Monday, September 14, 2009

The Rights to Remain....Picky?

The same question keeps popping up in my head-almost like the little lightbulb that you see in cartoons, and that question is: "do singles have the right to be picky?" and here's a little anecdote to explain what I mean.
A few months ago I got a call from a Shadchan. I don't even think I've ever heard of her before. Apparently, she's friends with another shadchan who participated in this shidduch group thing and she got my know the drill....So she starts explaining how she has this A-M-A-Z-I-N-G guy and out comes 'the Shidduch Book', volume 3, page 16. My mother scribbles down all information, including references and before we even commence our 'investigations' the Shadchan reassures my mom and says 'oh, and don't worry, the guy will travel to your city to go out with your daughter'.
I must say that when I heard this, I was impressed! Yes, he was an out-of-towner, BUT some guys from non-NewYorkness won't even offer to travel the first time round. Aside from that, this guy had a top and I mean TOP job in a HUGE company. So that was doubly impressive that he would offer to travel when he has such an important position. Of course, the fact that he had such an important position gave the Shadchan the excuse of 'well he doesn't just say yes to anyone' and 'if he says yes, girls don't even look into it, they JUMP at the chance to date a guy like him'.
So, I started with my own references, namely 'google', 'facebook', 'myspace', and 'onlysimchas' and sure enough this guy turns up on a few of them. I got to see a pic and everything. Only I wasn't sure if it was the guy that was redd to me because his name was a common Jewish name. Also, the guy in the pic was already engaged, with his arm around a girl, etc.
Then I began to worry. This Shadchan didn't know me from beans, what if she was 'redding' me to some non-shomer negiah guy? This wasn't for me. So I immediately called the shadchan and asked if the boy was engaged before she said sure. I told her about the pic and she reassured me that he is a real FRUM boy and that probably it was coincidence that someone with the same name was engaged and had a pic of himself hugging his girlfriend.
OK, there were a few more issues, but to get down to things, she assured me he was a great catch and I was like heck-let him come down and let's go out. Next thing I know the guy calls me and we're chatting away. He very smoothely mentions that he has no plans of coming to my city at all!!
umm, after picking my chin off the floor and catching my breathe from the shock, he asked me if i had any plans of going to his city, to which I replied not in th next 2 months. Great, this was getting NOWHERE and I was getting annoyed. Then he told me he had a meeting in NY in 2 days and asked if I had plans to go to NY, and no i did not. But I DID remember that a friend of mine was driving to NY for the day-in 2 days, so I told him perhaps i could hitch a ride and we could meet.
So, last minute=the day after I spoke, the day before we officially went out-i called my friend and we left early the next morning. I meet the guy at some sketch place and off we go.
So, recap, this guy is AMAZING, has an awesome job, all girls JUMP @ the opportunity to go out with him.
My POV (point of view), he's a tall boy, nicely dressed. Not very talkative at all. In fact, it's HURTING me for the next hour, how I keep asking questions and getting 1 word answers. He frequently checks his iphone on our date=rude (no matter HOW busy u are! unless there is an emergency, in which case you kindly explain the situation), and to add to my dismay=he has spittle.
yes, ladies and gentleman, learned a new word that day. I never even knew that such a word existed, but all i can say is it is quite distracting when someone is talking to you and all you see is drool, and spit collecting in the corners of their mouth and in your head ur screaming SWALLOW, SWALLOW but outside you just smile, pretend to listen and not be disgusted.
Oh, but wait that's not the worst. The worst is that the guy kept shaking/shivering. I don't know if he was sick, or a nervous twitch or what, but it kinda frieked me out a bit.
So, here's where my question comes into play. Do singles get to be picky?
Just because your a 'guy in demand' and you have the looks, the job, the position, etc. does that mean you get to be picky and say you want a gorgeous, model of a girl, with lotsa money, etc?
I'm not in any way saying this guy was picky. I'm just asking if people who know they have the goods-or atleast have ONE GOOD, or somethin get to be choosy?


  1. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. You have a right to respect yourself and therefore, if something feels wrong or forced, you can stand up for yourself.
    Wishin' you luck with future dates (well, I hope the next guy is the right one) and he should treat you with the respect that you deserve.

  2. Oh mammeleh, don't all guys come with an "A-M-A-Z-I-N-G" tagline, whether deserved or not?

    I thought being choosy meant saying no without going out. I'm not exactly sure what your question is, as plenty of people claim rights to pickiness without major redeeming qualities. Is pickiness the right word? If you know something is off with a suggestion, is saying no being picky? Or discerning?

  3. I think you just described some of the major symptoms of Rabies, you aught to do the right thing and let him know to visit a doctor.


    and to answer your question... yes and no... he gets to be picky about some things and not others.. each is a case by case issue dependent totally on the guy and the attributes. Same for girls.

  4. What You See Is What You GetSeptember 15, 2009 at 9:18 PM

    I don't think I would call that being picky or anywhere close to that. Wouldn't picky have been if you had said no right off the bat without seeing him? I think, that in regard to singles in the shidduch world today, picky is a word that is thrown around too often (don't you agree?). You say no which in some people's minds automatically=picky even if you had a totally valid reason (in your case, health issues for one, RUDENESS for another, and lack of personality click being a third, i'm sure there were other factors...) Don't you just love it when people tell you that you're picky though? They may not say it straight out, they may even be intelligent enough to use other words such as selective, particular, and one of my favorites is CHOOSY-seriously where do people get their vocab?!? In any case don't ya know this already Boys=AMAZING girls= take what you can get, at least thats what the shadchanim say not that its right or even normal. So you should you feel bad? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Every person involved in shidduchim needs to look out for themselves. But I have a better quesion for you, is someone considered picky if they limit themselves as in "I only want a tall, thin, beautiful girl/ boy" or "I only want a local (NY) no out of towners" or "She has to be more tha 5"4" etc.
    Is limiting oneself in superficial areas considered picky?

  5. Well duh... limiting yourself especially in superficial areas is picky.. but you can also be picky on non-superficial area's... then again by being picky on any topic you could then turn it into something superficial.. I'll provide an example from my own life.

    Took a girl out, everything was fine and dandy until the 4th or 5th date where we talked about Torah learning.. I'm a working guy and I can't learn as much as I would like to.. (albeit at the time i was learning everyday for an hour and a half).. So we're shmoozing and i mention my minimum amount of learning per week would be 1 hour... any less than that and I would not feel satisfied. I'm sure there will be times when I don't get a chance to learn all week, and that's life, no biggy. I just think a minimum of one hour a week is a nice goal that is very do-able to set for oneself especially if your a working guy. Anyhow the girl disagreed she claimed her future spouse will minimally learn twice a week and nothing less(she wouldn’t settle with a guy who learnt less than)… and of course knowing all to well that this was the gong that chimed the end of the developing relationship I felt compelled to humor myself and inquire if that meant something like 1 hour today and 1 tomorrow, or if busy could he just pile it all in 2 hours today and none tomorrow for his weekly quota.. Or could he cut corners and just do 15 minutes today and 15 minutes tomorrow.. I think that’s twice right?!… that aught to fill the quota of twice a week.

    Well that was the last date with that girl…

    So yeah torah learning brought down to a superficial level.. it was a damn shame it didn't work out... she was hot.