Monday, July 20, 2009

Ever Happened To You?

There must be some secret exclusive Business University where all Shadchans graduate from with an M.B.A. (more like a B.S. if you ask me) that includes a major in sales and minor in deception. Only such a degree will allow them to enter the commission based market of Shidduchim as pushy salesmen/ladies who make you believe what they are selling is exactly what you're looking for, custom made to meet YOUR needs. They'll call you up to describe their hottest best-selling product currently on the market, with stocks that even gold and oil cannot compete with: "the bachelor".

Discussing how this is what you've been waiting for all these years; the qualities, his wonderful family lineage, the middos, and how he was the best learner in his Yeshiva. She then goes onto say how lucky you would be to get in on this great deal, as this is what EVERYONE is looking for, and in fact, he is being pursued by many other purchasers in the same business, (his list is 137 girls long) but you've been bumped up to the top because you "know somebody". (The blonde hair, thin figure, and wealthy parents have nothing to do with it). But wait that's not all, he might be yours for only a low starting bid of....$499.99 (flight ticket/bus ticket/gas to get you to NY and back), which includes a definite 2 dates of ownership. meals, lodging, and transportation not included.

The Shadchan reminds you that this is not just ANY bachelor, he is a limited time offer, a one-of-a-kind, special edition. He's very handsome guy, equipped with a Masters degree, a law degree, a family business, very intelligent, capable, friendly and outgoing, popular and down-to-earth. A guy most girls would die to go out with, who can pose for the next Calvin Klein billboard in Times Square, who can own his own country, and most of all has heart of gold and has been described as a romantic.

So now you're there, it's 5 minutes before the 'set time' of the date and you're looking as good as ever. Hair? Check. Nails? Check. Makeup? Check. Outfit? Check. Perfume? Check. Jewellery? Check. (minus the diamond ring).

The doorbell rings and here he comes....Your knight in shining armor?

Handsome? If you consider hairy and pot belly good looking, sure.

Well dressed? He's got the salvation army and 70's look going for him.

Ok.., you're thinking... you're not so into the looks (who are we kidding here) but the rest might work out well. So, the Shadchan didn't LIE, I mean, looks can be very subjective.

He takes off the black hat in the car, revealing shiny beads of sweat forming on the large bald spot on his head. Hmm, funny, the Shadchan forgot to mention that. He tells you that he is taking you to a special place, a place he's never taken any girl before, a park bench - exactly where he stood when he learned that he passed his G.E.D. after his fifth attempt. His eyes gleam with pride as he relates this memory while you wonder what happened to the guy with the law and business degree. You decide this is not a topic of conversation you should really discuss, so you congratulate him on his accomplishment and ask if there's a washroom nearby. There isn't. So you hold it in along with the many nasty words you'd love to share with the Shadchan when you return from the date, which you know you won't because you're worried it might ruin your reputation.

You tell your parents about your experience and they politely call the Shadchan and say there was no chemistry -- but it was in the ballpark.

You understand that it's not as if G-d forbid the Shadchan LIED. She's a good person. She was just doing her job as a saleslady. After all, they're only supposed to coax you into BUYING the goods, making the sale item seem appealing and most necessary. It is YOUR job to check into the details, to make sure your new purchase comes with everything listed on the box, or in this case, everything listed on the phone.

Oh well, next time you get a call, you'll be ready to investigate.

Happy Hunting/Shopping!


  1. hahahaha this is pretty funny!

    i wonder if this is the same guy who took my friend to dunkins?

  2. So stop using shadchanim. Frumster, Saw you at Sinai, facebook, shabbatons, etc.

    Why would you go out with someone before seeing picture?

  3. I used to go out with people before seeing a picture, because I was young, naive and had faith and trust, but now, if there is anyway I can get a pic=that's the way I go :)

  4. LOL! I have got to say most boys out there are UGLY! And they are soooo demanding for a pretty girl! Oh another thing find me a guy that's not 5 feet-Thanks!

  5. @Single on the Scene - wow! You made me laugh!! Both by how well it is written and how well it's brought. Thanks!!

    @Moshe - how did you get married?

    @kitty - thanks!

  6. I married my girlfriend, same as most of the guys in shul.