Sunday, November 3, 2013

Tools without Rules

Excuse the title y'all. It's just I'm a bit disturbed. I was just at a community gala thing where there were literally hundreds of frum people altogether in one room for a good cause. Even though it was a frum crowd, parts of the event were mixed, e.g. smorgasbord-everyone walked around the room with plates, the entrance lobby & hallways, etc. I couldn't help but notice the 'mixing' going on. 
Yes, I've been to weddings and see all the guys/girls and couples chatting in the hall, but this was somewhat totally different.
You see, at the smorg, for example, the guys were clearly eyeing the women up and down, it was almost vulgar to watch. The women, half of whom were dressed soooo disgusting, almost sluttyish were prancing around with plates, almost as if they enjoyed the attention. The chassidim didn't seem to notice-they were either busy piling food on their plates, or they were the 'tuna beigels' (for those who don't know, 'tuna beigel' is the term referred to chassidish guys who went 'off') with wives who were already dressed so 'dirty' for lack of a better word that the whole scene was disturbing.
A girl I was with commented and asked me if the women who were dressed so slutty knew, or they just though they looked really good. C'mon, when you grow up like we did, you know when a skirt is way too short, and way too tight, not to mention it doesn't matter that their elbows might've been covered as their necklines were open enough to sneak preview some of their cleavage and the slits up to their butt didn't really make the fact that their knees might've been covered, being 'tznius' skirts.
Let's get to another point-the way these grown adults were acting. I know some of them and I didn't know a lot, but to the point where we couldn't figure out who was married, who was single, who was a couple, who was flirting and literally what the heck was going on. The woman next to me wore a sheitel with a mini mini leather skirt-she fed a guy who passed by off a toothpick, hand on chin. How much more awkward would that get (us standing in her way with nowhere to pass and nowhere to look). Another woman was basically flirting with a guy and almost half on his lap by the time we got to dessert.
The men ogling the women was seriously nauseating, but I couldn't help but notice the women, dressed as they were, sorta 'asked' for it.
All these 'tools' were hanging out there, which made the whole gala event feel like the entire evening should've been rated 18+. I felt really uncomfortable and extremely disturbed. It was as if, everything we learned, everything about being tznius, proper, refined, Middos and how to act, had been erased for this one evening and no rules were being followed. Yet, no one showed outright disapproval-everyone just 'ignored' what was going on.
I'm a Bais Yaakov girl and whilst I consider myself 'out there' and worldly, read chiclits, watch romcoms, etc. this is something I've never experienced and never want to again.
What is happening in this world!??!


  1. Oy. About a year ago I had to attend a Bar Mitzva made by a "modern orthodox" family (I was working for the families business at the time). I had a very similar experience. I was there with a non jewish co worker who was dressed more appropriately that 3/4 of the women there. She was all confused as to why there was no mechitza and mixed dancing. What was pathetic was that in the middle, they got a call that the wife's grandfather was on his way, and suddenly they pulled out a mechitza, so that he wouldnt have to see what was going on...

    All in all, we are pretty much screwed. Most people have accepted that sort of behavior as just ok / where we are holding today. Good girls no longer feel it a problem to wear skirts that are "just" above the knees. It is excused because "everyone does it" or "they have a beautiful neshama". (Side issue: it is something that has given me a hard time when dating, as I dont date those girls, and have turned down girls after one date for a skirt slightly too short, even if everything else is "good". Friends of mine are having the same issue. Talk about exasperating the "shidduch crises").

    Part of the issue is that everyone has become way too into being tolerant and accepting. While they are beautiful traits, people also have to realize that being accepting of a person does not mean you have to accept their behavior, and definitely dont have to accept their standards as your own. In the effort to be open and tolerant, everyone has given up the things they used to hold dear and important, leaving us where we are today: screwed.

  2. I love this post, it is so non-judgmental.