Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Outdated Info

There has come a time in every shidduch-aged-single's life when they realize that the information they were provided on a potential match is outdated.

This can happen either whilst phoning a reference who happens to mention that he hasn't been in touch with the potential in years, or when finding out the potential is a few years OLDER than mentioned age on the resume, or that he is no longer in that yeshiva/job.

It then becomes quite frustrating, tracking down the UPDATED info and finding people who currently know the individual and then contacting the shadchan to let them know the info is outdated.

Some people are smart enough to put a date on their resume. That sorta helps, especially when they don't write their birthday, you can just figure it out by the date on the resume.

In any case, each time I send out my resume, I try and do a once-over to make sure everything is up to date.

Oddly enough, I got slack from a shadchan this week, informing me that it was difficult for her to 'redd' me to some guys as the info she has on me is years old. This was surprising to me, as in fact I had met with her not even a year ago, in PERSON and she even took notes whilst I was there, in addition to my resume, and lastly-embarassingly enough, pulled out a camera, explaining that even though she didn't tell me in advance, since I was there anyway, she would need a visual to remember me by.

So, even when you do make the effort to ensure everything is up to date-I guess for some people, it'll still make no difference-they probably just add your updated info to the back of their binders, or bottom of their pile and keep referring back to the old papers....

Monday, June 27, 2011

What Works for Others.....

Recently, there's been a whole slew of Simchas amongst my friends, including weddings, babies, and, of course, engagements. I mean, there were so many in such a short period of time that I was literally running out of things to wear!

In any case, with the Simchas, always comes the comments. Mostly I just ignore, brush it off, grin-&-bear-it typa thing, but eventually, it gets to you.

Here's a recent comment that really, ummm, for use of a better word, ticked me off.

So, here's what happened that lead to this comment. A friend of mine got engaged. She's an older single, and like anyone who heard was sooo happy for her (of course!). She got engaged to a guy that was previously suggested to her. Sounds familiar? I've heard this numerous times.

The comment: 'you should really go back over the suggestions that were offered to you and try and 'revisit' them. See? She wasn't interested in him the first time round, but look-they got engaged!' Then she went on saying how we can't be picky and maybe if this single woulda said yes the first time round, she would've been having kids by now, etc.

Point is: who are we to judge? Obviously the timing wasn't bashert then. Obviously HASHEM is the one Who makes Shidduchim and Who has it all worked out-not random people who are just there to comment and point fingers.

My point is: Yay! She's engaged! I'm soooo happy for her! But what necessarily worked for her (going out with a guy who was suggested before and who she said 'no' to the first time round), doesn't always work for others.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

June: The Wedding Month

I love June. I do, it means, beginning of summer. beginning of sun. vacation. tans. swimming pools. long late night walks. festivals. flowers. beaches. weddings :)

Yes, this past week has B"H been a wedding-filled week and I've definitely been enjoying the dancing, the music, the BAR, etc.

I also had the privilege of attending a few sheva brachos, and at one of them, this guy spoke and he said something so true that I felt it would be appropriate to share it on this blog.

The guy who spoke got up and said 'In the beginning, when someone redds a Shidduch, everything sounds AMAZING, wonderful, 'the best',' as he describes it 'Eretz Zavas Chalav u'Dvash'. But then, he says 'after all the great, you decide to look into things, and you find out everything is NOT so hotsy totsy...There are some chesronos that people fail to mention, so you have to do your hishtadlus, you have to be like the miraglim, the spies, and investigate the truths and the not-so-pleasants.'

I havta say, I was very satisfied with his speech, it was true, it was humorous and while it wasn't the 'uplifting' kind, I definitely nodded my head in agreement more than once.

Yes, all Shidduchim sound great, but it is our job (I used to think it was the Shadchan's job-but I guess times have changed) to do our investigation and find out if everything is indeed 'zavas chalav udvash' or not.

Hoping all of you find your TRUE chalav dvash!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The 'little things' People Leave Out...

You know how people say 'it's the small things in life'?
Well, I go by that motto. Small things make me happy. A perfectly sunny day with a light cool breeze, an ice mocchaccino, a night out with my friends, holding a cute baby, etc.
But, it's all the small things, as in 'details' that people like to nitpick. i.e. I'm always at a wedding when I overhear 2 women at the bar discussing the quality of the tablecloths, the way food is prepared at a shmorgasboard, where someone got their shoes from, what shade of color the cloth napkins are, etc.
AND, it is also the little things, as in bits of information that people tend with withhold, when they get called to give info on girls/guys. Which is how I came to this post. The other day I was 'redd' a shidduch by a lady who I never met, but she claims to know me and has seen me at a few weddings. In any case, she sends me the guy's info which is so basic, I would call it NATIVE. So, of course, I try to find someone who I know that knows the guy, which isn't always possible, but this time we managed. I call the woman and she starts telling me about the family, and little bits of info which was deliberately omitted by this shadchan lady.
There is a health problem in the family, there is a parnassa issue, no one really knows if the boy learns or works and if he does work what he does, etc.
When I first spoke to the shadchan, I asked her some of my questions and she was very wishwashy and contradicted herself numerous times. I thought it was annoying-yet-sadly-funny, but I figured it would all be downpat in his 'resume'. It wasn't. Now I feel even more reluctant to even touch it. Some of the issues that were mentioned are pretty big issues for me and the fact that she left it out or 'forgot' to inform me (benefit of the doubt) really bothers me.
So, when everyone tells me to cut down my resume and not put so much info, I always say 'rather too much than too little', atleast it gives people a bit of a picture of who I am and where I am coming from.
Is there a reason why people leave out the 'little things', or do they just happen to forget?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Response to 'Secret Dater'

Blob of Something Different posted recently about a story of a girl who went on her first date and her family decided to keep it secret, even from her own siblings, when it all went wrong and the sibs walked in on her date in her own home.
I have my own take on this situation-well, not specifically this actual situation she describes, but something similar.

My cousin whose family lives upstairs from mine, was going out. She's in her early twenties and while I assumed she had already begun dating, I have never really asked her directly. She is not a 'sharing' type and I was in no rush to 'really know' if she was dating or not. It was a nice spring day, clear blue sky and the perfect weather. I was fortunate enough to end work exactly at 5pm on the dot and catch the bus home. As I walked up the stairs, I noticed this nice new car slowly driving up infront of my house, with a guy staring. I turned around and just thought he was a weirdo and searched my purse for my keys. Whilst digging in my large fashionable bag (what's the point when you can NEVER find your keys?!) my neighbor and her 7 kids were walking into their home, some kids crying, others playing outdoors, some school kids on bikes, etc. The street was really busy. I FINALLY get my keys and notice the guy park right outside my house and getting out his car all dressed up. I quickly run in and first thought is there is a collector coming, but he looks quite young and put together, as opposed to the usual nebech case people who come by.
Next thing I know, he rings my bell and when I go to the door, he asks if this is the ____'s residence (last name of my cousin). As I am about to tell him it's upstairs, my cousin, all flustered and red-faced, comes running out and quickly mumbles to him. They leave together and it takes them literally 5-10 minutes while they get into the car, get the car started, and actually drive off. During those long few minutes, all the neighbors, families, kids, are standing by the car looking inside.
Yes, for me, it was a shock, but when it finally sunk in, I wanted to walk up to the window of the car and tell her-if you wanna keep it a secret, atleast MEET him somewhere else (abandoned parking lot?) or wait until it gets dark! not broad daylight, on a busy Jewish street, when kids are home from school, etc.
Lesson learned from dating-you can NEVER keep anything a secret. Someone is always bound to know you, the guy, or both, or happen to see you on a date, or hear somethin from someone somewhere. But I'm old enough to care less and know that this is the way of life. You gotta be a bit cautious and live with it if someone finds out.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Uhh...Hi, I'M the One in Shidduchim Here

So, this is NOT the first time this happened to me, but it infuriated me enough to post it on this blog.
The other day I came home and found a message on my machine from an 'unknown' woman who claimed to be a friend of a relative of a friend of ours. She left her name and number and said she had a shidduch idea.
Now, most of you know, I'm in my mid-twenties and I like to take care of shidduchim myself. I make the phonecalls, do the research and when need-be I know my parents are always here to help and I can ask them to make calls/do research for me, but I'm big enough to deal with this myself, after all, it is ME who is going to date the guy!
So, I do the proper thing: I call back the woman. I introduce myself and tell her that I received the message on our machine and thank her for having me in mind. She, on the other hand was quite abrupt and cold, informing me that she doesn't need to speak with me, nor will she leave any message, but she would like to speak directly with my mom. I explained to her that my mom was out of town for a Simcha and wouldn't be back for the next week, so it might be easier and quicker to relay a message or just speak to me directly. However, I was treated like a 5 year old when she said 'it can wait until she comes back-I would like to speak directly to your mother myself'
Was I hurt? yes
Was I insulted? DEFINITELY
Was I annoyed? Heck! I AM STILL annoyed.
I wanted to yell into the phone and tell the woman that even by speaking to my mom-it would come to me directly-my mom would either tell me the situation or ask if I would go out with 'such-and-such' and I make the final call, as I will date the guy and then I will decide if I further want to date him and such.
Sheesh peoples! Why can't you just go and speak directly TO the source?! Less mis-communications, less problems, less people to go through!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

What do Marrieds Do?

Recently I was speaking to a friend of mine who got married this past year.

As most of married friend's go, the phonecalls dwindle down from 2 calls a day when they're single, to a few times a week or once a week when they're engaged, to once a month after they're married for first 3 months to once everytime they actually remember.

So this married friend called me and we chatted like good old times=forever, and she threw into the conversation how she is so busy these days. I joked with her about it, y'know taking care of someone else besides herself, new schedule to include cooking/cleaning, etc.

But seriously now-what do marrieds do that makes them sooo busy? too busy to even call a good friend once in a while!?