Saturday, August 18, 2012

When Guys were First...

Remember back in the day when guys used to be the first stop? When Shadchanim would call the boy first to ask if he is interested in the girl? When guys got all the info first and us girls would sit along and wait for days, weeks, sometimes months for an answer from a guy? Well, I definitely do. I remember even telling Shadchanim to ask the guy first as there was no point doing all the 'research' and phoning references if the guy wasn't even remotely interested-it was a waste of time and energy.
I don't know what changed or when it changed, but lately I've been getting calls asking if I would be interested in a guy and only then would they send me info and tell me 'so check into it and see if you're interested and if so, we will send the guy your info'. To be honest, I don't really like it this way, perhaps because I got so used to waiting for the guy first, or perhaps because of the last few times I actually did make the calls and when I decided to go ahead, I was still waiting for an answer weeks later, when eventually I got the guts to get in touch with the shadchan who shied away and basically told me the guy wasn't looking for someone like me. In a way, as much as I don't like to admit it-guys have the upper hand in this Shidduch game. So I don't get why lately, people have been asking me first to check into the guy. I rather it go back to way things used to go. Unless it's because guys became sensitive suddenly and get insulted if a girl says no? 


  1. Remember back in the day when guys used to be able to approach girls directly, without shadchanim?

    Contrary to what many "Frum" people believe, this is not a sin; shadchanim did not become popular until around 800 years ago when The Crusades tore apart numerous Jewish communities.

  2. Wow, only 800 years ago? So recently?

    My opinion is that the shidduch system has been completely railroaded by those to whom it does not come naturally. Parents who met on their own are taking it on, but they don't get the hulach-heileich.

    And one of the basic rules of the shidduch system is to ask the boy first. It is known. And it was great.

    Now, everyone is terrified of the boys (for some odd reason) and call me up to ask me first. For that effort, couldn't you have called him? Or they say, "I have a boy in mind for you. Send me your info?" Then I hear nothing from them.

    As the next in line after quite a few generations who met via a third party, I am annoyed. The shidduch system has mutated into something unrecognizable, in more than one way.