Monday, November 26, 2012

It's Not for Me. Period.

Ever get asked why you said no to a shidduch? What about in an ongoing Shidduch-ever get asked why you are willing to stop dating at whatever point you are up to?
Well, most singles I've known, including the author of this blog, usually try to get away with a simple 'thanks, but it's not for me'. Usually though-the simple 'it's not for me' is not enough for the typical Shadchan. They want to know why, and additional specifics as to what made you come to your decision. Perhaps they can change your mind, or shed light on the situation. Here's a few comments I've heard about from Shadchan in response to a single's reasoning for saying no:
Single: he's a big on the 'big/heavy' side and I'm not comfortable with it
Shadchan: well, of course-he's single so he's always eating take-out and non-healthy stuff. As soon as he gets married and settle down, he will have a more scheduled day and a wife to cook him proper suppers and keep him on track-he'll lose the weight soon after marriage, you will see-they all do

Single: he's too quiet for me
Shadchan: he lives at home and his mother does most of the talking for him, but once he's out of the house and running his own home, you will see how he won't be that quiet.

Single: He doesn't really have a proper job yet....
Shadchan: he's single, so he can/his parents can afford for him to have side jobs-once he's married though, he's made it clear he will take on a more steady job. Of course, he's also looking for a girl who will push him in that direction...

Single: he doesn't really have a set seder/chavrusa/chabura
Shadchan: it's hard for a guy living on his own to set time aside each day/few times a week and keep on schedule. You have the power to change that. A man needs his wife at his side to push him to go learn. With the proper support from you, he will have a set learning time...

Above are just a few 'scrapings' of comments I heard. I don't want to get carried away though, the point of this post is that unless there are serious concerns involved and you feel the Shadchan should know of them for the sake of setting this guy up in the future, the best thing is to keep it simple and say 'it's just not for me'. Going through all the bad points (keep in mind, what's considered 'bad' to you, may be perfectly acceptable to others...) and speaking to the Shadchanim of the guy's terrible personality/manners, but come back to haunt you.
I do believe that (again), if the personality/manners are an issue that you believe will affect other dates-say them, but if it won't make a difference to the shadchan (either they are doing this ONCE off, or don't really know the guy, or just happened across a resume, etc) don't go through specifics. 
I was set up once by a distant family member of mine. Yes, she sorta knew me/had seen me at Simchas and had set me up. Needless to say it was a most terrible experience. When I called her to tell her it wasn't for me she asked for reasons. I was soo upset (this being, almost straight after my horrible date) that I spilled out every feeling I had during my date. A few months later I heard that this boy's mother was going around telling everyone I ruined his name by saying such and such. Trust me-you don't want that happening to you and you never know who will repeat what. So keep it simple & straight to the point-stick with the title and you will be ok.


  1. I hear that. Always I will persist with the "He's not for me." Because no matter how off-the-wall he is, he'll be for someone else, so what would be the point of getting into details?

    A little trick: Bring some menfolk in your life when dealing with a woman shadchan; they are always scared of men. "My father agrees," or some such, is very helpful.

  2. NEVER assume that someone will change for the better after you marry him [or her]!

    Anyone who tells you that that someone will change for the better after you marry him [or her] is guilty of giving you BAD ADVICE, which is a SIN, according to the Torah.

  3. Dear Single on the Scene,

    If you really want to get married, I offer the following suggestion:

    Place an advertisement in The Jewish Press (or some other Orthodox Jewish newspaper), stating:

    your age,
    Modern Orthodox,
    your city of residence,
    a short description of yourself,
    a short description of the man you want,
    and your email address.

    When you get responses, you ask the men to email you pictures of themselves.

    If you do not get the responses you want, you can try another Jewish newspaper.