Monday, August 13, 2012

When Casual gets Too Casual

I'm a Bais Yaakov girl. I consider myself tznius, but not as naїve as I used to be when I started dating.  As much as time has moved on, I've gotten older, and a bit wiser, I still feel that there should be a mutual respect when dating.
No, I'm not specifically referring to respect between the Shadchan and the parties involved. I'm actually referring to respect between the guy/girl involved.
You see, my thinking has sorta changed a bit. Whereas I used to be picky in certain areas, I'm not that picky any more. Where certain small things used to bother me, I've learned to now allow them to even be a nuisance. And where I never used to have the guts to speak my mind, I'm very comfortable doing so. In fact, recently, a friend of mine asked me to join her for dinner. I saw a small twinkle in her eye as she asked me, so I knew she didn't just mean dinner, and so I begged her to tell me what this was all about. She was going out with a guy who she recently met and he had a friend who happened to be available that night as well. Basically she was playing 'secret shadchan' with me. But, because she is such a close friend, I totally trust her and as much as I would've never agreed to such a blind date/double date before, I figured 'what the heck' and it was worth a try, right?
So we went out. It was my first double date. It was ok, a bit weird, but ok. The thing is, the guys were waaayy too casual. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I feel like a guy, especially when he is 'courting' you (so-to-speak) should be respectful, polite, well-mannered and treat me, well, like a lady. I don't care about the car door being opened for me (yes, it's respectful, but I'm perfectly capable and it is unnecessary), but in the way a guy acts, speaks, etc. it should be with dignity.
The date felt cheap. The talk was a little lower standard than I would expect. I'm not sure if it was because of the circumstance (a 'casual blind double date'), but even the way the guy spoke to me was degrading. No, he did not insult me, he wasn't very respectful, didn't offer to pay for anything, or help me with anything-NOT that I needed it, but it would be a nice suggestion, being that he is taking me out.... and that's when it hit me, too casual isn't too good. Yes, it's more comfortable, but a little too comfortable. Like when he starts talking about all the things he knows about girls, names my perfume, asks about my manicure, takes a phone call during the date, goes away for a few minutes to check his hair in the mirror, etc.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a man should be chivalrous. Or, if he has enough brains, atleast pretend to be chivalrous. When guys get too casual, things slowly slip away, you get to see the real deal. Hopefully, with a good guy, no matter how casual you are, the respect remains. But when it's all fake, and you get casual, you can tell when a couple talk to each other, how they treat each other, that it was just all fake to begin with.
So I toast my e-champagne glass to all chivalrous men out there! Especially the single ones ;)


  1. That's what I say: Is it so hard to PRETEND? You think, man, I like having to spend all that time on my makeup and hair and wear toe-pinching shoes? I'm pretending also! Is it so hard for you too a little?

    I don't think his personality was drekish because of the double-date thing. That's just who he is. None of us want to behave all the time. But we do, because that's what BEHAVING means. If a person makes a point to be polite and respectful all the time, rarely it is because he is naturally like that. It's just that he has enough discipline to act right. And no amount of "casual" will change that.

  2. I've seen this. When guys are with old friends, they turn into completely different people than they would be if they were on a date with just a girl.

  3. "Where certain small things used to bother me, I've learned to not allow them to even be a nuisance."

    Nice progress!