Monday, March 18, 2013

Can Girls Speak Up?

At the beginning of my Shidduch stage, I never understood why/how some guys would come back after just 1 date and say no. I didn't get insulted and still don't, but unless there was a MAJOR difference of Hashkafa or looks, I just didn't get why a guy wouldn't give it a second shot-especially the ones I was actually interested in. 
Then my brother put it in perspective for me. He said I talk too much.
Growing up, each of my report cards always had the comment 'sweet, great student but try and keep the talking to a minimum...talkative but learned....' I took it as a compliment. I wasn't a robot, I didn't just obey orders, I would have conversations, ask questions, speak up. After all, no one likes boring students and most people need feedback to know if they are doing a good job or are even good at their job.
So, yes, I am talkative. No, I'm not monotonous and I don't babble or psychobabble for that matter. I like talking, I just can't help it. And, as my brother so eloquently put it 'you need to be like the other girls who smile and nod throughout the date and agree to drink water'. Well, all you gentlemen out there, when you ask what I'd like to drink (for those of you who even ASK), I thought it's because I actually have a choice and not to just agree to have 'diet' or 'water'.
So, maybe I scared away the guys. Maybe I'm not the typical (ok, not maybe, but FOR SURE) Bais Yaakov, or Brooklyn type girl. I'm an out of towner, I have my own personality, opinions and I'm me. 
But, where does that get me? I'm here typing up this blog and most of my classmates are married with families of their own.
So I don't get it. Can't we be who we actually are, or do we havta fake it to make it, just like the entire shidduch game? The lies, the deception, the shadchanim, the resumes, etc. Can't we have ONE thing be real=the people who we REALLY and TRULY are?
I say, be true to yourself and it will be an honest and great date. Who needs the whole blond brooklyn facade (this is JUST a stereotype). I think being unique is great, even if I do havta speak up once in a while and ask the waiter to swap the water for a regular-not diet, Coke.


  1. You say you are not the "typical" girl.

    That is an easy thing to say, but it means nothing, because you cannot define what's "typical" and what's not. Just as two faces are different, all people, similarly, are different. This is of course obvious, yet needs to be repeated because, as you show, you think there are groups that are "typical" as opposed to another "atypical" circle of people.

    That just ain't the way it is, young lady. Your "own personality" you sure have, but every inner city girl also has that very same "own personality".

    Need proof? When's the last time you refused a date with a young man just because you found out he comes from "Brooklyn"?

  2. Mammelah sheinah, the biggest bigmouth in my class (and I mean the girl who would call a navi if she couldn't remember his name "What's-his-face") married "on time." I highly doubt she was a demure miss on the date itself, either.

    I also like to talk. I like to have a conversation. And if a guy can't handle it then he is more than welcome to baby his ego elsewhere. Keep in mind you only have your brother's perspective on the matter, and from personal experience brothers are not the best source for accurate data.

    I have noticed that quiet fellows who have trouble getting out of their shells prefer chatty, outgoing girls; sometimes they even request them.

    As for our single state, I choose not to pin it on a single, innocent trait. We just have to wait a bit for something really great.

  3. Babylonian Talmud, tractate Nedarim,
    page 21A, first line on page:

    The righteous say little and do much.

    .הרבה ועושין מעט אומרים צדיקים

  4. Shevet Mussar, Chapter 24, paragraph 9:
    "A wife should not talk too much in the presence of her husband."

  5. Shevet Mussar, Chapter 24, paragraph 12:
    "The wife [who wants her husband to love her] must not be too talkative, because too much talk brings her to reveal secrets that should be only between her and her husband."

  6. Mishlei, chapter 10, verse 19:

    Where there is an abundance of words,
    sin does not cease;
    but he who withholds his lips is wise.

    :טי קוספ ,י קרפ ,ילשמ ,ך“נת
    ,עשפ לדחי אל ,םירבד ברב
    .ליכשמ ויתפש ךשוחו

  7. Talkative/immodest.

    I think that's what it boils down too. A girl that will bandy words with the opposite sex, is often seen as immodest. I can chat the ear off a donkey with my husband, but that is not a trait that I would share with other men, or boys, particularly when I was single.