Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Question & Answer period

Recently I redd a Shidduch to someone. What a great feeling it was to be on the other side. I called both parties, got through to one who was willing and I couldn't get through to the other side. Two weeks went by and I fel utterly guilty as I had promised one side to get back but really couldn't manage get hold of the other side at all. Being in this situation myself, I was frustrated as I know how much the waiting game can be hurtful and annoying at the same time. No one likes to wait and everyone makes promises but I'd like to believe I'm a woman of my word. 
Finally I got throught to the other party (they had been overseas for 2 weeks!) and said they would look into it. I cannot explain the joy I had in calling back the first side to let them know that no, I had not forgotten them and no, the other side didn't get a 'no' but they were just Unreachable. Needless to say, they were very happy I called back to keep them in the loop. 
In Shidduchim we constantly wait around. Wait to get suggestions, wait to reach references, wait to tag people down, wait for a shadchan to call back, wait for a 'yes' or 'no' to the date, etc. I just had a similar issue when a guy was redd to me and we both agreed to date but he changed his mind and decided he didn't think I was for him. The shadchan was shocked at the sudden backing out and claims to know him well and really believes this was a good shidduch but I'm now in 'question and answer mode' meaning I'm told to 'wait it out' whilst she asks all the appropriate questions and he or his mom get to think over the answers if this is for him or not. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

He JUST Gave a "Yes" to Someone.....

Chances are, that if you've been in the Shidduch system, you've heard this phrase numerous times already. After all, "it's a boys' world". Boys have 'lists' and 'photo albums' and they also have mothers....meddling mothers (disclaimer: not all boys have this, but this is for stereotypical purposes only). 
I've been asked to forward my resume to a Shadchan and after a week, I decided to actually be proactive, so I called her up. She told me she was trying to reach the boy's mom but to no avail. So for the past 2 weeks, I'm playing telephone tag-well, not really tag, as I keep calling but don't get any answers....until yesterday. Yesterday the Shadchan called to tell me that the boy did indeed get my resume, but he just gave a yes to someone else. Ok, I can live with that. Of course, I won't know if it's true or not, but I've been in this game to know that letting things run its own course can't hurt. 
Later on that evening, the Shadchan called me again and asked-"but is it possible you can send them a photo?"
That got me thinking. I've been in this boat before-if the boy 'just gave a yes' to another girl, as they claim-why would he want my photo now? He's going to date another girl?? How can they even ask for this? Especially after giving that particular excuse! So I thought and my anger was simmering for a few hours...and my mind kept on going all night and then the next day. I called the Shadchan back and politely agreed to send my photo to them....only if and after he becomes 'available' to date again....

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Dad, Mom, We Love You Too!

Harsh, that's how I would describe the Shidduch system. It's cruel and hurtful and most stressing on the emotions. We cry alot and sure, we laugh alot (only once we're safely home after the date!) but in truth, we are all basket cases-drained of emotions.
That's where support comes in. I, B"H am very fortunate to have an awesome family bli ayin hara. We're all very close and share everything and I know I can count on my family for their support. Sure, we have our arguments and disagree-mostly, when it comes to Shidduchim, but hey-can I blame my parents for loving me and wanting me to have the best? Can I blame them for wanting to see me married already? Nopes, it only makes me thankful to have the most rockin' mom and dad in the world. So, whilst I may not tell them on a daily basis, and while we do have our battles in terms of Shidduchim, at the end of the day I know it's because they love me.
Second to them, I am blessed to have truly wonderful friends. I can count on them to laugh with me and to have cryfests, movie nights and private karaoke. I can count on them to save me from a horrid date, but only if my parents can get through to me first ;)
So whilst I'm constantly ranting on this site, I feel it's only necessary to take a small portion of this blog and let you all think for a minute. While we are going through these trying times and feel we are alone-we are NOT. We are surrounded by our loved ones and should pay tribute to that.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I want a MAN not a boy who thinks he can!

Got a pair of pants? That's how wonderful Shidduch ideas come about. Pants and a Skirt. Which is why it's quite interesting that this has been my biggest pet peeves these past few weeks.
It seems that the last few guys who were 'redd' to me couldn't even own up to being called 'a man'. Literally, it was like suggesting a guy in his late 20s, early 30s but you have to go through his mom. 'His mom wants a pic. His mom wants a resume. His mom wants to know why you wrote .... on your resume. His mom doesn't think he can come in for a date'....and so it went on.
Then came the guy #2, also late 20s, early 30s. Even though this guy dealt with Shidduchim on his own accord and was speaking directly to the shadchan himself, he couldn't make up his mind and decide what kind of person he actually is. You heard me folks-he had a problem with the fact that when he called references to look into me and what kinda guy I was looking to marry, he wasn't sure if he fit that mold exactly. Funny, as the whole reason the shadchan suggested it, as she clearly told me, was that he was everything I was looking for-according to my resume. The guy suddenly had a moment of self-reflection and decided that maybe last year he was that guy on the resume but now he doubted he was the same dude. Anyway, that took a week of self-reflection without getting back to me...maybe he  went to rehab?
Guy #3 was truly interesting. He heard I use internet-ummm. Welcome to era of the millenium?! and might just but isn't quire sure if he's ok with that....Funny how his resume came by EMAIL, and email goes through internet-so whaaa!??!? (in a singsong up tune) In the interim he's waiting to see what his Rav's take on women using internet is (and yes, this is serious). If his Rav is ok with it and won't disregard him in a lesser light, than maybe he will honor me with his very gracious 'YES' to agree to date me, if not, well then he'll go with whatever his Rav says.
Guys-grow a pair. Seriously, make up your OWN mind. If you're old enough to date for marriage, then you're old enough to make your OWN decisions. Newsflash: once you're married, you're going to have to make grown up decision and while you will B"H IY"H still have your parents and Rabbonim to consult with, at some point in your life, you will have to come up with answers and minor decisions on your own. As much as I am very pro in involving your parents and asking advice of a Rav on issues, I also believe people have their own minds for a reason. You have an opinion, just speak up for yourself.
So going back to my first question....do you know anyone who wears a pair of pants?

Sunday, March 1, 2015

March Madness

Give in the towel. That's what they all say. Just forget about all the nitty, gritty details of Shidduch resumes and jump right in.
So that's what I decided to do. Seriously. Me-the most untrusting individual in the world, just going on a whim with the next suggestion that comes up. And so it did. I received a call from a Shadchan about a boy that was suggested a few times in the past. Each time I said no, based on my bestie's advice. You see-she dated him a while back and I remember her 'horror' story about the date. So when it was suggested in the past, I just said 'thanks, but it's not for me' and walked away.
Until the other night, when the Shadchan called. She seemed to already know my bestie and the fact that we were really close. She asked me not to take the whole story into consideration and to keep in mind the time that had passed since then and the fact that the guy is an all around normal frum guy. I had just made the little deal with myself to 'jump in the deep end' and decided, well, what's the worst that can happen. So I gave the Shadchan my go ahead and she was utterly delighted with my 'yes'. Now that this madness had commenced I was already in it and too late to back out. Except, even though I had made plans to be in NY and the guy was from NY, he wouldn't be there at the same time. Which, I must say is a bummer, being that I finally did something daring and crazy. 
So all the madness for nothing? or we just wait until NY guy gets back and let time take its course.....