Monday, December 15, 2014

When the Shadchan creates the Shanda

Most people would agree that communication is key to any relationship. 
Dating is hard enough as it is, especially FrumShidduch dating. Everyone is on edge, nerves, on their best behavior and its hard to read into people. Personally, even if the guy is the biggest nerd, or most obnoxiously chauvinistic, I will still remain friendly and smile until he drops me off . Hence the guy always thinks I'm interested by the end of the date, when in truth, I'm just yapping away, hoping he will take me home.
Which is why there are Shadchanim (or atleast, why I would like to think Shadchanim are there). They can act as a buffer, hear out both sides, and be your "true" voice when speaking with the other side. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes the Shadchans plan out the entire wedding in their head before you even get into the guy's car for the first date. When you come back and tell  them it's not for you, they just won't hear of it. They have made up their mind, as well as your future life together, it's already all planned out in the Shadchan's head. No matter what you say, the Shadchan will not relay your true feeling at this point, to the other side. They may convince you to 'give it another try' and go out again, or perhaps 'sleep on it' and call them back the next day. Meanwhile, all  you want to do is politely DECLINE.
The other side will get a totally different picture of what you're thinking and the guy might even end up calling you asking about a second date. umm, helllllooo?!?!?!Where did the Shadchan go and why was the message not relayed?
I had this happen to me twice, first the Shadchan was in love with the guy they set me up with and even after giving it a few tries, the Shadchan still wouldn't hear a 'no'. To the point that the Shadchan told me they cannot tell the boy no and hurt him, therefore I would have to do the dirty work myself. Which, in that case, I was forced to do. But rather tell the guy no, than let him wait around or perhaps think I was interested.
Another time, the Shadchan called me right before my date to tell me to handle it myself as we were all in different timezones/countries and with the time difference, as well as cellphone roaming/internet connection as well as the fact that both myself and the guy were only in the same city for 2 days, the Shadchan just dropped the guy in my hands. I must admit it was quite awkward when the guy leaned over in the car asking what time tomorrow he should pick me up and I hummed and hawwed and made up excuses and said I would call back. In truth, I was a coward=I couldn't say no to his face, yet there was no chance in H E double hockeysticks I would date him again. So I smiled, thanked him, promised to let him know, and then texted the Shadchan to call him first thing,
Oy! why does this have to be such a complicated mess?!?!

Six13 Shake it Off

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Switching Roles

After reading Frumanista's post about guys ending dates a bit too late, it sorta got me thinking. I remember that a guy once came in to date me. He didn't have a car and didn't know anyone in the city. Nor did he plan on renting one. I mentioned to him that I can borrow my mom's car if need be and he shouldn't worry about finding a car and he just seemed pleased. 
When he arrived I asked if he prefer me to drive or if he was comfortable driving in a strange city. He suggested I be the driver. 
I must admit it was strange. The entire time I was thinking: do i open th car door for him? Do I ask if the air/heat in the car is ok? What about music?
Suddenly it dawned on me what guys must go through and/or think. Thre is so much thought or perhaps I we just overthinking things cuz I'm a woman?
Again, when we went out (my choice of place as it was my city) I kept thinking-do I end the date or wait for him? Since I have the car keys does it make me the guy in the relationship tonight? From the driving to finding the place to choosing the dating activity it was aLOT of thinking, planning and decision making. Mostly it was weird as I had to drop him off at his place of stay and drive myself home. My luck was I knew it wasn't for me so I cut it short when I pulled up to the place and told him I had to get home and drove myself. 
The best part-not having to be walked to the door and waiting/chatting at the door with someone I wasn't interested in. 
So guys, I feel for you. It must be hard trying to read us complicated girls and figure us out and then decide how to move on from there. 
The date really taught me a lot and put the whole thing in perspective. 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Age isn't something to tamper with



So my friend Mimi called me the other night to tell me about a shidduch. She met the guy at a wedding last week and he seemed really nice. She asked if I ever heard about him and went on to describe him, after I let her know I never heard his name before. 
When I asked how old he was she gave me an age that was a bit higher than the age range I'm comfortable with, but if all other information seemed suitable, then it would be something I would overlook. Mimi told me she would send him my info and get back to me. 
In the interim I took the liberty to do a quick google search. Only to have it confirmed that he is atleast 2-6 years OLDER than he told her. 
So, who to trust now? Why lie about age when it's something I will find out about anyway?

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

When it's a NO-GO...

There are times when, within the first few minutes that a guy shows up, you just know it's not gonna go any further. Be it for his looks, personality, attire, Middos, etc. sometimes it's just that obvious. 
As a girl, I'm proud that I've been brought up to be polite and sit out the entire date until the guy drops me off and then say thank you.
However, as a girl, I've also experienced the other side of the coin, when the guy clearly knew it wasn't shayach for him and made it quite clear by the way the entire date went. Just a few examples listed below will clearly show you how one shouldn't be treated, even when you know there's nothing to talk about. It can never hurt to be a mentsch and treat someone like a mentsch.
Once I traveled in for a date. The guy had rave reviews about him and we were due to go out for a lunch date. He showed up, was checking his phone the entire date, went to a restaurant where I was ignored as if I was a piece of furniture and he checked his phone and then 40 minutes later, he dropped me off. How did I feel? I would've rather stayed home in pjs, had a tub of ice cream and made myself a sandwich, eating it alone, rather than be someone's lunch company.

A separate time, I went out with a guy, who was also praised to the utmost on going out of his way to help others. The guy picked me up, complained the whole car ride about the place he was taking me (even though this clearly, was the place of his choice), didn't ask me anything most the date, shuffled around and looked like he was ADD. On the way home he decided he was hungry, so he double-parked, asked me to stay in the car in case a cop came (allowing me to move his car if need be), left me sitting there at night for a good 10 minutes, only to come back with a nosh for himself. Umm, hello!?!?! I'm here too! Then he ate it, offered me a piece of candybar (AS IF!) and dropped me home.

Point being, sometimes you just know there's nothing to talk about, but for some reason, you were meant to meet and it wouldn't hurt anyone to just be polite.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Dating Game

More and more often, I keep hearing about couples playing 'games' on dates to sorta break the ice. Only once, was I fortunate enough to have a guy offer to play a game with me...years back, when there was literally nothing else left to talk about on a date which just happened to be right near ToysRus Times Square. So for me, it was a great outer, where we killed 1/2 hour walking, choosing and going back to the hotel lobby. Although I havta admit it was weird playing a travel game such as 'guess who' with a guy who was hard to make conversation with.
Enter the new era of dating. Over Shabbos, I heard a shadchan talking about a game called the 'ungame' which she recommended her set-ups play when deep into the shidduch scene and trying to decide if they should continue or end it. She claimed it has great though-provoking questions and really helps couples see the other's opinion, etc.
And, to make things weirder, as I was writing this post, I just found out about this game called "Perfect Matches". Haven't spoken yet to anyone who played the game or even heard about it.
Have any of you, my fellow readers played it before? What do you think?