Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Perhaps this is the answer?

So in response to my previous post, which by the way, I apologize for going off topic there, but when I speak about my frustrating dating experiences, I really DO get carried away, I think I may have found some kinda answer to my question as to being picky.
I was running a few errands during my lunch hour and I met a family friend. He too, has a daughter in Shidduchim who is a few years younger than me. So we get talking about 'stuff', which basically, somehow ALWAYS ends up with 'shidduchim' and how things are going and how its getting harder and harder. Now, his daughter is good friends with me and I always ask about her (don't get to see her as often as I would like). When I asked how its going for her, he told me the following. "I recognize that my daughter is not skinny-she's on the heavier side and therefore its a problem for us. I am willing to take a boy with a 'problem' even, but just getting an answer back from someone is difficult."
Now, I must admit, yes, this girl is heavy, but she is extremely smart, great personality, outgoing and pretty. So when the father say this, I felt a little bit let down. Then again, most boys want girls who are size -2, tall, blond, skinny, pretty models. So perhaps this was his way of being realistic? But my poor friend, imagine if she knew her parents were willing to 'settle' for something much less her worth just because of a few extra pounds!?!
I must say, I didn't know where to put myself and just told her dad that she is an amazing girl, a true friend, her honesty is refreshing, her cheerful personality is wonderful and she is just brilliant! He agreed but I could see he was pained as well.
Think he has a point, or is he selling his own daughter short?


  1. I think it's unjust to state that most guys want "size -2, tall, blond, skinny, pretty models." Sure, maybe in some fantasy land, but girls of all shapes, sizes, heights, hair color, whether pretty or not, marry (take a look at the OnlySimchas galleries).

    But also keep in mind that with the self inflicted hysteria of the so-called "shidduch crisis" (what a load of---I'll remain polite) that many parents unnecessarily assume the worst.

    All you need is one big-mouthed shadchan to reduce your hopes. I mean, the Big Shadchan in the sky is taking care of it, right? Either you tell yourself that, or you say, "You know what, G-d? I'll handle this. I know better." That's when we have problems.

    And a note to J . . . at least PRETEND you are attracted to middos. Cause when you say "hot" I wanna barf.

  2. Data-ur right, it IS unjust to say 'size 2, etc.' however, in reality let's face it-this IS what guys want. Yes, girls and guys of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds DO get married, so there are SOME people who dont care, but ask most guys or their moms-these are real questions they ask about the girls!
    (reality-no one will straight out say fat, they will use other words e.g. broad, big, heavyish..)
    I have a friend who answers these questions very wisely. When a boy or his mom ask the question 'what size is she', they simply answer 'you mean right now, or 9 months after the wedding when they are swelling out of their shoes, can't fit into their clothes, etc. or after the baby when they are trying to lose the pregnancy weight they gained?'
    and gitto your note to J (stereotypical of guys-i doubt he was referring to a large-sized woman when he used the word 'hot')

  3. Ah yes, the poetry of baby-weight. Who will recover? Who will be morphed for life? (In the spirit of Rosh HaShana).

    I'm not sure why people think that guys persuing a specific ideal of beauty is new. That's how everyone married once upon a time, especially when conversation before marriage is a pretty new concept(a century old?).

    That why halacha dictates that a man purchase cosmetics and clothing to ensure his daughter's marriage.

    I have no issue if a guy wants a pretty wife --- just that he shouldn't be so obvious about it. Because plenty of times, in the end, it'll be the personality that'll win him over, and what he didn't consider attractive will have a new appeal.

  4. Ouch, you guys are snippy with me today.

    The comedy of my statement was certainly lost. Comedy is full of opposites and contradictions.

    Revisiting my statement; "So yeah torah learning brought down to a superficial level.. it was a damn shame it didn't work out... she was hot.".

    I was the one that ended the relationship. The girl made torah learning (something beautiful) and qualitative into something measurable and superficial. The contrast or opposite here would be person looking good on the outside, but bad looking on the inside.

    While she WAS a good looking girl, I chose the term 'hot' as opposed to beautiful. Hot is a superficial term (notice the sarcasm in my statement now??), 'Beautiful' is word that is used when you want to be sincere and honest (you certainly don't use hot when you are trying to come off as sincere), it is a quality word that you try not to over use or throw around too often. I have met several beautiful girls over time that are certainly not the thinnest but certainly were not over weight either, while some may call them hot, I classify them as beautiful because they certainly had refined personalities which easily make their physical self even more attractive then it already was. Simply put --hot girls are generally superficially good looking, while beautiful girls are more profound, the beauty always starts within.

    It goes without saying that even someone who doesn't have the best looks can make themselves way more attractive by becoming beautiful within.

  5. Sniff. That was so touching. (and didn't I say that? Your last point, I mean).

    But using a term like "hot" still connotes attraction. And it's a gross term, in my opinion.

    But not everyone has your dictionary. A Hispanic laborer called me "Beautiful" this morning. Still gave me the creeps.