Sunday, July 5, 2015

Why Bother With Research?

You know the random suggestions you get every so often? The type when someone you don't know and never met, somehow calls you and has this great idea and you can't figure out how said-person actually even heard of you?
Well, just this past week this woman randomly called my house. Seems she met someone at a wedding who spoke about me and my single-status and this woman suddenly had a great idea as she knew of a guy same age and single as well!
So pants with skirt story continued with a name drop as well as the city the guy lives in. I did some research and lo and behold actually found out he did indeed exist yet he was no where near what I was looking for. Yes I have my specifics and yes I TRY and be open minded but this was quite far off. I was actually insulted with the suggestion and decided I wouldn't say anything mean as for starters the woman didn't even know me. 
In any case I was told to find out some info first and then the boy would look into me. I asked around and sure enough, after enough research found out even more that the guy was totally not for me. 
So I was PROACTIVE. Yes folks, I tracked down someone who was close with the boy himself and asked if he would even be open to dating someone like me. Sure enough the answer was an apologetic 'no'. 
And was I happy? Surely I was! I was polite, courteous, despite how insulted I was and handled things in a respectful manner.  
So why bother with all the nerves and emotions without even asking the guy first if this was at all a possibility?
Think about how much time and energy and hope could've been saved

Friday, July 3, 2015

Picky Pettiness

This week I had the privilege of participating in 3 weddings. Lucky for me, each one was a totally different crowd, so it wasn't boring and it was actually a wonderful experience. 
Unfortunately for me, I got to sit next to 'yentas and yachnes' at each chuppah, which was to say it nicely: the least pleasant part of the weddings. As the music started and the chosson walked down the aisle-the yenting began. At first, they whispered, then their voices turned from loud whisper to soft tone. It got SUPER annoying when the Rabbi was making the brachos and they were picking apart each person's outfit. From there went the flowers, the decor, the band, the singer, etc. I moved away right after the chuppah and enjoyed myself at the bar where I got myself a nice girly drink and danced my heart out all night long.
The second wedding was a more modern affair. Lucky for me, I grew up pretty open-minded, so being an out-of-towner Bais Yaakov girl, I've attended all types of classmates' weddings from chassidish to sefari to lubavitch to modern orthodox. Nothing really surprised me and each person has their own minhagim and I respect that. I guess the people sitting beside me at the chuppah of this particular wedding grew up pretty close minded. They didn't stop talking during the chuppah ceremony, commenting on every part of the chuppah from the Rabbis speech, to the singer, to the way the family was dressed, etc. I believe they went so far as to make fun of the minhagim. Needless to say I found solice in my tehillim app, walked away as soon as the chuppah was over and told them they need to get out more often.
The third wedding was full of shtick and loads of energy, but on a more simpler scale. I really enjoyed it as those are the favorite weddings-simple not fancy and full of yentas, yet full of energy! I met up with a longlost friend there and all she was commenting on the entire time was how plain the wedding was. It was truly disappointing as each time she commented on how 'pathetic' something was, or the cutlery not being super shiny, or not having wrapped chairs or a head table, it put a downer on my evening.
All in all I realized one thing: People say us girls are picky? Well, I admit, for certain things I AM, but the way these women were at a wedding, a simcha, where we are supposed to rejoice for the purpose of a couple FINALLY getting together-and instead they're busy with all the petty stupidities-that's what I call picky!

Monday, June 22, 2015

Humidity-not a Hotness Factor

Odds are that if you live on the Eastern coast of the North American continent-you've been living in super humid conditions. Personally, I don't deal well in humid conditions. It makes my hair frizz. It makes me crazy. It gives me headaches. It makes my skin swell-I can't even take my rings off. It makes me sweaty. It's just plain out gross. 
Some people like it. For me-it's the plague. 
The only thing worse than humid weather is having a date in this weather. I'm talking 80%-95% humidity. I pity the guy that has to take me out. Firstly-as much as I'll try to be in a positive mood. I'll probably be so self conscious about my hair turning into an Afro and my skirt sticking to my legs that I won't be able to concentrate. I'd probably be doublechecking my face in any reflection I could find to ensure my makeup isn't melting to make me look like one of the members of KISS. And I pray the guy would do his best to keep the date indoors with air conditioning-yes a car date would do fine, thank you. 
Honest-whatever is Bashert will be. But at the same time maybe is better to get stuck with a date in humid weather-then the guy could see my true colors from the beginning. He'd see me looking my ultimate worse (thank goodness for sheitels) to my most obsessive character to my worst mood. 
Perhaps in all this meshugas about humidity-it might end up being the best thing that ever happened? 
Who knows?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Scroll down for Photo

I admit it. I became one of them. Those people I made fun of all those times now I actually am (gulp!) one of them. 
The them I'm referring to are the ones who 'redd' a shidduch by first asking you for your photo and then asking you about yourself and who you are and what you're looking for. 
The them are also the boys who won't even look at a resume without a photo as part of it. 
The them is all the mothers of the boys who won't allow anything to even be suggested for their precious sons, unless said mothers see a photo (or two) of the girl first. 
And lastly, the them are the ones who provide a disclaimer that only after seeing a photo of a girl, if they like the photo, then and only then will they provide the Shadchan/girl their own information. 

The good news folks, is that I ain't all that extreme as per above. However, I became so used to receiving resumes that came with a photo that automatically when I receive an emailed profile-I scroll right down to view the photo first. I must admit it sounds rude but this is the way I've been programmed since this is the format I've been receiving resume emails in. At the same time-I gotta say-most profiles sound the same. The only thing different is the guy's actual name and height. Most are 'from or living in NY.' Most are 'in real estate or taking courses for law/cpa'. Most have 'good hearts, positive energy, learn daily, looking for a Frum and fun with-it kind of girl who knows how to chill and be serious when needed, etc.'
So you can't blame me for scrolling right down to see the pic first and then after, read the guy's description...

Can't believe I became one of those people :(

Monday, June 8, 2015

Dating Vaca

So, it's been a while, but y'know-as all singles eventually do=I needed a vaca. The whole shidduch system was really getting to me; the shadchans, the resumes, the dates, the miscommunications and the non-verbal communication, which now is email only or whatsapp messages. So folks, I did what anyone else in my situation would do, to avoid a nervous breakdown: I went to Priceline and found a last minute flight. I called my close friends, crashed with them and you know what? it was AWESOME!
I was away from the tri-state area, away from the dating scene, turned off my phone, stayed away from WiFi and I survived :)
I guess I now know what it means when I'm told the guy is burnt out and needs a vacation from dating. I used to be upset and annoyed when they used that excuse on me. Like-what the guy needs a break from dating?? He is the one who has the mitzvah to move on in life, get married and have kids. I, the single gal who had to take off work, travel and find myself places to stay, needed a break.
It's safe to say that now I see the other side. We all need refreshing from time to time. We need to stop, recharge our batteries, breathe the fresh air and just stop and enjoy life. All these minute little nuisances are part of Shidduchim and aren't likely to change. We, ourselves need to change-or atleast change our outlook in life.
Hoping I can find someone with that outlook.
Oh-and of course, I can't end this post without the clincher: So we were stranded at this random shul/resort/lobby Shabbos afternoon and didn't know a soul. My friends and I were chatting and joking and suddenly 3 frum guys show up. Good looking young guys. Here was the answer to my prayers-without anyone else in site to ask, we each shyly dared each other to go up to them and ask if they were single or not, but as girls tend to....we were all too shy and ashamed if the answer would be that they were married and at a conference, or engaged and this was the bachelor party or somethin...

Monday, May 11, 2015

Give me a Chance to make a First Impression!

In my search to find a suitable young bachelor, I'm constantly sent names/numbers/emails of people/shadchans/organizations to be in touch with, who 'know people' for me. Calls are usually made without anyone answering on the other end. Messages are left, which go unanswered. Emails are sent without receiving a reply back, even a 'thank you' to let me know they were actually received and read.
In my correspondence, I've tried to remain polite and positive, yet cannot help feeling dismayed at the lack of courtesy. Whilst I understand people are busy and are doing me the favor, a call back, a text message, an email with 2 words, or just to be told on the phone that it's not a good time to call, is better than being ignored.
Last week, I experienced a brand new "response". I was given the name of a shadchan by an old family friend of mine. Apparently this Shadchan is the new one in town and she's made umpteen Shidduchim and knows TONS of guys. I called up and she answered my call. I gave the whole intro, of who I was, what I was looking for, etc. and waited for a response on the other end.
"Ya", she said, "I've heard of you and your name came up, but you guys don't support yeshivos and are anti-yeshivish so..."
I don't have to tell  you how upset I was at her stupid assumptions and remarks. Just because I am NOT Yeshivish, doesn't mean I'm ANTI Yeshivish. My family actually supports many Yeshivas as well as Kollelim. The worst part is I don't know this woman, nor have I ever actually even met her. Yet, here she is on the other line, telling me who she believes & thinks I am. (and I was the one worried about making a first impression!) Nevertheless, I ended the call with a brief, thanks but no thanks and called my friend back. She too was shocked. She never mentioned my name to this woman and didn't understand where she got this information from, but as she said, even if this woman overheard something-to make such assumptions and then, in her position, pass on that false information is very bad PR for someone like me, who needs a Shadchan who can say good things.
Needless to say, I will not travel to meet this woman, nor call her again. I hope no one calls her about me and I hope she reads this so she will understand how someone in her position can ruin someone else with just one baseless assumption.
Woman-if you are reading this, just thing of the word assumption. People who ASSume things, well, y'know what they say about them...