Thursday, June 27, 2013

No one wants to be a 'nebach' case

My friend's sister got married last week. Her young sister. Of course I was there and of course my peripheral was on alert as people would glance in her direction. What am I thinking? I'm in the same boat. We are the same age. Her sister that got married is 6 years her junior. They must be glaring at her with the obvious pity in their eyes, only to notice me talking to her-another "older" single girl not married, 'oy, nebach'. 
It got worse as people passed her on the dance floor and grabbed her arm, gave her the 'back rub' and then wished her to be the next. Or the Brachos or the 'one Simcha will bring another' lines. 
I felt so bad for her, yet we were at a wedding. Her sister's wedding. In reality it must be painful knowing she is left behind, but at the same time, she does/did not want their pity. She wanted to kick off her heels and dance up a storm. She wanted to enjoy the moment and forget for hose few hours about the situation and truly enjoy the music. 
So I did what any good friend would do-I pulled her away from those women, the lookers, the backrubbers & well-wishers. I went to the band requested a crazy loud & upbeat song, and we danced until we couldn't breathe. 
Then we had a drink at the bar...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Gam Zu L'Tovah

This post was gonna be yet another Shidduch rant, but due to recent events, I've decided to post something POSITIVE (for a change). I hope that you readers out there will be able to share your positive experiences in the comments section and help inspire all those currently going through the Shidduch system.
What brought me to today's topic, you ask? Well, I was getting frustrated with the way things were going for me, personally. Lately all leads I've had all turned out to be closed doors-or even better yet, tightly secured, locked steel doors with guards outside of them=basically I've been getting nowhere for what seems like the longest of times. Each time something 'good' comes up, and people are all raving about how great a guy the potential is, I send my info ASAP (as requested) and wait to hear back, only to find out days, if not weeks later, that for whatever reason(s) the guy isn't interested. While I believe that everyone has their reasons, whether we find them valid or not, what upsets me more is that people won't call back to say the guy isn't interested. Instead, they feel bad to call, so we sit at home, thinking that after sending our info, and after all the raves that its 'such a good idea' the guy is doing his calls and asking around, but in truth, there was never any hope to begin with, only no one ever called back to inform us.
BUT, today I was shown differently. I was about to post, when my friend called. We were catching up last week and she told me she was meeting with a group of friends for an 'unofficial' shidduch meeting and asked for permission to 'present' me. I was honored, and not insulted, that she actually ASKED and even THOUGHT of presenting me to begin with. I had my hopes up as she is a great girl, she knows me well, she is an EXCELLENT presenter (part of her degree) and would be able to honestly tell me how these shidduch meetings work. Without even remembering what day she said it would be, she called to tell me she had presented me and whilst most of the guys presented weren't shayach for me-there was one mentioned. She gave me the info and it sounded familiar. Sure enough I realized I had gone out with the guy, but couldn't remember specifics. She asked if I would wanna revisit the Shidduch and I promised to get back to her. Not even a day later she got back to me and told me she had new information since we last spoke and based on the new information, she doesn't believe it is shayach at all.
So, I love her, that's why we are friends, but also-so many people can learn from her. She got back to me RIGHT AWAY (ok, she is busy, has a family and a job B"H, but she took the 2 min out to call/email/text and update me EITHER WAY), with information. Then, upon hearing not such good things, she got back to me AGAIN (didn't wait for me to go nuts doing research only to call her with a maybe 'yes' and for her to realize she didn't call and oh-it isn't shayach anymore), and with HONEST information (it's a NO GO), and didn't have to feel bad.
so Yay for honesty! I have Hakaras Hatov for people like that. I think I speak for all of us who don't want to be considered as nebach cases. I don't want people to feel bad for me because I'm single, or because a boy isn't interested, or thinks I'm too immature, old, fat, frum, not tznius enough, etc. Say it as it is, or atleast soon enough so atleast we, as singles, know where we stand. 
For this to, I say Gam Zu l'Tovah. So may be at this meeting nothing came of it, but perhaps in future, or perhaps the purpose of this meeting was for her to be in touch with me and for me to appreciate even the 'no's we get sometimes, especially when they are said straight out without guilt, or messages, or weeks after the fact.
Please post your Gam Zu l'Tovah moments and let's all take time to appreciate the small things in life :)

Monday, June 17, 2013

If the Boy Interested?

Thought y'all would appreciate the following:
I got an email last week with a Shidduch resume of a boy who literally lives in Yehupitsville. 
Lucky for me, I actually have one friend who lives in the same small town across the world (no, it ain't Waikiki). 
I call up the Shadchan and explain that before I contact this friend and start making calls, I just want to understand if the fact that she emailed me his resume means that he is interested and already gave a 'yes' or if she is sending it as a preliminary to see if this is something I would consider, before even approaching the guy. This was her response:
"SOS-of course he is interested-he just asked for a resume and photo first"
Keep in mind folks-this is guy lives in Far Far Away land and different timezone and has to book a (really expensive) flight to even get anywhere near a date, so when I received the response, I was a bit weary. He is interested but needs information?!?!?!?! How does that even work? He knows absolutely nothing about me-just my name, and that I'm a frum single and he sounds interested? There must be no gals in Yehupitsville....

Sunday, June 16, 2013

It's Been a While...

My apologies for not posting in the last week-I've had some unfortunate news=my laptop died :(
For those of you who know me personally, you know that my laptop=my life. EVERYTHING is documented and saved on my laptop. My photos, videos, projects, programs, documents, you name it-it's all saved there. Oh-and I don't do regular backups. I really could've posted from my smartphone or from other pcs in the house, but like I said, my laptop IS MY LIFE and the loss of it, took over my week. I had my programmer online, my technician, I called experts, and yes, I'm still hopeful that the information atleast can still be retrieved, before I go ahead and purchase laptop #5, but in the interim, the saved posts weren't uploaded to this site.
So friends, and fellow blogreaders, please bear with me. 
I hope to post soon and apologize for a silent week.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Take Care of the Singles

I was speaking with a married friend of mine and in doing so, venting about the whole Shidduch system. We had this whole discussion on how the system has gotten worse over the last few years, e.g. people have become desensitized, you can't speak to anyone anymore by telephone, only texting or emailing, resumes replace people actually giving info and facebook has replaced references. It was then that she said the most amazing thing: "Babies are vulnerable, people have to take care of them, watch them, and make sure they are OK at all times, no one wants a baby to get hurt-instead they are always worried and looking out that the baby should be safe. This is the same for single (girls)=they are vulnerable. People who 'deal' with them, be it Shadchanim, references, or even the actual guy being set up with them-those people have to take care of them, watch them and make sure they don't get hurt (emotionally)'. We cannot just leave these single (girls) alone-we have to be there for them and ensure they are ok at all times'
I must say-this was the most profound comparison I've heard in.....well....EVER.
So Kudos to my girl, Nay, for a listening ear, a compassionate personality, and most of all, an inspiring comparison!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Lunch & Leave

While reading this blogpost by Frumanista, I had a Deja Vu. Could she have gone out with the same guy with whom I had a similar experience numerous years ago? Then again, it could be someone else entirely who was just brought up the same way-to treat people, specifically, women, like trash.
Let me enlighten y'all...Quite a few years ago, this woman called to suggest a shidduch. She lived a few blocks away and even though she didn't know me or my family that well, she claimed to have 'found the one' for me. She provided the information and asked me to do research. All the calls I made were people who gave glowing reports on the guy, not to mention, explaining how hard it was to get him to go out with any girl and that if he said yes-I should go for it
It truly sounded too good to be true and as I always say, "when it sounds to good to be usually is....or else, there is a hidden catch somewhere". 
In any case, I traveled to the Big Apple to meet him. Of course the phone calls to set up the date prior to our meeting were similar to what Princess Lea posted, they all started off when his friends were around, when he was heading to a meeting, etc. basically, whenever he 'really couldn't talk (properly)'. He set the date up and didn't come on time. Just a small note <-this air="" amp="" brooklyn-="" fresh="" heat="" high="" in="" lack="" of="" sewage="" smelly="" summer="humid," the="" was=""> We drove to a small restaurant which he claimed was new in the area and ordered brunch. The entire date he kept picking up his blackberry, checking his emails? news? texting? and explaining how busy he was as an entrepreneur, etc. I honestly stopped listening after I saw him pick up his phone a third time, knowing there was no emergency, and knowing this was NOT mentchlechkeit, or proper date protocol. Nevertheless, an exact hour later, he dropped me off at my host. I say drop off, because that's exactly what it was and how it felt. He explained he had a meeting to go to and had managed to squeeze me in between. 
To this day, I am not even insulted, I just feel that someone like that should be given a proper course on manners and how to treat people. I didn't travel such a far distance, as well as spend the time/money/effort/emotions to be 'squeezed' in as a companion for someone's brunch. 
Nevertheless, the guy has loads of dates lined up, because as most people see him: he's tall, good looking, put together, has a great business, talkative, friendly, from a great family. The only thing they don't know, and cannot know unless they try and spend even just a mere hour of his time=he is NOT a mentch, so all of the above is null and void.
Princess-I feel for you and hope you told the Shadchan exactly what you wrote...