Thursday, September 24, 2015

He's "Busy" Right Now...

Two weeks. It's been two weeks already that I've been getting the runaround from different people and yet, I'm still where I started=absolutely nowhere.

I was redt to three guys at the same time. Yes, this has happened before, but because it's so hard for a frum girl to get a decent date these days, we look them as they come in.
Boy #1 was redt loads of times before. In fact I heard his name/city/age/occupation so many times but never got further than that because the guy never got back to anyone who redt the shidduch in the first place (otherwise known as 'not interested'). But this time, it was a relative of mine who met him. They got talking, Jewish geography, they found out they share relatives, hence I share relatives with the guy, so basically why say no? We're all one big happy family. 
"trust me" I told the relative, "the guy is NOT interested. It was suggested so many times and he never got back or followed up with any of them. If he was interested we would know."
But family being family, they didn't take no for an answer and they pursued. The guy told them he most definitely was interested but with Yom Tov coming up, he was traveling, etc. and he would let them know after Rosh Hashana. End result: They pursued, he responded by saying "he's busy."

Guy #2 was suggested to me months ago. I actually liked what I heard about him and he seemed like the type of guy I would go for. I was (for once) really happy that it was being redt but the shadchan never got back to me. I must've stalked the shadchan with emails/text messages, only to keep getting replies that the boy was 'busy' seeing someone. This went on for months. Atleast once a month I send an email to see what is going on, and it seems he is 'still busy'.

Guy #3 as well, was suggested before. He had requested I send my resume which I did. He then requested my photo, which I reluctantly sent. I usually don't send a photo, and am not comfortable with sending one unless the guy sees my information first and thinks it's shayach to proceed. At the same time, the person who redt it knew us both personally so she could've vouched for me (which she claims she did), and because she is someone I know, I sent my photo, trusting her. I never heard back and then, when I asked her a week or two later what happened, she said he was 'still thinking about it' this was after I sent my photo. Then there was some 'busy' excuse and it was forgotten. It was brought up once again, by the same woman, and once more, sounding vaguely familiar to him he asked for a photo. I explained that if he wasn't interested in my photo last year, I haven't changed that drastically to have a different photo this year. Again, the woman convinced me that since she knows him personally, it is totally understandable to send my photo once more, but was upset about it. Then again, who knows what us singles have to go through just to find out true zivug. In the interim, I was in touch with her to find out what his answer was....She said she just got a message that 'he was busy now'. My beef with this situation: if the shadchan just called him a day or two before and he was busy or was going to go out with a girl-why would he even ASK for a photo, knowing he was starting something?!?!?

The conclusion to all this: 'BUSY' is just a polite excuse to say no, he ain't interested.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

It's Whats on the INSIDE that Counts?

As frum Bais Yaakov girls, we were always taught about middos, and being good to others. To Daven with kavannah, act like a mentsch and dress tzniusdikly. 
I hope I checked off all the boxes above. 
There is however something they don't mention, which is you can do all the above and still dress trendy look put together. You don't have to be a shluch, and trust me, the moment you hit the Shidduch scene, it's all about looks. As much as I hate to admit it, most people judge but what they see. After all, if you're wearing bullet proof stockings-you must be Chassidish. If you are married and not covering your hair, you must be modern orthodox, and if a guy wears a kapatah, he must be Lubavitch. To a certain extent, our outside reflects who we are on the inside.
Which is why I sorta have to give a bit of credit to author of this post, Ms. Chizhik-Goldschmidt who says it as it is. 
For me, personally, I know that as much as looks count, I'm not going to marry a super star or even a model. I know that in the end, personality will win over. I'm BIG on personality, and a guy can look as good as he wants and dress to the T, but if he acts like a diva, or a deadbeat-he's outta my game.
And guys do care about how a girl looks and dresses. Notice on most male dating profiles they write 'looking for someone who is beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside' which is saying it nicely. I've also seen  some guys' profiles where they clearly state a preference of hair color/height/skirt size/weight, etc.
So, the point of this post is you can look good, be put together and still be tznius and act like a true Bas Yisrael. Men like to be impressed, and we gotta do our best to impress :)

Thursday, August 27, 2015

What Type of Woman are You Looking for?

A Shadchan asked the 'best bochur in Lakewood' what he was looking for in a girl. 
After some thought, the bochur replied. "I was driving down the Garden State Parkway last week when I noticed what seemed to be a heimishe woman trying to change a flat tire. I felt bad that she was obviously by herself and made a U-turn, figuring I would check it out for sure by driving slowly this time. Sure enough she was a heimishe kollel woman from Lakewood and I helped her change the tire. After I was done and about to drop the spare in the trunk, she put her finger to her lips and whispered,
"Please don't slam the trunk. I don't want to wake up my husband-he's sleeping in the back seat...'

The Bochur smiled at the Shadchan and said 'That's what I'm looking for in a girl!'

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Same Time, Same Place?

It happens. You get suggested two guy at the same time. Both of them said yes. Of course, all guys usually sound the same. So you look into the first and it sounds good. You look into the second and that too sounds good. You call back the Shadchan and give your go ahead for the first guy. You then call the second Shadchan and tell them it's a yes but you will have to get back to them with a definite day and time. 
The first guy shows up, takes you out to a nice restaurant. Really classy place, good food, fancy decor, pretty high priced and full to the brim with people. Lucky for me, the date was SOOO far off that I think we both knew it wasn't going to go past a first date and so we ate, paid and left. 
When I got home I contacted Shadchan number 2 to say I was ready to go out with boy #2 whenever worked for him as he had a more complex schedule. Turns out he wanted to take me out the next night. 
And so the following evening, guy#2 shows up. We get into the car and drive off, only to realize once we arrive, that we are standing at the same exact restaurant I was at the night before. I have a few seconds to gather my thoughts and hide my 'deer in the headlights' look before the waiter turns around, catches a glimpse and smirks. Here I am yet again, same time, same place but different guy. Oh and same waiter. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Another 'AWKWARD' Moment

I thought I'd experienced it all. From the weird dates, to stupid comments, to almost falling over the street grates in my heels over my actual date. Up until last week. 
I was set up as part of my 'shidduch experiment' but a family friend. Being that I was staying at a hotel, the guy met me in the lobby and we walked out to his car.  Naturally, not knowing where he parked or which car was his, I followed closely near him. He proceeded to walk between the cars which made it difficult to walk aside him so I walked behind him. When abruptly, he turns to the side and opens the car door, then realized I'm behind him. 
Which in turn meant, I thought I was following him to either an opened area where he parked or to my door. He suddenly panicked, the look on his face said it all, as he mumbled something about it being too narrow to walk me to the car on the passenger side. 
I was mortified, thinking he probably thought I assumed he would walk to my door to open it for me (which, if you read this blog and know me-is soooo not my type at all!) 
In any case, let's add that notch to my bedpost and move on. 
Lesson learned-watch outside (hotel) window to see where guy is coming from to note which car is his. 

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Shadchan Experiment

This last month I did something like never before. After years of complaining and ranting about 'the system', my friends and I decided to DO something about it. It took some brainstorming sessions but we came up with a plan. So, after recovering from my Shabbos vaca, the 3 of us got together, rented a van and made a road trip to the Big Apple to meet as many Shadchans/Shidduch group as possible in order to gain the maximum amount of exposure in the 'shidduch world' and spread our names. We decided to stay the month so if any SHIDDUCHIM come up we'd be 'in town' to date. 
The experiment started off on a very disappointing foot. We arrived straight to Shadchan #1 who had arranged for a few other shadchanim to be at her house to meet us. After asking us all for our emails and snapping photos (yes-they did take out cameras to take our photos). They suggested we meet every other 'we'll known' Shadchan and wished us hatzlacha. After sitting for what seemed like an hour we left, heads hung low. 
The next Shadchan we met was one of the 'top 5' yet, utterly upsetting. He didn't seem to really care much about us or the fact that we took off time and drove the long drive down for shidduch purposes. He stared at his computer most of the time and nodded his head whilst saying 'ah ha' every few minutes. He said he had some ideas and would be in touch. 
uh-he never was in touch. 
One of us was actually set up during our month stay-just one, and it ended up being set up by her friend. 
Next off was a woman my friend heard of who was pretty popular in terms of Heimishe shidduchim. We got to her house and she was sitting calmly on her couch, smiling at us and patting the spot next to her for us to sit down. Of course we all sat on the 'other side' of the couch and left my friend, Dassy to sit next to her as she was the one who made the appointment. Needless to say it felt super intimidating to be sitting next to this woman with a plastered smile on her face and just firing question after question in as little as 20 minutes. We got outta there quicker than you can say sorry and continued onto the next few meetings. 
BU I can say that after week#1 it went pretty well. Random friends and acquaintances set each of us up with guys. One shachan I saw even managed to try and arrange something which ended up working out due to a friend of mine intervening but I really felt I was doing my part and putting in Hishtadlus. I came home feeling refreshed that even though nothing really worked out, aTLEASt I went with friends and we made the best of it. Atleast we were each able to meet 1 guy (some of us met 4 guys in a week!) and come away with a feeling of pride when you put time and effort into something and it works out. 
So the shidduch experiment last month, I feel was a true success.