Thursday, May 31, 2012

Why do I feel bad saying NO?

Lately, I've had some really awful Shidduch suggestions, and when I say awful, I mean like totally 'nisht' as my chassidish friends would say (no! I'm not chassidish). The guys being 'redd' were sooooo 'off' that it didn't even make sense to be suggested in the first place, but then again=people just don't think, they just see a single girl, they hear about a single guy and BAM-in their head it's a great shidduch, because 'why not try'. But I guess in the mind of the people making the suggestion, they think they are helping. 'why not try' is not a reason to go out. 'you can't lose' is not a reason either. I can provide loads of so-called reasons, but why bother, as they are each more ridiculous than the next.
So, lemme get back to my week of awful suggestions. There was the guy who recently divorced with kids (not what I am looking for), then there was the 40 year old (hello? I'm in my twenties!), then there was a sefardi-chabadnik (no offense to either chabad or sefardi-some of them are my besties), and I'm looking for a Heimishe Ashkenaz like myself. There was also the 'chassidish bum' guy (again-not for me) and the guy who had a history of drinking & drugs (again, not what I'm looking for) and the list goes on and on. 
So, obviously when I get these suggestions, I just get a name, if I'm lucky I get the age, and if I'm luckier I get a bit more  information. Actually, to give credit where credit is due, I did indeed receive some resumes for the above mentioned guys, but it's not like their information is gonna say 'has a history of drug addiction, off-the-derech, is abusive, etc. So each time a name is suggested, I do my utmost to make sure that before I say 'no', I have correct information. How do I do that? By research of course. And hopefully if I get atleast 3 people saying the same kinda things about the guy, and I find from my own 'background' check that it all matches then I call the Shadchan back and politely decline the match, whilst thanking them for their time.
Why, tho, do I always havta feel guilty saying no? I don't mean the fact that I'm turning the Shidduch suggestion down, I mean why do I havta feel bad actually telling the Shadchan 'no'?
I guess it's mostly because the Shadchan or person whose idea the shidduch was makes us feel guilty for saying no. This week alone, when I had to decline the matches, EVERY shadchan asked me why I was saying 'no'. Not that it's there business, BUT, without saying anything bad about the boy (just because it's not what I'm looking for, doesn't automatically mean the guy is BAD=as opposed to what shadchanim think), I explain that it's not what I'm looking for, etc. And almost every time, they push, and push, and push for reasons why, and give you so-called reasons to reconsider your position, and then get all insulted and upset for having put 'effort' into trying to make the Shidduch, so by the time you hang up, and even though you kept your cool throughout the conversation and you know for a fact that it's not for you, you still have a major guilt trip and feel all 'bad' each time you happen to speak/meet that person....
Am I the only one who feels bad when saying 'no'?


  1. The search for the heimishe yid. My parents keep telling me to let go of that fantasy, that they don't exist. Yet they are the only ones that "get" me.

    This past week a complete stranger calls up to suggest someone; supposedly my name is floating in a database somewhere. Just looking at the info my parents said it doesn't add up. I waited a few days pretending I was doing research then called her back, and she asked why. Oy, the why. "I don't think he's my speed," I hazarded. She accepted that.

    Hungarian equivalent? "Nem kell." (What is up with everyone thinking Hungarians = chassidim? Hungary, for the most part, wasn't remotely chassidish. Satmar was in Romania, not Hungary proper. Knowing Yiddish does not make one automatically chassidish! Yeesh.)

    Do I feel bad? Always. And it's not warranted. Because any of these women, when dealing with their own kids, would say "no" faster than I have. But I'm not allowed to, as it is obviously "good enough" for me.

  2. Princess-I feel like we would be BESTIES, cuz u have my EXACT mentality. Nem Kell-hahaha. People also freak out when you say you want 'similar' or 'heimish' background and they're like 'oh, the boy is american, or british', which seriously doesn't mean ANYTHING. But as long as someone else out there gets me....there ARE boys like that-my friends and cousins married them! so there all you guilt-trip shadchanim!

    1. My bro in law is from the UK, but it is amazing how in non-American communities, heimishkeit sticks even amongst the "modern." It just does. Even though he's litvish he's probably as heimish as anyone else in my family.

      My siblings all married heimish, so I don't know why my folks find them rare . . .

  3. Wow, so it's not just me lately. Did Venus go retrograde or something?
    I don't know. I think people may be so caught up in doing mitvah that they forget about those they're "helping." Kind of like the boy scout who helps the little old lady cross the street, whether she wants to cross it or not.
    Anyone else up for singing "matchmaker"?

  4. I hear. I made a promise to myself, after forcing myself on a particular second date, that I will not go on a date if I am dreading it before even going on it. You are not doing anyone any favors.

    I do think its important to explain why so that they can get a better idea and understand why you said no (and hopefully set you up with people who are more in line with what you want?)

  5. Hm. It's a little hard to explain. When "heimish" is pronounced "hi-mish," it's usually someone who at least has comfort around the Yiddish language, originating from specific areas in Europe.

    StSS, you got a better translation?

  6. hmmm, I think Princess Leah hit the nail on the head. Depending on the accent on the word and who is saying it, it can have many meanings. Like, for example, when someone says they want a 'frum' guy. What does frum mean? it depends WHO he is, WHAT frumkeit means to him, etc. In my personal use of the word 'Heimishe', which is how I would describe my background-, it means European background (hungarian, etc), speaks/understands yiddish language/expressions. Homey, warm, family-oriented...