Wednesday, March 25, 2015

He JUST Gave a "Yes" to Someone.....

Chances are, that if you've been in the Shidduch system, you've heard this phrase numerous times already. After all, "it's a boys' world". Boys have 'lists' and 'photo albums' and they also have mothers....meddling mothers (disclaimer: not all boys have this, but this is for stereotypical purposes only). 
I've been asked to forward my resume to a Shadchan and after a week, I decided to actually be proactive, so I called her up. She told me she was trying to reach the boy's mom but to no avail. So for the past 2 weeks, I'm playing telephone tag-well, not really tag, as I keep calling but don't get any answers....until yesterday. Yesterday the Shadchan called to tell me that the boy did indeed get my resume, but he just gave a yes to someone else. Ok, I can live with that. Of course, I won't know if it's true or not, but I've been in this game to know that letting things run its own course can't hurt. 
Later on that evening, the Shadchan called me again and asked-"but is it possible you can send them a photo?"
That got me thinking. I've been in this boat before-if the boy 'just gave a yes' to another girl, as they claim-why would he want my photo now? He's going to date another girl?? How can they even ask for this? Especially after giving that particular excuse! So I thought and my anger was simmering for a few hours...and my mind kept on going all night and then the next day. I called the Shadchan back and politely agreed to send my photo to them....only if and after he becomes 'available' to date again....

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Dad, Mom, We Love You Too!

Harsh, that's how I would describe the Shidduch system. It's cruel and hurtful and most stressing on the emotions. We cry alot and sure, we laugh alot (only once we're safely home after the date!) but in truth, we are all basket cases-drained of emotions.
That's where support comes in. I, B"H am very fortunate to have an awesome family bli ayin hara. We're all very close and share everything and I know I can count on my family for their support. Sure, we have our arguments and disagree-mostly, when it comes to Shidduchim, but hey-can I blame my parents for loving me and wanting me to have the best? Can I blame them for wanting to see me married already? Nopes, it only makes me thankful to have the most rockin' mom and dad in the world. So, whilst I may not tell them on a daily basis, and while we do have our battles in terms of Shidduchim, at the end of the day I know it's because they love me.
Second to them, I am blessed to have truly wonderful friends. I can count on them to laugh with me and to have cryfests, movie nights and private karaoke. I can count on them to save me from a horrid date, but only if my parents can get through to me first ;)
So whilst I'm constantly ranting on this site, I feel it's only necessary to take a small portion of this blog and let you all think for a minute. While we are going through these trying times and feel we are alone-we are NOT. We are surrounded by our loved ones and should pay tribute to that.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I want a MAN not a boy who thinks he can!

Got a pair of pants? That's how wonderful Shidduch ideas come about. Pants and a Skirt. Which is why it's quite interesting that this has been my biggest pet peeves these past few weeks.
It seems that the last few guys who were 'redd' to me couldn't even own up to being called 'a man'. Literally, it was like suggesting a guy in his late 20s, early 30s but you have to go through his mom. 'His mom wants a pic. His mom wants a resume. His mom wants to know why you wrote .... on your resume. His mom doesn't think he can come in for a date'....and so it went on.
Then came the guy #2, also late 20s, early 30s. Even though this guy dealt with Shidduchim on his own accord and was speaking directly to the shadchan himself, he couldn't make up his mind and decide what kind of person he actually is. You heard me folks-he had a problem with the fact that when he called references to look into me and what kinda guy I was looking to marry, he wasn't sure if he fit that mold exactly. Funny, as the whole reason the shadchan suggested it, as she clearly told me, was that he was everything I was looking for-according to my resume. The guy suddenly had a moment of self-reflection and decided that maybe last year he was that guy on the resume but now he doubted he was the same dude. Anyway, that took a week of self-reflection without getting back to me...maybe he  went to rehab?
Guy #3 was truly interesting. He heard I use internet-ummm. Welcome to era of the millenium?! and might just but isn't quire sure if he's ok with that....Funny how his resume came by EMAIL, and email goes through internet-so whaaa!??!? (in a singsong up tune) In the interim he's waiting to see what his Rav's take on women using internet is (and yes, this is serious). If his Rav is ok with it and won't disregard him in a lesser light, than maybe he will honor me with his very gracious 'YES' to agree to date me, if not, well then he'll go with whatever his Rav says.
Guys-grow a pair. Seriously, make up your OWN mind. If you're old enough to date for marriage, then you're old enough to make your OWN decisions. Newsflash: once you're married, you're going to have to make grown up decision and while you will B"H IY"H still have your parents and Rabbonim to consult with, at some point in your life, you will have to come up with answers and minor decisions on your own. As much as I am very pro in involving your parents and asking advice of a Rav on issues, I also believe people have their own minds for a reason. You have an opinion, just speak up for yourself.
So going back to my first question....do you know anyone who wears a pair of pants?

Sunday, March 1, 2015

March Madness

Give in the towel. That's what they all say. Just forget about all the nitty, gritty details of Shidduch resumes and jump right in.
So that's what I decided to do. Seriously. Me-the most untrusting individual in the world, just going on a whim with the next suggestion that comes up. And so it did. I received a call from a Shadchan about a boy that was suggested a few times in the past. Each time I said no, based on my bestie's advice. You see-she dated him a while back and I remember her 'horror' story about the date. So when it was suggested in the past, I just said 'thanks, but it's not for me' and walked away.
Until the other night, when the Shadchan called. She seemed to already know my bestie and the fact that we were really close. She asked me not to take the whole story into consideration and to keep in mind the time that had passed since then and the fact that the guy is an all around normal frum guy. I had just made the little deal with myself to 'jump in the deep end' and decided, well, what's the worst that can happen. So I gave the Shadchan my go ahead and she was utterly delighted with my 'yes'. Now that this madness had commenced I was already in it and too late to back out. Except, even though I had made plans to be in NY and the guy was from NY, he wouldn't be there at the same time. Which, I must say is a bummer, being that I finally did something daring and crazy. 
So all the madness for nothing? or we just wait until NY guy gets back and let time take its course.....

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Restricted References

Most people list their good friends and sometimes even family as references on a Shidduch resume. Some put their Rabbi/Rebbe, Madricha/Madricha and occasionally someone they worked with/for.
Personally, when I make Shidduch calls, I try to avoid calling references and try to find someone I know, or someone I know who knows someone who knows the guy, so I can find out objective information and opinions. Of course the friends will think and say that the guy is 'A-M-A-Z-I-N-G', if your friends don't say that-they are not your true friends. But as an objective person who knows the family or the boy himself, it's always great to hear what they see about the guy and his family and their take on the situation.
This week I was on the receiving end of the whole Shidduch reference deal. I received a call for a Shidduch of a girl I don't really know well. Sure, I know her name and I see her around at the occasional Simcha, speech, grocery, but that's about all I can really say about her. Which is why I was surprised when, after asking to speak with me, the woman said she was calling about this specific girl. I wasn't really sure how she got to me and explained I wasn't a really good reference as the girl is MUCH younger than me, I don't know her well at all, can't tell her anything about her personality or Middos and we don't hang in the same circles. The woman explained she already knew that, but got my number as she heard I know the mom.
Here's the weird part: I do know the mom. We used to work together closely and she had a reputation for being really loud, bossy and aggressive. I didn't really like her, but work is work. We were civil, got our jobs done and after hours, went home happy (most of the time). So, I was surprised again-that she was asking me about the mom, but when the woman was specifically telling me she was calling as she knows I worked with the mom and that she heard the mom has a reputation I suddenly stepped out of my own feelings. I thought-here's this young girl, she seems nice and sweet-although I don't know her well. The  mom, yes, she is loud and pushy-but she's not a pushover, nor is she mean. They married off kids already and her kids-in-law, as well as mechutanim and grandchildren absolutely love her. She's a kind woman, and is involved in communal chesed organizations. This should not stop a Shidduch and I will tell this woman the bare facts.
And I did. I had to step away from my emotions about working the mom and how frustrating it was when she was loud and pushy, and see the good side. I told the woman on the phone that yes, that is the general reputation, but as someone who worked day in day out-and who knew of her family, her mechutanim, etc.,her bark is louder than her bite. She is well-liked, she gets along with people and really tries to help.
Surprisingly the woman was sooo thankful and sounded relieved. She said this is exactly what she was hoping to hear and was pleased as she had called around only hearing concerns about the mom being loud and pushy. 
Proud to be able to put aside my feelings and really good info.  

Sunday, February 15, 2015

My Life at this point in Shidduchim...

If I had to sum up my life right now, I'd need enough of these t-shirts to last a good few months. 
Valentines Day has come and gone. I'm gonna sit here with my box of chocolates and eat them alone in the dark. No one sent me any cute/funny ecards or even chocolate. I know it sounds pathetic, but some small feminist part of me, sorta craves that only in the movies type of romancing-even though I know it's all fake.
Everyone likes to be noticed and appreciated at times, and I guess I'm sorta not feelin it right now.
My dating life has turned into a desert-desperate for rain. I just need ONE guy, ONE raindrop to give me some faith that there ARE indeed some normal single guys out there. The last few have been well...let's just say I wouldn't suggest them to any of my friends. 
Thanks to the blogging life, I know I'm not alone but it seems all too often I'm attending weddings, Sheva Brachos, vorts, etc. and I'm the only single at the event, which then makes me the 'nebach' of the night, hence becoming certain people's "mitzvah project".
It's just all-out awkward. I've tried numerous dating sites. I've emailed/texted Shadchanim. Heck, I even got access to a whole list of guys, yet after sorting through hundreds (yes, and I do mean hundreds) of profiles and checking off atleast 5-10 guys that sounded good. Each one either said no, or didn't get back, for the most oddest reasons. Am I insulted? No, I have enough confidence in myself and each person has their own reasons to say no, whether I believe they are legit or not. Is it upsetting that the guys I find normal aren't interested in me-ummm, ya!
So, can I buy all you single gals out there this shirt, so we can have a gals shidduch protest-it would definitely give us the attention we so deserve (wink, wink)