Sunday, June 12, 2011

Response to 'Secret Dater'

Blob of Something Different posted recently about a story of a girl who went on her first date and her family decided to keep it secret, even from her own siblings, when it all went wrong and the sibs walked in on her date in her own home.
I have my own take on this situation-well, not specifically this actual situation she describes, but something similar.

My cousin whose family lives upstairs from mine, was going out. She's in her early twenties and while I assumed she had already begun dating, I have never really asked her directly. She is not a 'sharing' type and I was in no rush to 'really know' if she was dating or not. It was a nice spring day, clear blue sky and the perfect weather. I was fortunate enough to end work exactly at 5pm on the dot and catch the bus home. As I walked up the stairs, I noticed this nice new car slowly driving up infront of my house, with a guy staring. I turned around and just thought he was a weirdo and searched my purse for my keys. Whilst digging in my large fashionable bag (what's the point when you can NEVER find your keys?!) my neighbor and her 7 kids were walking into their home, some kids crying, others playing outdoors, some school kids on bikes, etc. The street was really busy. I FINALLY get my keys and notice the guy park right outside my house and getting out his car all dressed up. I quickly run in and first thought is there is a collector coming, but he looks quite young and put together, as opposed to the usual nebech case people who come by.
Next thing I know, he rings my bell and when I go to the door, he asks if this is the ____'s residence (last name of my cousin). As I am about to tell him it's upstairs, my cousin, all flustered and red-faced, comes running out and quickly mumbles to him. They leave together and it takes them literally 5-10 minutes while they get into the car, get the car started, and actually drive off. During those long few minutes, all the neighbors, families, kids, are standing by the car looking inside.
Yes, for me, it was a shock, but when it finally sunk in, I wanted to walk up to the window of the car and tell her-if you wanna keep it a secret, atleast MEET him somewhere else (abandoned parking lot?) or wait until it gets dark! not broad daylight, on a busy Jewish street, when kids are home from school, etc.
Lesson learned from dating-you can NEVER keep anything a secret. Someone is always bound to know you, the guy, or both, or happen to see you on a date, or hear somethin from someone somewhere. But I'm old enough to care less and know that this is the way of life. You gotta be a bit cautious and live with it if someone finds out.


  1. What I don't get though is why is it such a big secret? There seems to be a hysteria that if other people know, then it's jinxed. Invariably when I go on a date with a guy to a restaurant I meet people I know there. One date left a sort of record of three meetups.

    When one has gone out more than a few times, the need for secrecy wears off. C'mon, I'm a certain age, obviously I'll be dating.

  2. Princess: I don't think people are worried about the date getting jinxed-I think (from an 'out of towner' perspective) that once they are actually SEEN on a date, people who SAW them ASSUME they are getting engaged-as they are out in public & were, hence, SEEN.
    I'm at the age that I really don't care. I mean, I like my privacy & enjoy spending time on a date with the guy and withOUT distractions (i.e. people gawking) but so be it if it happens. c'est la vie!

  3. I used to never understand the need for secrecy in dating either. Most of my really good friends never even told me they were dating and then, the next thing I know, they're engaged! Joy! At first, I was really insulted, but then I grew to realize, to each their own.

    I personally have been relatively open about my dating life, but now I'm coming to realize that there is something to be said about keeping it on the DL. According to my friends, it is to give it an extra bit of bracha. But just practically, it's easier not to tell the world because if it's a no-go, everyone's going to want to know what happened, and it can be really frustrating to have to tell everyone the whole story again and again. (Believe me, I know).

    Here though, if you're living in the same house with someone and dating from said house, it's just easier to tell each other, in my opinion, just to avoid situations like these. But again, to each his own.