Saturday, December 29, 2012

We're all in the Same Boat

The other day I was given a name of a 'new' shadchan, with amazing reviews-Kinda like a movie, minus the '2 thumbs up'. But because I've been in the system for a while, I usually just listen whilst rolling my eyes, I mean, aren't they all the same? Isn't every shadchan 'a-m-a-z-i-n-g' and big deal if they made a really great shidduch recently (what makes a shidduch 'great' as opposed to the regular shidduchim they make anyway?). Honestly, I feel that they are all the same=a waste of time. OK, I know that sounded really negative, so I apologize, but just so you get the picture, I've spent numerous weekends, vacations, days, etc. traveling to New York/Toronto/Israel, etc. to meet Shadchanim. The time/effort/money spent, not to mention the emotions, etc. just to get 10 minutes or less of time to sit down with someone, go through all your information, take photos, some times paying the shadchan/shidduch group and then to get NOTHING, not a date, not a phone call, not even a returned phone call. Some have answering machines that even tell you not to leave a voicemail! They take your money but don't answer your emails/texts. They agree (after you BEG them) to meet you but don't even have any boys (your type). Shouldn't they just quickly ask on the phone, or tell you on the phone BEFORE you travel down to meet them about what type of boys they have and what type of shadchan/shidduch group they are?
In any case, so I got the number and made an appointment to go meet the Shadchan. When speaking to the person who arranges the meetings (yes, it sounded like there was a designated 'secretary'), I asked to have the last appointment. I requested this so I wouldn't have to 'wait around' with other singles, or perhaps people I know, or the 'fresh outta sem' girls with their mothers....
At the appointed time, I walked in and the 'secretary' spoke with me for a while, getting to know me, etc. She then showed me into the den/office to meet with the Shadchan. We met, we spoke, I answered all questions and was wished good luck and promised I would be 'worked on'. I walked out as I walked in-with no expectations. Only, as I left the den, I was looking at numerous young girls. By young I mean, 18 or maybe even 18 1/2, some with their fathers, some with mothers and one with both her parents. I knew a few of them and it was sort of humiliating. I can't explain the feeling-but it is embarrassing enough to have to 'sell' yourself to all these shadchans/people, but when you're like in your late twenties/close to thirty and you see these little 'pishers' walk in with their freshly blowdried hair, kakalength skirts, seminary 'hashkafos' and their parents, it's like-no words can describe how much more humiliating it is. It would've been more sensitive, to have in fact, given me the last appointment, as I requested, but at the same time-is it inSANE that parents have to take their kids who are maybe just turned 18 to a Shadchan?
Guess, we're all in the same boat here. How insane!


  1. I suggest you recite the entire Sefer Tehillim every month for yourself.

    I also suggest that you recite additional Tehillim for others whenever possible.

    I recommend The Metsudah Tehillim by Rabbi Avrohom Davis.

    Also be careful to avoid words that are the spiritual equivalent of poison:
    Slander, foul language, insults, and complaining.

    Every day say things like this:

    THANK YOU HASHEM for the light and warmth of the sun.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for adequate food.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for adequate clothing.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for adequate shelter.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for adequate health.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for adequate money.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for the ability to walk normally.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for the ability to talk normally.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for the ability to eat normally.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for every breath I breathe.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for every drop of rain.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for every dollar I have.
    THANK YOU HASHEM for relatives and friends
    who care about me and help me.

  2. This so-called shidduch system is to blame.

    People go around screaming there's a crisis, so what do parents think? My teenager has to get married, the sooner, the better, because if she waits around at all she may depreciate in value.

    It is a shame, because I truly believe that kids nowadays have to grow a little before they have kids themselves.

    As for them going to a "shadchan"? Also the "crisis"s fault. There are now many unqualified individuals claiming to be shadchanim, and since they usually make a point to stomp all over my dignity, I make a point not to bother with them.

  3. Blaming others rarely helps anything, and it may distract you from working to improve your situation. That’s why it’s called: “The Blame Game.”

    Our great and holy Torah teaches that: charity combined with sincere repentance and combined with humble sincere prayer recited is the solution to our problems.

  4. Wait a sec, they came out wrong.

    I meant to say it is the so-called shidduch crisis. Because people think there is a crisis, they shove their kids into the dating scene way too early.

    The shidduch system and I are good friends, providing it is actually abiding by the laws established over the centuries.