Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Communication is Key

OK peoples-you heard it from me first: I admit that I'm not the very best communicator. Of course, I'm funny, I have a sense of humor and whilst not the loudest or quietest, when it comes to expressing my true feelings, I find it hard. Obviously, for me, writing is the best form of communication. Don't you agree that it is so easy to put your inner most feelings into text/email/blog as opposed to saying it straight out?
Well, over my years of dating, I've come to the realization that communication is definitely a major part of a relationship. Be it family, friends, future husband, etc. No one can guess how you feel and what you think unless you express it to them.
Lately, I've been trying hard to work on my communication, which means I have to be more open about myself, which means, in terms of dates-that I make myself more 'vulnerable', or atleast that's how I feel, when I express my deepest feelings. It's not easy, let me tell you and it takes aLOT of effort and getting used to, but  I'm told it's easier as time goes on and why wait until I'm married, I might as well begin being open about my feelings NOW.

Here's the perfect example: About 5 years ago, I went out with this guy. He was nice, friendly, sense-of-humor was ok and he was 'with it'. We kept dating because 'there was nothing wrong' so why not. At that point I was still at the 'naive' stage of dating (which is why I just kept going out). I was very open to him from the beginning that I was taking things slowly. He agreed and the dates were 'ok', but just 'ok'. We went out for about a month, and because we were both out of towners, each week we went out either 2 or 3 times and most dates were not longer than 3-4 hours each. Sometimes it was even a really quick lunch for 1 hour. In any case, the last time we went out, he was coming to town and the Shadchan called to tell me he was ready to propose. I must admit, I was shocked by this and explained to the Shadchan that I think there was some kind of misunderstanding as we were very open but didn't really discuss anything serious yet and he would've said something if his intention was to propose to me at that point. In any case, we went out and I told him what the Shadchan told me and laughed it off saying, he would've told me if this was his intention, etc. and he agreed that she misunderstood. About 10 minutes later, the guy's cellphone rang and he picked it up. The volume was loud and I was able to hear the conversation. It was his mother and she was asking him when the family could come in for the l'Chaim. When I heard that I panicked and was confused. Here, the guy told me straight that it was NOT his intention-even after I explicitly asked him, yet, the Shadchan and now his own mother were stating that it WAS indeed his intention. Needless to say, I sorta 'shut down' and was not as talkative, nor was myself for the rest of that date and the date afterwards. I was bothered by the lack of communication, or shall  I say lie by this guy who thought he was marrying me, when we never really got serious and I didn't feel 'close' to him yet, to even think that. In any case, that weekend was terrible dating, I tried to be my happy, outgoing self, but found it hard, knowing that was on my mind. I felt claustrophobic during the dates and he was 'hovering' every chance he had, with either our dates, or phone calls, etc. In the end, he tried to propose, even after he told me he had no plans do, and luckily for me-it totally botched, so even though I sorta figured it out, I never really had to. It was a terrible date-knowing he lied, and this was about both of us and our future lives, yet I was left in the dark, and even when bringing up the subject, was told it was bogus! He intended all along to propose. I was furious. We took some time apart, but even that didn't last and we broke it off. 
Perhaps the only lesson I can think of, after this happened was my 'shut down' after overhearing his conversation and intentions. I probably should've REconfronted him, but I felt like it was an invasion of privacy (overhearing his call) and embarrassed to express myself. He probably thought my shutting down was nerves or whatever. 
Lesson learned-communicate openly from the beginning, middle, to the end and more! Avoid future problems at all costs :)


  1. the blog moderator said:

    "Don't you agree that it is so easy to put your inner most feelings into text/email/blog as opposed to saying it straight out?"

    Yes, I agree.

  2. I know it must have been emotionally wrenching, but the story about his mom's phone call is hilarious.