Sunday, July 26, 2009

The "Out-of-Town" Factor

So, me, being an out-of-towner, has what I believe to be 2 labels in the shidduch world.
#1 being labeled an 'out-of-town' girl, which apparently some guys are specifically looking for. (merely translated as the 'chilled, easygoing, laid back kinda gal and not the Flatbush-flat black shoes, straight ironed hair with big poof and feather hairband, black shirt, black skirt and large black belt)
#2 being labeled an 'out-of-town' girl, which means "OHHHHH, she's not from Brooklyn"? how will you go about dating? what will you do with all the long distance issues? what happens over yom tov? and of course, my favorite-the travel issue!
Now, for the record, I know that Chassidish boys travel to have a 'b'show' aka 'sit-in' aka 'meet' the girl. I know that Lubavitch boys travel to go out with the girl. And yes, even Europeans travel to where the girl is. But noooo, not New York guys! It seems that when a shidduch is redd, the shadchan will tell you 'well, he has girls that are a dime a dozen here in the NY area, so why should he bother to travel in to see you'.
So lemme just say that I had to travel quite a few times in the years I've been dating, but atleast I ASK the shadchan to find out first if the boy can travel. And girls, YES, there have been quite a few gentleman who traveled to see me. They trekked the long hours, either by car, bus, plane or train. Let me tell you that these were guys with major jobs, or in med school, or very busy careers and even they were able to travel, so what is with the excuses that the boys/shadchanim are using.
I truly believe, as an out-of-towner with an out-of-town perspective that if a guy is willing to date a girl from an out-of-town community, he should understand that this involves traveling and atleast TRY and make the effort. Listen up guys, you can just grab 2 other men, get in a car deciding last minute on a road trip and just go and have fun and/or get set up at the same time. For girls, its much more difficult. Firstly, we ain't so mechanically knowledgeable like if G-d forbid something were to happen with the car. Plus, girls in general are more vulnerable, so how many of our moms would let us travel alone. AND, if we get someone to drive with us, it has to be someone who can take off the same time, etc. So unless we get some lucky ride in (due to a wedding, etc) we book ourselves on a greyhound, train, or if we're lucky and $$$, a flight to NYC.
So girls, the message here is, IT CAN'T HURT TO ASK FOR A GUY TO COME IN. You'd be surprised how many are willing, just no one even bothered to ask them. Guys out there, please think about what it means for us to travel alone, lose sleep, hours at work, etc. and think about making ur next dating trip into an exciting road trip with a couple of buddies.
Happy Traveling!

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