Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Eligible Bachelors, Cradle Snatchers, Old Haggers...

After years of being in "the system", it still comes as a shock to me the way people act and react. I remember back in the early years when I was maybe 21-23 and shadchanim would mention boys who were 20, 21, 22 and I informed them I wasn't comfortable dating boys who were younger than me. At that point I got a whole telling off. Don't get me wrong, boys are immature (no offence guys) and especially at that age (although, there are some, very few, who are indeed mature enough...), but when the Shadchan heard my response I got at least 1/2 hour's worth of telling off. First it was about being picky, then the boy really was 'mature', or some other excuse. I probably dated one or two of them in my early twenties, just to get rid of my own self-doubt and believe in the minorities of 'mature young men' and then realized I had no one to prove this to. Shadchanim can say whatever they want-they are just salespeople trying to make a sale!
But now, the tables have turned. It's years later and I'm considered an older single in the "shidduch system". At this point, what does a year or two make a difference? The way I see it, it ain't the age, it's the stage of life you're at. And at this point, myself and my future hubby are not newbies to the system and are ready to get married and settle down. Yes, I have mentioned this to shadchanim but they brush it off.
The last few boys who were suggested all said they want 'younger girls'. Heck, I was redd to a guy last month who I thought was a bit above my age bracket, yet was told that he dated my neighbour who is 15 years his junior (and NO, I'm not kidding). Guys want younger girls. Guys want beautiful girls. Guys wants girls with money and they all will get offered what they are looking for.
But when an older guy gets engaged to a (much) younger girl-or even asks for one, is he considered a cradle snatcher?
When he is suggested me-the same age group as himself-I'm considered an old hag compared to the young fresh-outta-sem girls.
and that's my rant on this whole matzav.
The Shadchanim who were so busy telling me off years ago, when it made absolutely no sense (unless you're ultra chassidish), are now telling me that the guys my age, who they feel are shayach would like to date younger girls and that's ok cuz guys get what they ask for and they get what they want.
What is UP with this system, we call the shidduch system which is ssssoooo corrupt?


  1. There was a commenter on another blog in his mid-twenties who said he won't date an older girl because he wants a lot of kids, and an older girl has more chance of fertility problems, and even if she doesn't, she has fewer years left to make babies.

    1. That is rather weak.

      Firstly, that whole fertility thing was debunked. And secondly, if a guy is so concerned about siring a brood, he would have gotten married earlier. Thirdly, to say that the children is based on anything but God is plain and pushut irreligiosity.

      Guys who are 15 years older than me won't date girls who are even, say, 10 years younger than them, and it is not because they want a nubile incubator. One even said (to my brother's face) "If Alec Baldwin can get married to a woman 30 years younger than him, why can't I?"

      It's about ego. Not children.

    2. I want kids. Why am I not married? Suppose its all my fault.

    3. You aren't looking for a girl who is young enough to be your daughter.

      Are you?

    4. I'm not even 24 yet, barely old enough to have a daughter lol

      But you implied that if having kids was so important to someone (it is to me) they'd be married already (I'm not).

    5. Princess Lea,

      Getting married young is actually in most cases an irresponsible decision as often it serves to produce 'moochers' who, by virtue of the fact that they can't financially support their own family, should not be making decisions that will often place a hindrance on other family members and/or their spouse.

      I do concur to some extent that while it is important to have children, the choice to get married should not be based merely on fertility issues. However, your proposition that guys should get married young(er) is just ridiculous based on the whole financial affair situation that is likely to result if they are not even out of college yet (that is IF they even made the responsible decision to go to an accredited college).

      Thus - I think I'll have to agree in full with FrumGeek on this one.

    6. Yup, I still stand by what I said based on the points above. Also the whole it's all in God's hands. There is such thing as seychal which says if I marry a 35 year old I will not have (99% chance) as many kids as if I marry a 22 year old.

      I've also said it before on that same blog and I'll say it again here (even though it gets people even angrier than the fertility thing) but older girls get pickier. I've seen it with plenty of girls I've dated and spoken with many guys about it who agree. But younger girls are more optimistic and willing to give things a try. Guys stay as picky, but girls become pickier.

      There is one thing which I have seen with a few older pickier girls. They will often have a breakdown or breakthrough and suddenly marry the next guy they date. But I'm not dating an older girl just to maybe be that guy.

    7. Um, I would be the first person to say that people are getting to young nowadays. Since you made a point on focusing on one of the criteria I listed as opposed to all, permit me to unnecessarily clarify:

      Topic: Cradle robbers

      Description: Men of a certain age (30+) who refuse to date women in their appropriate age range.

      Claim: Sometimes they weakly state desires for large families, and despite the fact that the state of fertility is based on the Beshefer,

      Debunked: They want to ape aging, pathetic Hollywood actors by draping their arm with a gal who is barely out of high school (guys shouldn't marry young, but girls should?)

      I should know, since even though I am an elderly 28 year old, 40+ men have been knocking on my door. I don't think they are eying me for middos, or my personality, but rather the boost to their sad, sad egos.

      I am not saying it is impossible for these men to find women to fit their delusions. Perhaps a young girl with no stable home who wants security. But they should be a little quieter about their motivations. It's just a little embarrassing for them.

      As for the accusations of "pickiness"? I have not met particularly open-minded men recently. The male and female side can argue this until we get married.

      Happy dating, and smile, dammit!

    8. So you take issue with a 29 year-old guy wanting to date a 21 year-old girl instead of a 28 year-old girl because you think the 8 year difference puts the 21 year-old girl out of range? I mean it's quite unfortunate if you have convinced yourself that the older the girl the same her chances of having more kids --- a biological clock is a reality, albeit an unfortunate one for older single girls. Though, of course, it is still possible for younger girls to have fertility issues.

      However, there is also the other side of the coin - I'll go personal on this one. For instance, I'm only 23 turning 24 soon but I much prefer hanging out with older girls...and I'm not even dating (slaving away at a Big 4...already feel like I'm my job...sad sad...but very profitable) --- so maybe it plays to stop bickering and start focusing on guys a year or two younger than yourself.

    9. Since you have willfully misunderstood everything I wrote, I wash my hands of this discussion.

  2. Tesya-that excuse is so lame, it doesn't even count as an excuse. Who Blesses couples with children? G-d, that's Who! There are many young couples out there who are unfortunately childless, and there are women in their fifties who are giving birth B"H. As far as I'm concerned, any guy who would say that or use that as an excuse deserves to remain single

    1. Can't say I disagree. Forget the statistics and anecdotes about fertility, but because "having a whole lot of children" is not a well-thought out life goal for someone who hasn't even found their life partner yet.

  3. I've actually always only dated girls who were older than me. I found girls my age or younger to be lacking in maturity. Like a good wine, older is better :-)