Saturday, November 30, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
So, this is how rumours start....
Yup, one guy/girl sees another guy/girl they know on a date and "assume" that because that person was seen in a 'common' place, or SEEN altogether, then that person is getting engaged.
I've heard it loads of times. In fact, I remember years back, going to eat out with friends at a new restaurant in town. It was at the end of the summer and the restaurant was a european type-ambience with outdoor seating. The weather was nice and we got seated outside. A few moments later, we noticed a younger girl walk in with a guy, clearly on a date. The restaurant was quite small, so we remained seated outdoors whilst they went inside. I continued my meal with my friends, our backs turned away from the indoors so that the girl wouldn't be embarrassed (especially as she was freshly dating then). One of the girls I was with was convinced that girl was getting engaged because it was 'obvious' that since she was out with a guy, in a suit, on a date, when it was still light outside (9pm), and in a new restaurant, where there were bound to be people, in our small town....I told her she was flat out nuts, and perhaps, as most dates go-the guy came in for her, was hungry, wanted to eat out, the weather was nice and they chose this place for whatever reason. Turns out-I was right-they never got engaged (to each other).
Anyway-that's just one point.
Then there's the phone call "someone is getting engaged tonight....I can't tell you who, but you know them VERY well...' which is also telling a lot, without saying names. big woop-have the time those aren't true.
Lastly, are the people who SEE people on dates or HEARD they were set up without knowing anything else other than hearsay, and deciding that the guy/girl is 'seriously' seeing someone and it's 'unofficial" (but they were privileged to know this information).
Or my personal favourite, just happened a few days ago. Someone tries to reach you, calls you at home, there is no answer. They then proceed to call your cell, you don't pick up. They can't understand why you wouldn't be home (or you just choose not to answer their call) AND not be picking up your cell phone (it IS a cellphone after all), so you MUST be
"busy". I had this numerous times, but just a few days back, when I called the number that showed up as a missed call on my cell, and left a voicemail at my home, the woman asked how my night out was. That folks, is what I call CHUTZPAH.
Nosypokers-rumor starters, why can't people just mind their own business?
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
The last few guys who were suggested to me, I was told, were interested in going out with me, hence I received their information forwarded so I can look into them. (spoiler alert for newbie shidduch peeps-guys usually get to say 'yes' or 'no' to a girl first, as they sorta get first dibs, and that way if they say 'no' the girls feelings don't get hurt....or so they say). For each of the guys I looked into, called around, asked references, etc. there was nothing 'pulling' about them. No, I'm not picky, it's just that there wasn't one specific thing, if not more, that made them sound appealing, interesting, etc. Not that this would hold me back. The way I work-if the guy is interested and his info checks out and all sounds legit, then we go out and take it from the date onwards.
The first guy, I havta admit sounded really nerdy. I literally got bored reading his resume-it was as if I was forced to read an autobiography back in school. The second, provided a photo that, well, to be kind, made him look sorta goofy (and no, it wasn't some cute pose, or Facebook profile pic-it was just his face), and the third, well, some of the info provided sounded a bit too iffy. I wasn't sure what to do, honestly, as each of these guys gave a 'yes' but they also EACH said, they wouldn't travel to date me and that gave the 'don't make her come to NY just for me, BUT next time she plans on coming in, I would go out with her' line.
Guys-I feel that whenever someone says that, it means they're not that interested and make no effort. In my experience-if a guy is interested-he makes a move. OK, not everyone can travel, for various reasons. But the 'don't come in just for me' also sounds very noncommittal. I've been to NY for 2 hours in total for dates and I've been there for 12 hours for 1 bad date and sometimes days at a time. Yes, traveling is a pain in the butt, yes we have to do it, but as a single, we make an effort. I know that's part of my hishtadlus, no matter how long the trip (and it's a looooong trip) and how short my stay (like I said, I once drove in for a 2 hour date and then drove back). The I found out, that one guy really doesn't date out-of-towners, the other, apparently, doesn't date girls the same age as him (which we were) and the third doesn't travel at all-no matter how far/close or how serious the relationship.
So, here's my advice to the guys out there. If you're really NOT interested in a girl and don't think you can be persuaded by a date, or by seeing her even once, twice or three times-please don't bother making the girl come in. It's just a waste of your time, her time, and a big disappointment for us girls who have to take off from our jobs, our school, find replacements, pay lots money & spend lots of time traveling, not to mention physical energy, exhaustion, nerves and then getting all dolled up when there was never a chance to begin with that you'd give the shidduch a try.
Rather man up and say no, than live under the pre tense that you're being a nice guy and convincing someone you would give it a try, even though you know it's a no-go.
Give a true no, rather than a false yes.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
I've recently discovered a show on TLC called 'Hidden Princes', which is a reality show based on the Princes, Lords, and other Royal members who are not so famous. These Princes are looking for love and not to be wed by prearranged marriages or for honor or money. The show brings them to North America and sets them up in an apartment, with a job, so they can get used to living a simple lifestyle and then they set them up with regular girls. At the end of the date, they reveal who they really are. This way the girl, without knowing who the guy really is, can base her decision no the actual GUY and not his title.
Here's what I like about this-Lord Rob has a realistic view on life, and in such, describes perfectly what defines a good guy: http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/secret-princes/videos/behind-the-title.htm
too bad he ain't Jewish :(
Sunday, November 10, 2013
In the last week alone I'm seeing clearly how boys can get away with so much more than girls. They can make decisions that they don't need to justify. They put forth their requests and demands and 'shadchanim' nod their heads and get them whatever they wish.
With girls, on the other hand, every little move they make they are obligated to justify and are then told that 'that is not a (good enough) excuse' when they make their decision. Hence the 'pushing' from the shadchan and the girl is pressured into making decisions she doesn't believe in.
As an example: I was supposed to go out with a guy last week. The shadchan called-it was all last minute chaos, etc. She didn't even give me a résumé/basic info. I just asked for a name. But no-no info, no name and guess what? The guy never showed. I was 'pushed' into agreeing to going out just for a quick coffee without having a smidge of info.
Yet, 2 days later a different shadchan called me and asked me to send a photo as the guy she had in mind wanted a photo before even knowing my name or anything else about me. Instead of telling him to perhaps check into my info and see if I was even 'shayach' for this guy-the shadchan jumped at his request for a photo without any info and went ahead to request this from me (actually she didn't ask-she demanded).
But no, ladies & gents, I will no give in to this idiocracy. As much as photos help-people have to be mentchlech. That rings true for guys, girls and shadchanim.
Guys have atleast are given a choice,
With girls-we decide and then the shadchan makes noise,
Like they all say-the shidduch system is for the boys!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I'm seriously getting annoyed with people's excuses, be it Shadchanim, singles, the 'boy's side', etc. Everyone has a different excuse and let's face it, most of them are just that-excuses.
Either someone feels bad telling you the guy isn't interested, and they make up an excuse for him.
Or, you go out on a date and the guy takes you home early-truth is, he's bored outta his mind, but he'll make an excuse up to get you home early.
I goes on and on a vicious cycle.
What annoys me the most, is when Shadchanim make up excuses. I'm a girl-I can take it. Tell it to me straight up, which is what I tell shadchanim when I meet them/speak to them and they suggest someone. I tell them openly that I don't need excuses, they shouldn't feel bad telling me it was redd to the guy and he doesn't want it. I don't take it personally, and everyone has the right to make their own decision, whether I agree with their choice or not. But, don't under any circumstances, make excuses for people.
Most recently, I spoke with a 'new' shadchan. I gave her my whole shpiel and she told me she had numerous ideas in mind and would be in touch. She was in touch with me the next day, as promised (shock, I know) and told me the guy would pick me up that night. So I waited, and waited and waited. When I didn't hear back, I called to ask what was going on. She assured me that everything was ok, he was stuck at work and she would get back to me and it would probably be later in the evening. I firmly told her to get back to me either way-even if he couldn't take me out-but she should just get back to me with a yes, no, or time. and then I waited and waited some more. No call, no text, no email-NADA.
I felt pathetic, sitting there waiting, without even knowing anything about the supposed guy coming to take me out. In the end, I feel asleep waiting and eventually, got into my pjs and went to bed, with my cellphone.
Sure enough-the next day, no call or text. I checked my phone every 10 minutes, but nothing. I figured I was sooo upset, but you never know what happened and give the benefit of the doubt. But not even a shameless text message apologizing.
Sure enough, a few days later, she left some kind of indirect message, when a friend of mine (who I gave her number to) called her and mentioned that she knows this shadchan was trying to set me up. The excuse she gave? She couldn't get hold of me. My friend, pushy as she is, gave her my cell number again and begged her to call me as maybe she had the wrong number. She promised she would....and here I am....still waiting....
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Excuse the title y'all. It's just I'm a bit disturbed. I was just at a community gala thing where there were literally hundreds of frum people altogether in one room for a good cause. Even though it was a frum crowd, parts of the event were mixed, e.g. smorgasbord-everyone walked around the room with plates, the entrance lobby & hallways, etc. I couldn't help but notice the 'mixing' going on.
Yes, I've been to weddings and see all the guys/girls and couples chatting in the hall, but this was somewhat totally different.
You see, at the smorg, for example, the guys were clearly eyeing the women up and down, it was almost vulgar to watch. The women, half of whom were dressed soooo disgusting, almost sluttyish were prancing around with plates, almost as if they enjoyed the attention. The chassidim didn't seem to notice-they were either busy piling food on their plates, or they were the 'tuna beigels' (for those who don't know, 'tuna beigel' is the term referred to chassidish guys who went 'off') with wives who were already dressed so 'dirty' for lack of a better word that the whole scene was disturbing.
A girl I was with commented and asked me if the women who were dressed so slutty knew, or they just though they looked really good. C'mon, when you grow up like we did, you know when a skirt is way too short, and way too tight, not to mention it doesn't matter that their elbows might've been covered as their necklines were open enough to sneak preview some of their cleavage and the slits up to their butt didn't really make the fact that their knees might've been covered, being 'tznius' skirts.
Let's get to another point-the way these grown adults were acting. I know some of them and I didn't know a lot, but to the point where we couldn't figure out who was married, who was single, who was a couple, who was flirting and literally what the heck was going on. The woman next to me wore a sheitel with a mini mini leather skirt-she fed a guy who passed by off a toothpick, hand on chin. How much more awkward would that get (us standing in her way with nowhere to pass and nowhere to look). Another woman was basically flirting with a guy and almost half on his lap by the time we got to dessert.
The men ogling the women was seriously nauseating, but I couldn't help but notice the women, dressed as they were, sorta 'asked' for it.
All these 'tools' were hanging out there, which made the whole gala event feel like the entire evening should've been rated 18+. I felt really uncomfortable and extremely disturbed. It was as if, everything we learned, everything about being tznius, proper, refined, Middos and how to act, had been erased for this one evening and no rules were being followed. Yet, no one showed outright disapproval-everyone just 'ignored' what was going on.
I'm a Bais Yaakov girl and whilst I consider myself 'out there' and worldly, read chiclits, watch romcoms, etc. this is something I've never experienced and never want to again.
What is happening in this world!??!