Wednesday, May 25, 2011

They SAY They 'Know'

A friend of mine called to 'redd' me a shidduch. Yay! This week has been quite busy with phone calls about shidduch ideas being 'redd' to me, so let's hope they actually get past the guy and he actually makes some calls before deciding that I'm too far away and he's not interested in an 'out-of-town' girl.
In any case, so my friend is getting my info (sad, what shidduchim has come to=even my friends need an emailed resume, PDF, Black & White, with minimum 4 references & preferably a photo, if not two) and when I'm done with my speech, and she's done taking my info, she asks me if I wanna know about the guy.
Honestly, my curiosity got the better of me, but I was chilled and told her, only if she wanted. So she tells me she doesn't really remember his name, but he's from Flatbush, he's like whatever age and he's a lawyer. That's all. Then she waits for my approval, but honestly, she still didn't tell me ABOUT THE ACTUAL GUY. So I told her I haven't heard the name before (she did recall his name later on, but wasn't sure about the first name) so it wasn't redd and I really didn't need more info unless the guy says yes.
Then she tells me, ..and here I quote 'he's an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, MOST PHENOMENAL guy....I mean, I haven't actually met him or his family, but I know his relatives and they're the nicest, sweeetest people, etc.'
Hello?!?! Hopefully no one sums my up based on my relatives as (a) I'm NOTHIN like them at ALL, (b) I should hope the person actually met me and (c) can confirm that based on what they know about me-that I'm a potential shidduch idea for someone else, based on the other person who they know, or heard about, etc.

So what people actually KNOW, or say they KNOW are 2 diff. things. Don't paint a whole beautiful picture, with all the descriptive adjectives=unless it's firsthand. Otherwise, all guys are nice, sweet, goodlooking, great middos, etc. I'm not buying what people just say-they havta KNOW

Friday, May 20, 2011

When 'non-tznius' happens on a Date

This is second hand info:

My friend's sister is seriously dating someone. She must be about 22, and I wouldn't say she is yeshivish, but she is more frum than her family. She wears her skirts like exactly at the 4-inch mark, probably doesn't watch tv/movies, goes to shiurim and is the type to daven mincha everyday, just to give you all a picture. Her family is more open-minded and are slowly moving to the right by taking small things upon themselves and slowly changing the style of clothing and adding from frum-terminology to their lingo.

Anyhoo, so she's dating this really yeshivish guy-family of rosh yeshiva-type. They're on a date and they go for dessert. Apparently, the 'minhag' at the dessert place is that they ask you you're birthday and hand you a small paper with your horoscope-a one liner phrase.

So they both get handed their mini-papers with their one-liners and as a cute thing, they take each others and read it out loud. The guy reads the girls, it's something typically stupid. The girl refuses to read his outloud. She starts blushing and is clearly embarassed. The guy asks her to read it again and is so curiuos to know why she won't read it. She finally acquiesces and tells me, she cannot read it but will let him see it to read to himself.

It says something clearly not-tznius. Not like serious pritzus, but let's just say it includes an act that only married couples do.

So, yes, this young couple are basically ready to get married. They are dating seriously and may even get engaged to each other, meaning, hopefully by now they've matured in life, realize that they get along well, and may end up living with each other, so one little 3-letter-word, no matter how untznius, shouldn't really get in the way that much.

Apparently, they just got engaged, so it didn't make that much of a difference, but c'mon folks-I believe that in this stage in life, we're all (hopefully!) over 18 and anything rated R is either something we heard on the street/bus/subway or seen on billboards/tv/internet/movies. No one can be that naive in this day and age, and aside from that, what do they think marriage is about? do they think storks still deliver the babies? My opinion on the matter-grow up, don't make a bigger deal about it. OK, lemme also consider how, when I was at that age, a good Bais Yaakov girl, I would too -be embarrassed to read the word outloud and this girl is MUCH frummer, so I really can't judge, but I guess, being at my age, when I've dated so many (may I add 'not shy-at-all!') guys, I think I've heard and seen it all. Perhaps, I would blush and then briefly change the subject, but sheesh! it's just a one-liner typed up but some random dude who gets paid to copy and paste horoscopes onto paper!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

When a Good Friend 'Knows'

So, here's the matz: (for those of you not familiar with SoS's lingo matz=matzav, aka situation)
This woman meets me at the grocery-ya, the Kosher grocery, the only one in our area, which basically is not the greatest place to go if you wanna avoid people.
Anyhow, so this woman who used to live down my block and whom I haven't seen since she moved like 6 years and 3 kids later meets me. She suddenly has this epiphany and gets all excited about her husband's brother-in-law who is coming to town and who's friend happens to be single and frum. But really, ok, he's a working guy, so now that means he's 100% for me. It gets better: the single friend is coming to town with the hubby's bro-in-law.
Then comes the punch->he's coming in to date someone else. But this woman with her epiphanies-she decides to ask me if I would be willing to date him, as a case his other date doesn't work out and it's not shayach.
And she goes for the kill->he's coming tomorrow.
So, I slow her down and tell her: Mrs. A, thanks sooo much for having me in mind, I appreciate it, really I do. (that's my sweet starting line to let people know I care), and then I go on 'in general, I don't just go out with guys like that. I get info and then I make a few calls and if I decide it's shayach then I go out. I understand he is coming to town, but that's no reason to put us together just in case a date doesn't work out. Even though he 'trusts' you and would probably date me, I don't feel comfortable wasting anyone's time.'
Anyway-she hesitates (obviously she's not happy with my response) and apologizes for making me second choice. So I explain to her it has NOTHING at all to do with being second.
Then she wrecks the entire situation (it can't get more worse than this) and tells me who he is going out with.
Here's my issues:
1) It's NONE. I repeat, absolutely NONE of my, nor anyone elses business.
2) It's not HER business to tell anyone, even if she knows this because he is staying at her house
3) It just so happens to be that this girl who he is dating is my REALLY good friend.
4) My other REALLY good friend was suggested to him and he told the shadchan he wasn't traveling at that point in time, but whenever he does travel, she should wait for him. Um, I didn't tell her about this but I'm 100% sure he didn't get back to her, hence she is still waiting...

So, ya, I didn't know that my good friend was going to date him. It's her decision to tell me. It's her business and I respect that. Even though we share stuff, names, etc. obviously she had her reasons and I'm totally not insulted nor am I taking this personally, nor did I somehow bring it into our recent convos, especially when she cancelled our plans because she was 'busy with things'.
On the other hand, I feel like I'm kinda in a 'love triangle' as my other friend was suggested to him first. Not only did they both agree to go out-he told her to wait for him to travel and now that he's traveling, no one even had the decency to tell her. Imagine if she would've somehow ended up as the same place as both of them-OUCH!

So, point is-I humbly consider myself to be a good friend, well, more than a good friend, to both of these girls and a good friend 'knows' but doesn't tell. That's how friends remain. Making sure that the other doesn't get hurt and looking after their backs.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Stereotypes-Step Aside

Confession: I stereotype. I do. I believe in stereotypes and I just can't change that. People DO change, not everyone IS the same, but it's hard to convince me of that. Perhaps it's due to my dating experiences, or me being burnt-out by the shidduch-system, but I can't help that.

But, lucky for all you folks, I had a change of mind this past week.

It all started when I got invited to this 'official function' which was taking place. It was kind of a fancy affair, but not a black-tie event. It was held in a large official hall and I knew it would be a mixed crowd and I would probably be one of the only Jewish single girls there, so I kept a small handbag in one hand and my iPhone in the other (sure beats having nothing to hold and then explaining to almost every guy that I don't shake hands due to religious reasons!).

In any case, I tried to dress my best, look professional, appropriate, and tznius. I wore a nice outfit and smart shoes and held my head high, shoulders back, with a small dose of confidence to finish the look.

As I walked in, I couldn't help but notice the other women in the room. The skinny woman with her long black hair, her tight, and short, red suit and her 6 inch heels (no exaggeration), the tanned woman with her hair in long bottle curls, with just a shirt and long tanned legs with 4 inch strappy stilettos. So, perhaps I was lucky in the sense that all the men were busy taking in the beautiful women and no one would need to come over and make conversation or shake hands.

I walked over to the bar to get a drink and this guy, who happened to walk into the hall at the same time as me, AND who held the door for me as he let me walk in first, just happens to be at the bar as well. I smile and say hi and get ready to walk away with my drink when he notices the tanned woman-or shall I say her legs/shoes. I watch his eyes take her in and he turns to me and asks why I'm not wearing those 'type of shoes'. I wasn't sure what he was getting at, so I just turned around and said 'trust me, those heels have an expiration date-give her 2 hours and she'll be in her ballet flats'. The guy then shook his head, laughing and told me he just doesn't get it, what was she trying to do, what look was she going for? He actually didn't agree with her look and thought her to be ridiculous!
I was A-M-A-Z-E-D!!!

Here I thought, wow, these women have the place covered. They dress to impress, look to kill, have the body and legs any guy would salivate over and this guy wasn't impressed!?!?!? how could he, as a guy, NOT want that?!

Throughout the evening we kept talking, and it seemed he was just a decent, gentleman. Not married, early 20s, but not into the whole 'throw yourself in a guy's face type'. He was extremely polite and respectful of me (being Frum and all), and it was just a breathe of fresh air to know there are some decent guys out there. I just couldn't believe it coming from him, especially a young, single, energetic, non-J guy.

Thanks, Mr. Goy, for teaching me to put my stereotyping aside and still have faith!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

"No Pressure"

Most of us singles in the Shidduch World have heard the expression "no pressure" many times!
It's always used before you go out, as in 'well, if you don't like the information you received from references---no pressure----no one is forcing you to go out with him"
or-whilst you're dating: "no one can decide except for you. But don't worry---no pressure---take your time to make your decision"

However, as much as everyone keeps saying 'no pressure' there is ALWAYS pressure. Especially in the Jewish ways of dating. Time=pressure. Most people, either Shadchanim or the guy/girl or their respective families don't like to let things schlep. Most girls are thinkers-they gotta make sure it makes sense in their heads as well as their hearts and its takes TIME for them to get comfortable, to make a decision, etc.

And, aside from all the 'unsaid' pressures, there is pressure to be thin, good looking, outgoing, the most wanted bachelor/ette, noticed by others, etc.

AND, if it makes it any worse, once you get engaged, there's still pressure-but at different levels. Pressure to maintain the (skinny figure) weight you've probably lost from the nerves of dating/getting engaged, to make sure you have the 'right' gown, 'AMAZING' sheitel, clothes, house, etc. Then you get married. Pressure on an entirely new level. Now you're in a new category: "newlywed". So it's pressure to be the 'cutest couple'. To get pregnant, start a family, have kids, host dinner parties, have an awesome house, show off your spouse, etc. etc.

But, if I thought we, as single-in-shidduchim have it bad. If I thought, the entire frum world is staring and 'noticing us' in a pitiful way and the unsaid pressure they are thinking-then Poor Princess Catherine-and the pressure that the entire world is putting on her to, well, as the Brits so eloquently put it 'produce an heir'.....withing 9 months.....or else!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

What Women Want......To Know

Taking a poll here from all men (or married wives of these men) to find out what men would say they appreciate most of women.
Being a single, I would like to know, and I know there is no ONE general response, but I would really like to know what specific attribute or physicality men appreciate most of women.
Let's put it this way: if all us single girls were to spend money on 'one specific thing' that our husband would totally appreciate-what would that 'one specific thing be'? e.g. makeup to make our faces more appealing, a good hairdresser, personal trainer to make sure we are fit, fashionable clothing/shoes, waxing, working on our middos, doing more chessed, etc.
The list if endless. Please feel free to be blunt and honest.