Monday, June 7, 2010

Too Close to Home

A while back, I posted about my cousin and her crazy confrontation with a mother-of-a-boy and while I agree that it definitely was the most outrageous first-person story I've ever heard, I thought that would be the worst.
However, ladies and gents, I have yet a better story to tell you and all facts are 100% true being that it happened to me directly.
Here's what happened.
I went to work this morning, drove my usual route, opened my computer, checked my emails, arranged schedules, etc. Whilst updating the files in our computer system, our postman (who also happens to be Frum and live near our area) walked into my office to say good morning. Now being that every so often, our postman walks into our office and makes sure to greet each person, then grabs a coffee on the way out, this didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary. This is until he sits down and starts telling me he has the PERFECT Shidduch for me.
Now again-lemme explain, this is our postman who walks in with our mail and a joke for us EACH day, so no one really takes him seriously, he is literally always telling jokes.
I rolled my eyes and told him to have a good day. Then he kept badgering me, even though I was clearly not listening to him and reading my emails. He told me the guy is bubbly, has lots of personality, is totally my type, not extremist, learns, etc. I told him it's ok, but thanks. He tells me, well, its a local guy, don't you wanna know who, and I said 'clearly, I don't, but the fact that he wasn't leaving and I was getting annoyed, I just said ok, fine.
So, he names me, my co-worker's son.
Again-for some background info, out of all my co-workers, only one has a son my age. HOWEVER, and by the word however, i mean, BOLD, CAPITALIZE, ARIAL BLACK it, cuz this is major=he is TOTALLY and 100% NOT MY TYPE. In fact, I tried setting up her son a few times with girls but each time she said thank you but it's not for him. The only thing is, this co-worker is the type to take everything you say literally and seriously (plus she is big time into punctuation and being proper). So, as much as it was a joke to me, I was happy that he didn't offer me her son infront of her in the same office.
In any case, I walk down the corridor to get a coffee and see another one of my cos. She must've read my face as she looked at me with the 'oy, what's wrong already' look and that's when we moved to the kitchen. The second I said the postman-she knew what I was talking about, which freaked me out even more as she wasn't even in the office then. She told me that the first stop the postman made was at her office, where my co-worker (with the son) was at the time. He suggested me for her son and lucky for me (clearly sarcasm) she thought it was a WONDERFUL idea. My other co, when asked of her opinion said she didn't at all think it was shayach. When she said that, the boy's mother-co said 'well you don't know my son'=she got offended that my other co thought I wasn't for her son.
So, now I know I'm screwed for the rest of my work day and I avoid boy's mother-co like the plague.
Eventually, I havta get to her office, so I take a quick look around and see that there are 3 other office mates in the room, meaning it's safe for me to grab a file and leave. I act casual, even thought I'm freaking out inside, but suddenly the room empties out and I notice it's just me and boy's mom-co alone.
Boy's mom-co calls my name and I say 'uh huh, clearly not turning around as I cannot face her and tell her that her son is clearly not for me, not my type, total loser, etc. Then she goes on telling me that the postman told her about me and she thinks its a good idea and that she can arrange things if I want and if I think otherwise (in other words, if I'm not interested) then it won't be awkward and she won't be upset.
I, in panic-freak out mode, act stupid and say I have no idea what she is talking about=mistake #1.
She said the postman told her I said it wasn't shayach! (oops-on my part for saying he never spoke to me!) and if he told her I wasn't interested-why in heaven's name would she even bring it up to me again?!?!1
So, basically, I tell her I'm looking for ANYTHING but her son-meaning I made up an ultra-yeshivish black hatter, tzitzis hanging out, greaseball who is in college getting a PhD (total oxymoron, I know, but it was the most exaggerated combination I can come up with that her son totally was not and could never be). At that point she said she also thought I was more college type, but not everyone needs college, some people just have jobs, etc. I basically, tried changing the subject and veering off topic, whilst my co's slowly piled back in and left.
Rest of the day, I did not step foot into her office and clearly avoided her at all costs, even when going to the ladies room.
So, basically, I'm stuck as she clearly thinks this is the greatest idea ever (and is THAT desperate to believe it) and it is the most OBVIOUS thing in the world that it ISN'T.
I gotta show up to work tomorrow, but any ideas how I can make this LESS awkward, without telling her to her face that I'm not interested at all?!?!


  1. Go on the date.
    Might be the only way out of this.

  2. Oh my G-d, do I feel bad for you. It is such a horrible position to be in. I have had something like this happen to me to, but not to this monstrous extent.

    Obviously, this is not a smart woman who didn't let it drop when the opportunity was available. You are not interested. Leave it alone. But she can't, for some psychological reason.

    You have redt other girls for this son? Yet she said no? Maybe distraction is your best option, if she brings it up again, or throw it into your parents. "While I don't want to waste your son's valuable time, I do have other girls that I think would get along with him better . . ." or "How about calling my parents?" Get a man on the phone. Crazy women always defer to men.

    I hope this nightmare ends for you soon!

  3. Feivel-no way in heaven's name thats gonna happen!
    Data: Monstrous is the PERFECT word (especially to describe my co-aka boy's mom). Lol=get a man on the phone!

  4. your postman = your 'male'man