Monday, November 18, 2013

When Guys give a "False" Yes

The last few guys who were suggested to me, I was told, were interested in going out with me, hence I received their information forwarded so I can look into them. (spoiler alert for newbie shidduch peeps-guys usually get to say 'yes' or 'no' to a girl first, as they sorta get first dibs, and that way if they say 'no' the girls feelings don't get hurt....or so they say). For each of the guys I looked into, called around, asked references, etc. there was nothing 'pulling' about them. No, I'm not picky, it's just that there wasn't one specific thing, if not more, that made them sound appealing, interesting, etc. Not that this would hold me back. The way I work-if the guy is interested and his info checks out and all sounds legit, then we go out and take it from the date onwards.
The first guy, I havta admit sounded really nerdy. I literally got bored reading his resume-it was as if I was forced to read an autobiography back in school. The second, provided a photo that, well, to be kind, made him look sorta goofy (and no, it wasn't some cute pose, or Facebook profile pic-it was just his face), and the third, well, some of the info provided sounded a bit too iffy. I wasn't sure what to do, honestly, as each of these guys gave a 'yes' but they also EACH said, they wouldn't travel to date me and that gave the 'don't make her come to NY just for me, BUT next time she plans on coming in, I would go out with her' line. 
Guys-I feel that whenever someone says that, it means they're not that interested and make no effort. In my experience-if a guy is interested-he makes a move. OK, not everyone can travel, for various reasons. But the 'don't come in just for me' also sounds very noncommittal. I've been to NY for 2 hours in total for dates and I've been there for 12 hours for 1 bad date and sometimes days at a time. Yes, traveling is a pain in the butt, yes we have to do it, but as a single, we make an effort. I know that's part of my hishtadlus, no matter how long the trip (and it's a looooong trip) and how short my stay (like I said, I once drove in for a 2 hour date and then drove back). The I found out, that one guy really doesn't date out-of-towners, the other, apparently, doesn't date girls the same age as him (which we were) and the third doesn't travel at all-no matter how far/close or how serious the relationship. 
So, here's my advice to the guys out there. If you're really NOT interested in a girl and don't think you can be persuaded by a date, or by seeing her even once, twice or three times-please don't bother making the girl come in. It's just a waste of your time, her time, and a big disappointment for us girls who have to take off from our jobs, our school, find replacements, pay lots money & spend lots of time traveling, not to mention physical energy, exhaustion, nerves and then getting all dolled up when there was never a chance to begin with that you'd give the shidduch a try.
Rather man up and say no, than live under the pre tense that you're being a nice guy and convincing someone you would give it a try, even though you know it's a no-go.
Give a true no, rather than a false yes.


  1. I dont fully agree. When I first got into the game I was the good guy and flew to date. These days, you couldnt pay me to fly. I have a life. I thank god have a full time high paying job. I am not taking vacation days to wrack up piles of work on my desk. If someone wants to date me, she can fly here.

  2. Look at it like this: he's in NY. He's moderately interested in dating you, but why would he waste a day and a decent amount of money to go fly out for some girl he doesn't know from adam when there are literally hundreds of frum girls in NY to choose from who all on paper sound similar to you? Yeah, if you're in town he'd love to date you, but to fly out? It suddenly doesn't sound as appealing. Imagine if you heard NY pizza was the best, sure you'd love to have it, but you're fine with the pizza stores near you. If someone brings you NY pizza though, then yeah, you'll take it.

  3. Mo & FG-you guys missed the point, which was boys giving a FALSE "yes" to a girl. I've heard ALL the excuses from NY guys not wanting to travel and I sorta get your point (tho I don't agree with it entirely).
    Mo-as long as ur happy with your high paying job-why even bother dating girls then?
    FG-that's how dating works=you don't know 'adam', (as you say) about the guy/girl, yet you spend the $$ and time to date them to see if it's worth pursuing. AND r u seriously comparing girls to pizza?!?! shame...

    1. First off: Mo is a no-no. Mo reminds me of Mo Vaughn. Im Moshe. The name of the father of all prophets.

      Secondly: I actually really dont date that much for that very reason. Im happy. I see no reason o make myself crazy. Just this week I turned down a suggestion for a girl I happen to have had a "crush" on for a while. I simply felt that at this point in time, I A) dont really have the time and B) :most importantly I dont have the interest. The single life is great. I lead my own life with no inhibitions. (That is not to say I spend my nights at bars or anything like that. I am a good frum person and all, I just can spend my money and evenings doing my own thing).

      Can you explain why you dont agree?

  4. Mo: Well make up your mind, is it Moshe or Moishe...

    SOTS: I agree with you, that the false no shouldn't be given, but on the flip side, it mostly happens with that friend/relative who pesters you to go out, over and over, with this "Great person, who would be perfect for you" (who generally turns out to be the opposite of everything you could've ever wanted), and you tell them "Yes", to get them off your back, hoping the other side may say "No".