Sunday, April 18, 2010

Excuses, Excuses

In preparation for this entry, I took the liberty to look up the definitions for the word 'excuse', and here are just a few that help introduce this blog entry.
1. reason, explanation
2. free from responsibility, duty
3. announce removal of blame
4. defense against charges of wrongdoing; evidence of absence
5. offering of remorse, regret
6. deceptive appearance
7. cop out: abandon, quit
8. explanation, justification
9. escape, avoidance
10. stop blame and grant pardon

Now that you've all read and understood just SOME of the definitions of 'excuse', you will understand why I don't believe in most excuses.
So today's rant will be on the latest bloke that was 'redd' to me. This same guy was suggested to me a few years back and while looking into his information, I called a close friend of mine who told me not to bother with the shidduch as it is totally not shayach. I called the Shadchan and said 'thanks but not thanks'.
Fast forward year 2010: same guy gets redd to me once again and because we got the name wrong (over the phone mispronunciation-as opposed to emailed/faxed typed resume) we looked into him and heard good things and gave the go ahead. Eventually, we got the correct name but decided to go with the 'hey-you never know' approach and give a yes. Apparently the guy didn't need to even look into yours truly as he was interested the first time round.
Then comes the clencher-will he be willing to travel out-of-town to date? First time round I was told-nu uh-neva, he doesn't GO out of town to date girls as there are sooo many lined up for him in the BIG APPLE. Second time round: He's T-O-T-A-L-L-Y interested and is totally willing to travel......BUT - and here is where the excuses come in. So far, to date-there are atleast 4 excuses I can remember by the time of the typing up of this post, and they are, in no specific order
a) his rosh yeshiva doesn't let him leave until after Shavuos
b) he signed a document saying he wouldn't leave his shiur until after Shavuos
c) he got a new chavrusa and he can't leave now
d) his rav informed him a boy shouldn't travel out-of-town to a place he is not familiar with as he will be uncomfortable and this is not good for a date, so ya, he won't come in for the first time, but IF it goes well, then he can come in.

a) which rosh yeshiva would hold back a bochur from finding his zivug, hence getting married=mitzvah for the MAN
b) all rules are meant to be broken :)
c) dude-this is life, you wanna get married, you wanna date, you say yes to an out-of-towner that's how it goes-be a MAN! we live in the 21st century=learn with him on the phone, online, webcam, etc. do what u havta do, heck-bring him along for the drive and learn on the way so as not to cause bitul torah
d) what in heaven's name kinda excuse is that? how many guys have flown, driven, etc. all over the state/country/continent to find their spouse and you think that wasn't 'uncomfortable' for them? What about me as a girl? how much less comfortable would it be for me to travel out-of-town with a bus/train/flight not be at home, etc?

OK, again-still on a rant...also there are other factors in this situation which make the above excuses NULL AND VOID but I will not discuss the other factors in detail. For now let's just use the above definitions for these past few weeks.
He's giving an explanation to free him from the responsibility of traveling, and uses his rebbeim to remove him from blame and defense against charges of wrongdoing-not even willing to travel out of town for good reason. He has no regret-as far as I'm concerned, its all a deceptive appearance-some kind of cop out-or what he calls an 'explanation' to avoid traveling and use his learning to grant him a pardon!

Have you ever heard of such excuses?


  1. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. So he'll shift the blame onto Torah. Interesting thought process.

  2. If this is the way he treats girls without knowing them. I'm amazed you even consider him as a potential candidate. You should respectfully tell the shadchun or anyone that mentions this guy and inform them of his behavior and why you don't think it's shayuch..
    Bottom line - A proper mench simply says that he is interested but it's not practical to go out of the way to date, and that at a later time should either one of you be visiting the others city it should be look into.

    Never leave a girl hooked on with excuses.

  3. Yeah, I have heard of excuses like this; they tend to come from guys who *say* they are interested in getting married but it's hard to believe that's the case when it's so hard just to pin them down to a date.

    My sister had one of these "situations" a few years ago. She figured it was a lost cause, but due to a pushy shadchan (and the fear of being labeled as picky) was forced to travel to his city. While she was driving there (!) he called to say he wasn't sure if he was able to meet her that day, he'd see. And call her back later that day. Well, guess what, she drove all that way and he never actually called. So obviously they never actually even met. Sad thing was, none of us were that surprised...the shadchan was, though (why is it that so many shadchanim are so clueless????).

  4. It all sounds quite fishy. I agree with Data and J - shifting the blame and protecting his disinterest are horrible shameful tactics. If he's serious about dating, he needs some serious hishtadlus on his part. It's like the time I asked Rav Goldvicht about starting to date and being worried about my night seder chevrusa, particularly since Thursday nights were now totally off for dating purposes and the occasion Sunday night as well. He replied that "this is Torah, too" and that my chevrusa would understand, since this is an important venture. If guys don't get that, then I don't think they're ready to date.

  5. data: in full agreement with u
    j: if only ALL men were honest (to us AND to themselves). suffice it to say-I'm NOT going out with him.
    Anon: can't believe ur sis actually traveled for that. I don't trust anyone, let alone Shadchanim. Plus, even if someone would travel for me-and i was sick with fever, i would go out anyway!
    Shades: I don't know who Rav Goldvicht is, never have I heard of him-but I'm now his #1 fan. We should make bumper stickers with his phrase!

  6. In this particular situation, it might have been lame, but a few thoughts...

    1) If a guy actually signed a document and agreed to not miss shiur till after shavuos...would you want a guy who doesn't keep his word?

    2) Here's my rant, about expectations of traveling. Now, I've got nothing against traveling for dating, and I think that people all over the country are fine, wonderful people. However, people right near where i live are fine, wonderful people, too. So I'm sitting here, considering 2 possible girls - one lives in a city 300 miles away, the other lives a 10-minute drive from my house. On paper, from what we hear, etc - they're both wonderful, could both be for me. So why in the world would I choose to drive 3 hours to another city, or fly across the country (even for a 3rd date), when I can date someone right near me who has JUST AS MUCH POTENTIAL?! And it's not like there's a shortage of great girls near me...

    It's simply a practical issue. true, the girl who lives in LA "might be the right one for me." But the girl who lives in flatbush might be, too. Or the one in boro park. Or the other one in flatbush. Etc.

  7. "S"-while I agree with your first point-yes, I would want someone who keeps his word, please understand that there were other 'excuses' made that I couldn't post that didn't make sense with his excuse of signing a document. At the same time, I TOTALLY agree with your second point as well, and if I was living in the Big Apple I would probably think the same way-but if the guy has the same thought process-than don't bother looking into an 'out-of-towner' and 'shlepping' her around for weeks on end-especially when there's no interest to travel!