Wednesday, February 23, 2011

That's A Real Friend

Let's face it girls, we live in a dog-eat-dog world of Shidduchim. Everyone is 'on the market' at some point or other after seminary/college. Everyone is competing for the next best guy around. It's a fashion show for us-who is the thinnest, who has the best hair, whose makeup is AMAZING, who's instyle and who is outdated. Who is well-dressed and put together and who isn't. Who is wearing the heels and who is wearing the flats.
and a continuous cycle it is-as once one of the girls gets engaged-its who has the bigger diamond, the nicer bracelet, the greater guy, the bigger apartment, etc.
Friendships get awkward as we are constantly being told not to use 'single' friends as references. It's hard to speak to close friends about dating, especially when you're looking for the same type of guy-as what if you say something bad and your friend is dating the guy or liked him, etc.
So out with the old (friends) it is unfortunately and in with the new-or as I like to say 'the marrieds get married and forget your number, forget to call and text' and the singles remain the true friends-until another one bites the dust!
So, this is why I would like to inspire you about having GREAT single friends, as I myself, am very fortunate to have. My close friend, Esty was booking her annual flight to Europe. She has grandparents there that she goes to visit for 2 weeks each year. Shortly before she booked, a mutual friend of ours got engaged. She decided to wait until the friend had her wedding date, so that she shouldn't G-d forbid miss the wedding. When the wedding date was set, Esty booked her flight and arranged to be back for the day of the wedding-which didn't really give her much time in Europe-as everything was set to be soon. Sure enough, Esty's flight back home got cancelled. She tried to get on another flight-not even because she was exhausted from a long red-eye flight, but more importantly, to be at this friend's wedding. She waited long hours in the airport until they were able to get her a connecting flight home. She arrived home shortly before the wedding with enough time, not to unpack, but to shower and get ready. However, Esty was soo tired, she couldn't even drive herself to the wedding. I met up with Esty at the dancing and I hadta say, she looked GREAT. Had I not known what she'd been through just to make it for a friend's wedding I wouldn't have believed it. Not only that-she stayed until the end of the wedding and danced her heart out until literally she couldn't walk straight from lack of sleep for 36 hours.
That my friend, it what I call a GREAT single friend! Someone who goes out of their way to make their friend happy. Someone who thinks of her friend before herself, before her own vacation, before her own exhaustion and to make herself look happy, active and participate in all the dancing and shtick, in order that her friend could have the most awesomest wedding she deserved! (without even mentioning or hinting that she'd just been off a flight!)
May you all have such wonderful single friends!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Don't Make Me Second-Guess Myself!

Don'tcha just hate it when the 'know-it-alls', aka 'married' (even if it was last week's wedding couple) tell you what to do, think for you and make you second-guess your decisions?
I mean, I've been dating for years now, so I get it all the time, yet it STILL bothers me each time it happens. I get it from mothers, grandmothers, newly weds, engaged couples and it drives me mad!

So, last week when a mother approached me and told me her daughter had a shidduch for me (her newly married daughter-let me add) and she started describing the boy, it was everything I wasn't looking for. I smiled politely, let her finish 'giving the description' and then thanked her. After that I gave her the well-mannered version of 'I DO appreciate your daughter having me in mind-BUT, it's not what I'm looking for and I'm not comfortable going out with that type of boy'.
I went away from that convo feeling pretty good about myself, being polite, not interrupting, and even though inside I was steaming-as this woman KNOWS me and KNOWS that I am NOT looking for THAT type, yet insisted and swore by her daughters now newly-married insights and STILL suggested him-I was polite yet firm.

So, when it just happened that I bumped into one of the local Shadchanim here and we got talking about things in general, and she mentioned a boy who sounded pretty similar, I was a bit annoyed, but STILL didn't wanna jump to conclusions-after all what would the Shadchan have to do with this married and her family and her suggestion? I listened to her describe the boy and then asked her a few main details which the woman from 2 days previous had mentioned in relevance to this specific boy and she was shocked. She asked how I knew. I told her the story and firmly-yet-politely said 'well, I guess this woman figured that perhaps if YOU-as a Shadchan suggested it-then I wouldn't be able to say no'.

So, was I upset? Of course? I'm a big girl now, I make decisions for myself and if I give an answer to someone-I mean it, no matter how they wanna word it, how they wanna describe it or who will suggest it. An answer is an answer-don't make me second guess myself, cuz I won't. I stand firm in my decisions!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

If Shidduchim were like Valentines...

Happy Isru-Valentines Day!

Here's a shout out to all my fellow readers/bloggers. Whilst spending a few hours in the dark (thanks to a very long blackout & an almost low-batteried iPhone), we sat around saying "IF ___ were like ____, THEN ___"
and I figured, why not challenge y'all to come up with your own, by commenting on this post.
Best line gets it's OWN post.
So, get your thinking caps on, cuz it better be good!

"If Shidduchim were like Valentines, then (FILL IN THE BLANK)...."

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentines!

Here's a wish for all the Singles out there:
Though you may be home tonight reading a great chick-lit, or watching re-runs of F-R-I-E-N-D-S, or watching the TeVoed episode of last night's Grammys, while curled up in your old, large sweatshirt, with a box of something good and crunchy...alone..
Hopefully next year at this time, you'll be lying on the couch, next to your hubby/wife, reading a chick-lit (ok, maybe not the men...replace with Sports section), or or watching re-runs of F-R-I-E-N-D-S, or watching the TeVoed episode of last night's Grammys, while curled up in your old, large sweatshirt, with a box of something good and crunchy which you will be sharing with your hubby/wife sitting next to you, watching together.
and hopefully by then, you will be wearing something not-so-old and large!
oh, and maybe you won't even be home, but out, spending time as a couple, doin 'things that couples do when in love, y'know, walks on the beach and stuff, y'know' -ok, I couldn't help myself-getting carried away, with the music.
But y'get what I mean. Here's to a year filled with chocolate, flowers, (not-so-secret admirers), jewelery and most of all-LOVE!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Men vs. Women

Men vs. women [source is unknown]

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Can You Install Love?


Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I’m not very techinical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma’am?

Customer: Let me see...I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of ist own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I’m done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says “ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.“ What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but on non-technical terms it means you have to “LOVE“ your own machine before it can “LOVE“ others.

Customer: What should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory “SELF-ACCEPTANCE“?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the “MYHEART“ DIRECTORY: FORGIVENESS.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

New Age Shidduch Tefillah

I’m behaving with my best behavior
because I need a major favor.
I’m not asking for money or an expensive "toy"
all I want is one good boy.
please let him have personality & good looks
I don’t need a frankenstein that’s for the books"
he should be learning in yeshiva, "sitting the bench"
and yeh, please make sure he’s a big mentch.
and just remember that every week I hold the havdallah candle very high
that’s to make sure that he’s a taaaaall guy.
don’t let him be fat, overweight or obese,
& not a hatzoloh/shomrim macher with all the keys.
he should be polished, well dressed and in style,
and its a plus if he has a nice looking smile.
let his family be normal, I don’t want a nebachdik mishpacha,
& good GIVING uncontrolling, un-butting in in-laws are a major bracha.
I hate shidduchim, they’re such a pain,
id rather get stuck in a storm of rain.
I hate dating, I hate tu bishvat,
this whole freezer thing should defrost and rot.
whatever u do, just get me outta this situation,
it gives me headaches, stomach aches & other complications.
I’m behaving very good,
I’m trying to do whatever I should
I daven mincha, tehilim, I say the zivug prayer - hey, whatever it takes!
just send me my man already, for heavens sakes!!
PLEASE help me put an end to this annoying stage of my life
and help me become the right guys wife.
don’t torture me, don’t make me cry,
all I’m asking for is MY one guy!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Shadchan Parody- a Grenade by Shir Soul

Can we PLEEZ Skip the System?

OK, guys & gals-we have GOT to get outta this 'Shidduch System'.
I've officially had it. Everything is 'official', 'planned', 'systematized', 'categorized', etc. so much so that everything is second guessing each other. Heck-I'm beginning to second guess my every thought!
Why can't it just be as they have it in all the chick flicks i.e. 2 gals walkin down a busy Manhattan street, as they chat and gossip about their days, they see a couple of cute guys walking past. They turn around, count to 15 (ok, maybe like 7) and then follow discretely behind the men. They end up in a quaint coffee shop/dairy restaurant and end up sitting pretty close. As they order, one of the men hear the girl ordering something that sounds exotic and he questions her about her choice, which in turn gets them talking as to how she knows about her selection and when she first had it, etc. they each have nice convos, find each other interesting, chat throughout their meal and end up taking down the other's number to continue.
Plain. Simple. Neat. Clean.
no 'in-betweener', no 'shadchan', no 'accept match and wait for answer', no 'emailing photos', no 'fax the resume first'.
Why can't things just be simple?
Truth is-even if I see a guy who catches my eye, I wouldn't walk right up to them. Heck-for all I know, he could be married, or even have kids! and THAT would be quite embarrassing, hitting on a married man!, help me out here. Any suggestions on how to 'skip the system'?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Let's Give 'Em Somethin to Talk About...

OK, sorry about the title, but as my friend Huvie says, 'I'm stuck in the 80s!' and it just happens to be that when I was typing this post, this Bonnie Raitt song popped into my head!
So, let's move aside from the 'good hair day' discussion, or facial expressions where people are giving each other 'the look' and thinkin 'wow! her hair is SOOO good! She MUST be getting engaged tonight!' or when your nails come out perfect, along with your makeup, and (fake) tan (aka bronzer).
I get that all the time. That, or even a made up excuse, where some random neighbor/teacher/family friend/acquaintance who you haven't spoken to in a while, bumps into you at a wedding/simcha/grocery/ZARA dressing room and makes a comment to the likes of 'wow-SOS! you look GREAT! did you lose weight or get a new haircut?' and you know, as a single, what they are thinking, or 'implying'.

So, here's where I come to play. You see, I used to spend the moments after all these encounters thinking of what I could've said or should've said, instead of feeling embarassed, ashamed, or needing a reason to cut my hair/do my nails, or drops a few pounds. So now I purposely, just for fun-to give me and my single friends some laughs, drop some 'obvious hints' for people to have something to talk about. e.g. at a wedding, my phone rings-its another friend. I walk out and laugh alot on the phone, then when someone asks who, I look all flustered and panicked and go-'oh, no one...uh...just a friend'. Or I complain that I'm sooo tired (cuz I am) and when asked why, I'll put on the innocent 'deer in headlights' look and say, 'well, I had a late night...y'know partying and all'

So, even though it's mean, they sorta deserve it for asking personal questions in the first place. And this way, it is I-SOS, who gets the last laugh!