this one but isn't it the same thing?)
There's the guy who writes on his resume that he's very makpid and Frum and went to all the 'brand name frummie yeshivas' yet states explicitly he only wants a girl who wil cover her hair, elbows and knees-I assumed that was a given, especially for a Frum guy?
What about the one who learns each morning and attends a shiur at night, yet after a number of dates he casually slips in a joke about shomer negiah and makes fun of the whole concept, which opened up an entire can of worms, with me finding out he doesn't hold of it. A FRUM BOY WHO LEARNS-why would I even dream of asking that question to a reference?
Nowadays, I've learned that anything goes and that's ok. To each his own. It just adds to my confusion, my trust levels and now I feel stupid asking even the most obvious and sometimes awkward questions to references such as 'does he have any kids I don't know about?'
Thinking we need some new terms for all these new types of hashkafos. 
Any ideas?

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Why Didya say "NO"?

This shadchan just called to give me a name of a guy. Well to put things in perspective, she called my mom to ask my mom about a guy for me (yes, even at my age she still refused to speak directly to me-seriously?)
Either way my mom called to ask if the name sounded familiar which it really did. I checked into my shidduch book and sure enough I dated the guy and couldn't quite remember any reasoning as to why we didn't do it he dating, other than him being weird. The shadchan was very pushy as to the reason why I said no. She wouldn't let down until we caved. I ran to look at my old whatsapp messages and sure enough (thank u iphone!) a search with his name gave us the answer: HE SAID NO. yes folks after the shadchan pushing and prodding as to why I wouldn't give it a second chance (which surprisingly and according to my whatsapps-I was willing to give it another try even tho he seemed uber weird), it wasn't even me who said no. 
Why is it that when a guy says no it's cool. But when a girl says no she has to have backup evidence and proper reasoning to her decision. Even when it want my decision in this case, I was guilted into believing it actually was me-which clearly in this case-it was not. No Sir ree

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Pesach Dates

It gets kinda awkward when you have a date over Pesach, especially since you can't exactly buy a drink anywhere, let alone go to a coffee shop and if you go to a lounge and the server asks what you want to drink it looks kinda bad when you say no thanks-especially as they know you're a Jew. 
Mix in the fact that there's the mish and non-mish as well as grebrokst which also complicates things if you're bringing along a snack. 
I won't even go so far to speak about Pesach cosmetics/hair products but let's just say when traveling for a date especially, things can get pretty sticky over Chol Hamoed Pesach. 
I was set up with a boy from overseas a week before yom Tov. As I'm sure you can imagine, the timing was quite hectic between finishing up at work where I'd be taking a few days off, and helping clean and cook and prepare at home I was really balancing time. The guy, on the other hand, was here for a few weeks vacation. He had no preparations to do in terms of helping anyone clean or cook for Pesach and because there was a different timezone he did all his work in the morn/eve. If was frustrating as he was really eager to have 'deep meaning conversations' whilst I was brushing hi off the phone, one hand on the blender, another with the vacuum so I can finish my work in time. 
Worse off, we had ABSOLUTLEY nowhere to go on dates as Easter had coincided with chol hamoed and things were closed, it was too cold to walk around outdoors and i brought some nerdy looking macaroons as snacks which we ended up just munching on in the car. 
All I can say is that it was a bit of a disaster, and I ended up feeling bad that I couldn't give the guy a good time and show him around and he was frustrated that I was busy hosting family and helping at home (hello? Don't they celebrate Pesach outside North America?). 
Needless to say, I'm ready to move onto the next and hope that those of you who were set up over Pesach had successful macaroon dates!

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Question & Answer period

Recently I redd a Shidduch to someone. What a great feeling it was to be on the other side. I called both parties, got through to one who was willing and I couldn't get through to the other side. Two weeks went by and I fel utterly guilty as I had promised one side to get back but really couldn't manage get hold of the other side at all. Being in this situation myself, I was frustrated as I know how much the waiting game can be hurtful and annoying at the same time. No one likes to wait and everyone makes promises but I'd like to believe I'm a woman of my word. 
Finally I got throught to the other party (they had been overseas for 2 weeks!) and said they would look into it. I cannot explain the joy I had in calling back the first side to let them know that no, I had not forgotten them and no, the other side didn't get a 'no' but they were just Unreachable. Needless to say, they were very happy I called back to keep them in the loop. 
In Shidduchim we constantly wait around. Wait to get suggestions, wait to reach references, wait to tag people down, wait for a shadchan to call back, wait for a 'yes' or 'no' to the date, etc. I just had a similar issue when a guy was redd to me and we both agreed to date but he changed his mind and decided he didn't think I was for him. The shadchan was shocked at the sudden backing out and claims to know him well and really believes this was a good shidduch but I'm now in 'question and answer mode' meaning I'm told to 'wait it out' whilst she asks all the appropriate questions and he or his mom get to think over the answers if this is for him or not. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

He JUST Gave a "Yes" to Someone.....

Chances are, that if you've been in the Shidduch system, you've heard this phrase numerous times already. After all, "it's a boys' world". Boys have 'lists' and 'photo albums' and they also have mothers....meddling mothers (disclaimer: not all boys have this, but this is for stereotypical purposes only). 
I've been asked to forward my resume to a Shadchan and after a week, I decided to actually be proactive, so I called her up. She told me she was trying to reach the boy's mom but to no avail. So for the past 2 weeks, I'm playing telephone tag-well, not really tag, as I keep calling but don't get any answers....until yesterday. Yesterday the Shadchan called to tell me that the boy did indeed get my resume, but he just gave a yes to someone else. Ok, I can live with that. Of course, I won't know if it's true or not, but I've been in this game to know that letting things run its own course can't hurt. 
Later on that evening, the Shadchan called me again and asked-"but is it possible you can send them a photo?"
That got me thinking. I've been in this boat before-if the boy 'just gave a yes' to another girl, as they claim-why would he want my photo now? He's going to date another girl?? How can they even ask for this? Especially after giving that particular excuse! So I thought and my anger was simmering for a few hours...and my mind kept on going all night and then the next day. I called the Shadchan back and politely agreed to send my photo to them....only if and after he becomes 'available' to date again....

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Dad, Mom, We Love You Too!

Harsh, that's how I would describe the Shidduch system. It's cruel and hurtful and most stressing on the emotions. We cry alot and sure, we laugh alot (only once we're safely home after the date!) but in truth, we are all basket cases-drained of emotions.
That's where support comes in. I, B"H am very fortunate to have an awesome family bli ayin hara. We're all very close and share everything and I know I can count on my family for their support. Sure, we have our arguments and disagree-mostly, when it comes to Shidduchim, but hey-can I blame my parents for loving me and wanting me to have the best? Can I blame them for wanting to see me married already? Nopes, it only makes me thankful to have the most rockin' mom and dad in the world. So, whilst I may not tell them on a daily basis, and while we do have our battles in terms of Shidduchim, at the end of the day I know it's because they love me.
Second to them, I am blessed to have truly wonderful friends. I can count on them to laugh with me and to have cryfests, movie nights and private karaoke. I can count on them to save me from a horrid date, but only if my parents can get through to me first ;)
So whilst I'm constantly ranting on this site, I feel it's only necessary to take a small portion of this blog and let you all think for a minute. While we are going through these trying times and feel we are alone-we are NOT. We are surrounded by our loved ones and should pay tribute to that.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I want a MAN not a boy who thinks he can!

Got a pair of pants? That's how wonderful Shidduch ideas come about. Pants and a Skirt. Which is why it's quite interesting that this has been my biggest pet peeves these past few weeks.
It seems that the last few guys who were 'redd' to me couldn't even own up to being called 'a man'. Literally, it was like suggesting a guy in his late 20s, early 30s but you have to go through his mom. 'His mom wants a pic. His mom wants a resume. His mom wants to know why you wrote .... on your resume. His mom doesn't think he can come in for a date'....and so it went on.
Then came the guy #2, also late 20s, early 30s. Even though this guy dealt with Shidduchim on his own accord and was speaking directly to the shadchan himself, he couldn't make up his mind and decide what kind of person he actually is. You heard me folks-he had a problem with the fact that when he called references to look into me and what kinda guy I was looking to marry, he wasn't sure if he fit that mold exactly. Funny, as the whole reason the shadchan suggested it, as she clearly told me, was that he was everything I was looking for-according to my resume. The guy suddenly had a moment of self-reflection and decided that maybe last year he was that guy on the resume but now he doubted he was the same dude. Anyway, that took a week of self-reflection without getting back to me...maybe he  went to rehab?
Guy #3 was truly interesting. He heard I use internet-ummm. Welcome to era of the millenium?! and might just but isn't quire sure if he's ok with that....Funny how his resume came by EMAIL, and email goes through internet-so whaaa!??!? (in a singsong up tune) In the interim he's waiting to see what his Rav's take on women using internet is (and yes, this is serious). If his Rav is ok with it and won't disregard him in a lesser light, than maybe he will honor me with his very gracious 'YES' to agree to date me, if not, well then he'll go with whatever his Rav says.
Guys-grow a pair. Seriously, make up your OWN mind. If you're old enough to date for marriage, then you're old enough to make your OWN decisions. Newsflash: once you're married, you're going to have to make grown up decision and while you will B"H IY"H still have your parents and Rabbonim to consult with, at some point in your life, you will have to come up with answers and minor decisions on your own. As much as I am very pro in involving your parents and asking advice of a Rav on issues, I also believe people have their own minds for a reason. You have an opinion, just speak up for yourself.
So going back to my first you know anyone who wears a pair of pants?

Sunday, March 1, 2015

March Madness

Give in the towel. That's what they all say. Just forget about all the nitty, gritty details of Shidduch resumes and jump right in.
So that's what I decided to do. Seriously. Me-the most untrusting individual in the world, just going on a whim with the next suggestion that comes up. And so it did. I received a call from a Shadchan about a boy that was suggested a few times in the past. Each time I said no, based on my bestie's advice. You see-she dated him a while back and I remember her 'horror' story about the date. So when it was suggested in the past, I just said 'thanks, but it's not for me' and walked away.
Until the other night, when the Shadchan called. She seemed to already know my bestie and the fact that we were really close. She asked me not to take the whole story into consideration and to keep in mind the time that had passed since then and the fact that the guy is an all around normal frum guy. I had just made the little deal with myself to 'jump in the deep end' and decided, well, what's the worst that can happen. So I gave the Shadchan my go ahead and she was utterly delighted with my 'yes'. Now that this madness had commenced I was already in it and too late to back out. Except, even though I had made plans to be in NY and the guy was from NY, he wouldn't be there at the same time. Which, I must say is a bummer, being that I finally did something daring and crazy. 
So all the madness for nothing? or we just wait until NY guy gets back and let time take its course.....

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Restricted References

Most people list their good friends and sometimes even family as references on a Shidduch resume. Some put their Rabbi/Rebbe, Madricha/Madricha and occasionally someone they worked with/for.
Personally, when I make Shidduch calls, I try to avoid calling references and try to find someone I know, or someone I know who knows someone who knows the guy, so I can find out objective information and opinions. Of course the friends will think and say that the guy is 'A-M-A-Z-I-N-G', if your friends don't say that-they are not your true friends. But as an objective person who knows the family or the boy himself, it's always great to hear what they see about the guy and his family and their take on the situation.
This week I was on the receiving end of the whole Shidduch reference deal. I received a call for a Shidduch of a girl I don't really know well. Sure, I know her name and I see her around at the occasional Simcha, speech, grocery, but that's about all I can really say about her. Which is why I was surprised when, after asking to speak with me, the woman said she was calling about this specific girl. I wasn't really sure how she got to me and explained I wasn't a really good reference as the girl is MUCH younger than me, I don't know her well at all, can't tell her anything about her personality or Middos and we don't hang in the same circles. The woman explained she already knew that, but got my number as she heard I know the mom.
Here's the weird part: I do know the mom. We used to work together closely and she had a reputation for being really loud, bossy and aggressive. I didn't really like her, but work is work. We were civil, got our jobs done and after hours, went home happy (most of the time). So, I was surprised again-that she was asking me about the mom, but when the woman was specifically telling me she was calling as she knows I worked with the mom and that she heard the mom has a reputation I suddenly stepped out of my own feelings. I thought-here's this young girl, she seems nice and sweet-although I don't know her well. The  mom, yes, she is loud and pushy-but she's not a pushover, nor is she mean. They married off kids already and her kids-in-law, as well as mechutanim and grandchildren absolutely love her. She's a kind woman, and is involved in communal chesed organizations. This should not stop a Shidduch and I will tell this woman the bare facts.
And I did. I had to step away from my emotions about working the mom and how frustrating it was when she was loud and pushy, and see the good side. I told the woman on the phone that yes, that is the general reputation, but as someone who worked day in day out-and who knew of her family, her mechutanim, etc.,her bark is louder than her bite. She is well-liked, she gets along with people and really tries to help.
Surprisingly the woman was sooo thankful and sounded relieved. She said this is exactly what she was hoping to hear and was pleased as she had called around only hearing concerns about the mom being loud and pushy. 
Proud to be able to put aside my feelings and really good info.  

Sunday, February 15, 2015

My Life at this point in Shidduchim...

If I had to sum up my life right now, I'd need enough of these t-shirts to last a good few months. 
Valentines Day has come and gone. I'm gonna sit here with my box of chocolates and eat them alone in the dark. No one sent me any cute/funny ecards or even chocolate. I know it sounds pathetic, but some small feminist part of me, sorta craves that only in the movies type of romancing-even though I know it's all fake.
Everyone likes to be noticed and appreciated at times, and I guess I'm sorta not feelin it right now.
My dating life has turned into a desert-desperate for rain. I just need ONE guy, ONE raindrop to give me some faith that there ARE indeed some normal single guys out there. The last few have been well...let's just say I wouldn't suggest them to any of my friends. 
Thanks to the blogging life, I know I'm not alone but it seems all too often I'm attending weddings, Sheva Brachos, vorts, etc. and I'm the only single at the event, which then makes me the 'nebach' of the night, hence becoming certain people's "mitzvah project".
It's just all-out awkward. I've tried numerous dating sites. I've emailed/texted Shadchanim. Heck, I even got access to a whole list of guys, yet after sorting through hundreds (yes, and I do mean hundreds) of profiles and checking off atleast 5-10 guys that sounded good. Each one either said no, or didn't get back, for the most oddest reasons. Am I insulted? No, I have enough confidence in myself and each person has their own reasons to say no, whether I believe they are legit or not. Is it upsetting that the guys I find normal aren't interested in me-ummm, ya!
So, can I buy all you single gals out there this shirt, so we can have a gals shidduch protest-it would definitely give us the attention we so deserve (wink, wink)

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Being Positive

Taking thing slowly, trying to see the good, and just smiling more. I've really been trying-you gotta understand. Which is why, when the whole 'taking a positive attitude' did me more harm than good.
You see, I was set up with a guy last week, the resume sounded great. I made some calls and for the first time in a really long time in my dating 'career', I was actually beginning to think like this guy was the one. Honest. I wasn't like planning baby names and such, but it was the fact that the references I spoke with described him as the exact, and I mean literally exact, type of guy I was looking for. It was as if, someone had prodded my brain and read my mind word for word about what I believe my future husband would be.
And if that didn't perk me up, I saw a photo and it all seemed to be too good to be true.
Which is where it all came boiling down. Suddenly, my whole 'positive attitude' melted away whilst I was thinking, if something is too good to be true-heck, it probably IS. I was coming up with reasons as to why someone as 'amazing' as this guy, who had every quality I was looking for (based on the info) would want to go out with me? An out-of-towner? someone on the shorter side? Someone who ain't a blond haired-blue eyes model. Perhaps there was a sudden underlying reason? And so began the thought process which commenced the 'mental' trip down positive drive to normalicy.
Eventually, I realized all these assumptions and thoughts would get me nowhere, and then I was back up there-in lala land with Mr. Perfect. I already texted my close friends about my date and asked for ideas about the second date. I was concerned that I would have to take off work (yet again) and already worked up an excuse as to my leave absence.
Then he showed up. I just knew. I could hear it in his voice and saw it in his mannerism. The guy was a total loss. Ya-he looked great, but so what? He was borderline rude, which isn't a compliment the first 2 minutes you meet a guy. He had the air as if he so-could-not-care-less. He did me the grand favor of taking me out on a 4 hour date. Yes-4 hours. and for what? He clearly wasn't interested, barely grumbled out a few words, with some random nods in between closing his eyes. Did he not realize it takes a girl an average of 1-2 hours to prep for a date? And that's just hair/makeup and choosing the right outfit. All that mental anguish. The convincing myself to be positive. Then being too positive, which led to the negative, and then pushing myself back into positivity-for this?!
I must say it was a let down. But even more so because I was sooo clearly convinced he was the one
Moral of the story: I should've just stayed my regular 'nothing to get excited about' self. That way I can never get let down-always expect it to be bad and then, if it ends up good=surprise happy ending :)

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Taking a Gal for Granted

I've been off the radar lately, I'll ashamedly admit it. I was trying to let my feeling simmer down. My anger and frustration with Shidduchim, with Shadchanim, with the whole system. I tried reading, eating, jogging, even meditating, and then watching movies, but nothing could completely distract me nor take away the fumes of frustration of being in Shidduchim. I thought about solving the worlds problems, then solving my own-which turns out-was more complicated :(
and so, here I am. Trying to overcome my emotions and move on with life, smile, and let others live. Let life take its course and do good things. That distraction truly worked. Chesed makes me smile and puts a smile on the face of others. It makes me feel good and feel like I'm doing SOMETHING and if I cannot do something to help my situation with Shidduchim, atleast, let me help others with things I can help with, like for example: delivering Bikur Cholim meals.

Getting back to this post, though, I need to bring something up. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time that I received a call from a Shadchan telling me a guy was in town. Usually it's for another Simcha, or he had a date that didn't work out but was still here for a day or two and so they were trying to chap someone for him. In the past, this idea didn't quite work out well for me. You see, on one hand, I was like 'hey, the guy is here, I don't have to travel, I can go chill for a couple of hours-it's a win/win'. But each time I acquiesced, I came home upset, after having spent hours with a guy who was either a total moron (excuse the language), or who left his brain back home. I couldn't believe that someone who knew me, or even a Shadchan who I'd spoken with, would set me up with such a type of boy. But they figured the same as me-what could they lose? The guy was in town, I was in town, we were both 'available' and single, looking to get married so what's a few hours?
Let me tell you-when it's with those kind of boys=it's a few hours too many.
What further aggravates me is that alot of the time, it would be boys that were suggested or name-dropped to me in the past, but these boys said no to me for a variety of reasons. Even if it was suggested numerous times to the same guy over a number of years, he kept saying no. Yet, when a bunch of guys arrived here Erev Shabbos on a roadtrip, suddenly my phone was ringing off the hook, saying the said guy/s are in town and would like to date me now-ya right.
It's totally taking advantage of us, females. Like, we're not good enough, but now that you're bored and there's no Times Square, and you don't know anyone here-why not hang out for a few hours? And to assume that because suddenly you are here, in town, and agree to date, then we have to jump?
Atleast, do some good PR work for yourself, or let the Shadchan talk a girl up and make it sound better than it is. That way we don't have to feel like last night's supper being rewarmed in the microwave because now you're hungry (where did that just come from?)
Well, that's my rant. I believe in making people feel good. What does a simple compliment cost? nada. What does it make a person feel like? a million bucks. So say thank you, be polite, smile-you never know how making another person feel like a, actual PERSON can achieve. Don't take anyone for granted-treat them like a mentch-trust me, they'll appreciate you more and respect you for it.
over and out...

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Shidduchim as a 'Prize'

Not  that I wanna badmouth any organization, BUT I was and still very much am so disappointed by something I've recently heard. It sends an  organization, which for now will remain nameless in this post, has publicized that if you make a donation to their cause, you can "win" a shidduch. Meaning you choose from their top 5 "well reputable" Shadchan & the Shadchan of your choice had to set you up with 3 good matches. Oh and if any of them work out then Shadchan is paid. 
Wheni was first told about this I honestly thought it was a prank. Then I heard it from a second person and realized it was sadly true. 
Why it's this a prize? I've met with and spoken with these "top" Shadchansuss who won't even return a call, let alone respond to an email. But if I pay money then suddenly they will come up with all these great guys?
How come they can't give these suggestions on a regular Shadchan term? 
And how would all these rabbis and editors and board members allow this to be considered a well converted and sought after prize?!?
Is the world going mad?