Monday, August 31, 2009

Just Say No!

I'm NOT referring to drugs here. Nor am I talkin about taking up smoking. I'm takin bout being honest, getting back to people and moving on.
Don't know what I mean? Lemme give it to ya plain and simple.
A Shadchan calls and tells you that someone is 'looking into you' and asks for some more references, info, etc. You give over all your 411 and are informed that the Shadchan will be in touch with you once she hears back from the 'other side', so that it will be your turn to do the background checks.
So one day passes by, then the next and slowly but surely (unless you're having the time of your life-hence the saying "time flies...") day 3 comes and goes.
Do you call the Shadchan? Does it sound desperate? If no one calls back, does that mean they got a "No" and you should just 'get the hint and move on?'
Don'tcha just hate being 'in limbo'? It's one of the worst feelings=not knowing. Not knowing if there was a "no", not knowing if maybe they're still running your license plates on their hacked research programs, not knowing if perhaps they were out of town for a week. Not knowing what to tell other people who call and ask 'are you busy',..... just not knowing.
And dear readers, I, SOS, have the solution and will be most honored to share it with all of you today. The key to avoiding this problem is simple: if you're not interested, simply CALL BACK and tell the shadchan 'No'. (ok, you can pepper it up with some kind adjectives and apologetic mannerisms). If you get the machine, leave a message, or call back to make sure that they GOT the message. But just get back EITHER way with an answer. Don't leave people hanging. No one enjoys being left in the lurch.
Trust me, I'd rather get a straightout "no", then wait around for a few days wondering...


  1. So true, this does happen often enough to be a problem. I like your solution, call the shadchun and tell them your not interested..

    and since I happen to be in this exact situation... I am going to go try this and see what happens. I'll tell ya how it goes!

  2. So, I got back to the shadchan.. since it was being handled via email I wrote back a reply and simply said.

    "Sorry, no interest."

    I got an immediate response of more information on the girl... with the bonus incentive of another girl... oh and she sent me the resume of the other girl..

    2 for the price of one, this shadchan doesn't get much more jewish.

    I haven't replied anything further.. weighing in my options.

  3. J: dude, what options?! either the girl sounds like what you're looking for and you give her a try or "no thanks, I'm not interested." Guys need to know that shidduchim isn't about playing the field, capische?!

  4. I didn't mean those types of options. If I treated shidduchim like that I'm no better then the crazy shaddchanim we hear about in crazy stories.

    The option I meant was if I should actually consider girls being redd to me by someone who I consider an inappropriate source.

    What is an inappropriate source?
    - How about a girl no older than 20 that's never met the girl or myself, doesn't live in the same city as either of us and has only heard of me through her sister-in-law (who i'm friends with). To top it off, the way she contacted me was through facebook demanding i send in my "shidduch resume" so she can forward it to the girl which she went to first.. oh I almost forgot to mention that she said the girl will only live in NY and not anywhere else (as if my opinion on this doesn't matter). (the follow up emails she sent me were poorly written, no grammer and spelling or proper punctuation's.. I'm no grammer Nazi but it does show a type of immaturity for someone not even trying).

    The picture that is being drawn for me is of a young immature girl (albeit trying to do the right thing and make people happy) who has no experience that is still very yuppy from her sem year in Israel trying to play the shadchun game. While yes she may be trying to do a good thing, that doesn't make it the right thing... setting two people up without the slightest forethought can lead to problems.

    A great shadchun once said (I think it was Esther Jungreis, but I can't recall exactly) "You should only set a couple up if your sure enough to put your own money down for the first date."

  5. hmmm, I hear ya, about being wary of the source of the shidduch, but with all due respect, Hashem could send you your "Bashert" in the strangest, non-reliable way if He feels like it. Then again, I do agree that to do your "hishtadlus" and avoid pointless dates, it'd probably be better for you to make sure your potential date have a base/basis from which to start off...Hatzlocho!

  6. In the "normal" dating world, there is often no logical "no." Dating is not a logical business.

    If a guy is not interested,it is very common to simply ignore till you get the message.

  7. What You See Is What You GetOctober 6, 2009 at 1:20 PM

    Just because that is what is done by guys, doesn't mean that it is the correct thing to do. I agree,the area of shidduchim is an illogical and emotional place to be. However, regardless of how someone feels or doesn't feel, there is no reason for that someone to lose their sense of common courtesy. A true mentsch is aware of manners, and can think about someone else aside from themselves. I wonder how many girls in a similar situation would ignore a guy "till you get the message", as you put it so eloquently?

  8. I understand completely what you're saying. I used to say, people are supposed to act this way, that way, its not fair, its not decent, correct. Sure, its not "correct", but life is not always fair, and people don't always care to act "correctly", especially guys.

    For example, guys are known for being bad at breaking up : instead of explaining themselves, they may just ignore their girlfriend or do something to annoy/aggravate her. Is it right? No. Is it done? Yes.

  9. Oh! When i said "ignore till you get the message" I was meaning "you" as in "general you", as in "general girls".