Sunday, August 19, 2012

Whole New Meaning to "Neighborhood Watch"

Most small neighborhood have a neighborhood watch program, most of NY and other cities are more familiar with the Shomrim, but it's basically a smaller scale program where neighbors are on watch to ensure that the community is safe. 
I, dear readers, have my own neighborhood watch, or shall I correctly say 'neighbor-watch'. Each time I come home from a date, my neighbor, Mr. T, is standing outside his house. I don't really know what he does, mostly he's just staring into space, or spacing out, but be it 10pm, 11pm, or even 1:30am, there he is, as always, standing outside, whilst my date pulls up to my house and (sometimes) walks me up the stairs to my house. When I first noticed Mr. T, standing outside, it was years ago, when I was younger and still embarrassed to be seen on a date, but as time moved along, I started to wave, say hi, and show my date that this was my neighbor and be done with it.
This summer, we got new neighbors. Lucky for me, they LOVE being outdoors and are a nature-loving family. Seriously, anytime of day or night, either the entire family (and there's alot of them), or one of them is outside, on a bike, scooter, playing with chalk, ball, hopscotch or just sitting on the porch-they're outside. At this stage in my life, I don't care and know that I cannot change the fact that any time on a date I can be seen. Big deal. That's life, right? Even the biggest yentas have seen me and yes, there have been rumors of me getting engaged, but people can assume whatever they wish-it's out of my control. These new neighbors however, are 'friendly' people and feel the need to ask 20 questions each time I come home. If I'm with friends, they will ask who the friends are, what they do, etc. When I come to my house with bags, they ask where I went, what I got, even sometimes, to see the items I bought, etc. If I was outside waiting for a date (which did indeed happen) and was looking outside, I would get a compliment that I look so 'pretty' and then get asked where I was going, and then get the major staring carefully as the guy maneuvered his car outta the street. It's getting to a point where I feel claustrophobic coming to my own home. 
But then, it hit me. I had the PERFECT solution! These were just regular people trying to be friendly, but in desperate need of knowing when they have crossed the line. Obviously, I cannot 'pre-warn' each guy coming to my house about them, but there is something I can do, under my control that will hopefully make them stop asking, stop yenting, etc. Of course an anonymous internet connection would help, as well as tv, but they are too frum for that, so they get their entertainment from me-their neighbor. 
Here's the plan: I will go shopping, come back with a large bag from Victoria Secret. When my neigbor asks what I got, I will pull out the bag-if they don't turn green by then, I will give my best flirty look and say 'something lacy & a bit racy....wanna see?'
Hopefully by then, they will get the point to stop asking :)
Yes, you might think it's extreme, but then again, I don't want my dates to feel awkward coming in/outta my house or even sitting in the car outside. I havta defend my potential men, no matter what it takes.


  1. I love that idea -- Sheer brilliance!

  2. What a beautiful and happy world it would be, if all Jews would actually hold by the laws of Shmirat HaLashon all the time; nobody would have to worry about yentas spreading rumors about them.