Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Oddest Shidduch Descriptions

I am challenging all readers of this blog to post the oddest shidduch description they've ever received. Be it on a dating site, on a shidduch resume, on a self-described personal website of a guy, or of his mom.
Just last week I received another odd description (I kid you not-it is FIVE pages long!) and it really did not describe the guy at all-it was like some kind of abstract poetic themed article. 
So, feel free to post it here. 
If there is anything specific in the description you will post, that can lead someone to know who the description belongs to-please remove that part before posting.
I will be posting some of the weird descriptions I've received personally, as well as some from friends of mine who have forwarded them for this purpose.


  1. I believe that exchanging dating horror stories reinforces our negative emotions, which probably makes it harder for us to get married.

  2. Or it can make us feel solidarity and empathy with each other when we realize we're not in this alone and that other people also get weird descriptions :)

  3. Someone sent me this description:

    I am apologising before hand that I am being very
    open in my wordings, as a modern frum guy I have
    been around and this is how I see things.

    I am not the type of guy that does these stupid
    things like a one night stand or a booty call it's
    very very bad and lack of maturity, that is so
    disrespectful dishonest u name it, I personally
    never did it and never will do it. I hope there is
    women out there that knows how to treat a man
    right, there is always room for mistake where all
    human, cause myself I know how to treat a women
    right, the reason why I am still single is because
    I got taken advantage by my ex's unfortunately,
    and today it's very hard for me to trust women.

    I know that you have a dilemma trying to find the
    right guy in the right time and the right place?
    same here with me trying to find that right girl ?
    In simple words I am a thoughtful, forgiving, easy
    going, laid back, person that is very respectful,
    loving, caring, affectionate, passionate,
    romantic, and understands women in almost every
    single perspective, My word is gold, generous,
    goal oriented, I know it's hard to believe that a
    man can be but I'll bet you to find a guy like
    myself is very hard to, especially in these days,
    but I guess I can say fortunate enough for me that
    I grew up in an family that has morals values and
    perspectives in life, and I guess I still kept it
    that way.

    You see it's really hard to find perfection in the
    world we live in today but I believe that there is
    some sort of perfection for every man and every
    women, and there is men out there that still that
    have morals values and respect for women and
    consider women specially all the time not
    momentarily, You see I am the type of guy that is
    very very respectful towards women and I believe
    in my perspective that women need to be treated
    with respect love care and value and not to be
    treated like shit.

    Yes the world is crazy out there, men can't
    control themselves that is why women out there
    need to put up a tough role and behave bitchy
    cause of all the Psychopathic men out there. What
    is a man? A real man?

    A man is someone that has temptation in front of
    him and hesitates to step forward doing that
    temptation, men have to be able to control their
    snake men are not animals, animals seek sex 24/7
    the have no brains that function like men.

    I am ___ years old and I pretty much accomplished allot, I am very talented I don't even have the proper words for what I do exactly. cause I am not your typical type of guy, to be straight up with you, I'm an personal trainer, music engineer, massage therapist, nutritionsit consultant, social worker, fashion designer, interior decor, kiruv, musician, web and graphic design so I am not your typical guy with a standard job, in other words I can tell you this, I will do everything in the world to be the best man for you in every possible way you can imagine if you let me, I am not selling myself I am
    telling what is my ability, I am including my information if you wish to talk like normal people not instant messenger and all that stuff I am sure it's helpful but lot of waste of time.

  4. hehehehe. Dater Hater - funny ;)and very entertaining!

  5. I condemn the disgraceful use of nibul peh at the end of the 4th paragraph!

    How dare such a person describe himself as "frum"?!?!

    Babylonian Talmud, tractate Shabbat, page 33A:
    “Obscene language causes calamities to increase and new harsh decrees against Jews and the men of Israel die young, and orphans and widows cry out and are not answered.”

    1. Can you please fill me in on where it says the words in the above gemarah that the person is no longer considered frum?

      The Talmud says a lot of unpleasant things about all sorts of sins and you're harping on this one as a reason that a person can't consider himself frum?

  6. Thought I posted this early-but the comment section only allows max: 4,096. This is a description I received that is SUPER long, so I will only post the first half, to begin with...

    I am cream. I am Peach. I am quiet, simple and straight forward. I am Strong, Talented, Sexy and Powerful. I am passionate, soft, gentle and loving. I am an Oasis of peace, Love, Serenity, Healing & Warmth I don't know whats best for me or you or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or on anyone else. I don't want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. You can heal your life. I am at peace I love myself. I love my hands, my feet, my body, my smile, my soul, my heart. All is well In the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. I experience love wherever I go. I am slender and beautiful. I am cute and adorable. I am prosporous. I am eternally young. I now move to a better place. I have a wonderful new relationship. I love money and money loves me. I am swimming in dollar bills. I have more than enough money. Infinite blessings, and infinite love, and infinite wealth are on the way to me right now, and I accept it all now. Thank you God - I cannot thank you enough !!!! for having me win the lottery, and thank you for giving me the job at ______________. WOW!!!! I am my own person. I love my mouth and my skin. I love my life. Thank you God for all the blessings you have endowed me with. Thank you for all the light you have enlightened me with. Thank you for all the good times you have given me. Thank you for all the friends and Angels you have sent me. Thank you for everything. I am filled with love and affection. I am joyous and happy and free. I am totally healthy.

  7. Part 2 of description:
    CREATE A NEW EXPERIENCE FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW! The soil you plant in is your subconcious mind. The seed is the new affirmation. The whole new experience is in this tiny seed. You water it with affirmations. You let the sunshine of positive thoughts beam on it. You weed the garden by pulling out the negative thoughts that come up. When you see the first tiniest little evidence of progress, you don't stomp on it and say "thats not enough!" Instead, you look at this first breakthrough and exclaim with glee: Oh Boy!! here it comes !!! Its working !!! Then you watch it grow and become your desire in manifestation. Release The Darkness and Embrace The Light.......... Release The Darkness - release all negative thoughts about what is wrong and why you are upset etc..... and , instead, Embrace The Light.......... Focus ONLY on what is you want, your dreams, your fantasies. I deserve to have everything good come to me right now: good health, wealth, love, friends, peace, blessings. I deserve to be the best I can be- to connect with my Higher Self. But I have no need to be better than others, have more than others, or be the best. Because we are all the best we can be. Live in the NOW. Not: WHEN I get X or WHEN I become X, THEN I will be happy, because then you will never be happy Instead of focusing on Having More, getting more, better, best, focus on BEING and BECOMING. KNOW WHATEVER COMES TO YOU UNEXPECTED TO BE A GIFT FROM GOD, WHICH WILL SURELY SERVE YOU IF YOU USE IT TO THE FULLEST. IT IS ONLY THAT WHICH YOU STRIVE FOR OUT OF YOUR OWN IMAGINATION THAT GIVES YOU TROUBLE. Think positive and the result will be positive: An Optimistic thought has the power the rescind a heavenly decree A Pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; An Optimist sees the Opportunity in every difficulty Don't tell God how big your problems are; Tell your problems how big God is. Love another soul and his love will mirror back to you Before we awake our souls- the soul of that day- calls out and pleads: “Please make the most of me- I will exist only once........ The sun will rise and set- and I will be gone. Make me purposeful and accomplish all that is meant to in me". Normal is Boring Do More than exist- Live Do more than look- Observe Do more than read- Absorb Do more than Listen- Understand Do more than think- Ponder Do more than talk- Say something... We exist temporarily through what we take- but we live forever through what we give If you do not gather the courage and live out your destiny, you are ripping the rest of us off. Do not fear mistakes- there are none...

  8. Part 3 of description:
    P.S. I am an ARTISTIC, creative, unconventional person, which by definition, means that I am: Hostile, aggressive, dominant, self centered, histrionic, rebellious, effeminate, immature, anxious, insecure, impulsive, emotionally unstable, undependable, irresponsible, unsympathetic, inconsiderate, and certainly not agreeable. I am Peter Sellers. you can hate me or love me but do not try to deny it because it is the real truth. See him in action in the pink panther but especially in "Being There" The very first question you should have whenever you see me do anything is : what is this clown up to now? Every aspect of my life from beginning to end is 100% a Greek tragedy and therefore a complete hilarious joke. Should anyone film my life it can instantly be turned into a massive comedy. I live on music and I have a beautiful heavenly voice. I specialize in harmony. I am looking to join in a Jewish Choir or band, something like Yeshiva Boys Choir. Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.. For attractive lips, speak words of kindness... For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone... People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others. I am treating you as a friend, asking you to share my current minuses in the hope that I can ask you to share my future pluses. Escape Yourself We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other people’s models, learn to be ourselves, and all our natural channel to open.

  9. Part 4 of description:
    WANTED: A creative colleague with genuine enthusiasm and generosity for me and my work. Someone to share my hopes, dreams, and disappointments with, who will spoil me a little, cheer for me a lot, and believe in me when I can’t believe in myself. Someone who can say- and mean- “that’s beautiful and so are you”. Try to discover your true, honest, untheoretical self. When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you. To be nobody-but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting -e.e. cummings If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you- Except ye be as children ye cannot ender the kingdom of heaven To laugh often and love much to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children to earn the approbation of honest crtitics to appreciate beauty to give of one's self to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived- that is to have succeeded. -Harry Fosdick I'm a Dolphin swimming in the sea, I'm a Dove flying in the sky, I'm a Deer running in the meadows I'm an Oyster full of Pearls I'm a song which reaches the heavens I'm a choir in harmony I'm a soul on fire I'm a candle burning bright I'm an infinite light I'm a baby in the crib, sucking my bottle And hugging my cute teddy bear I'm a curious puppy exploring the world I'm a little kid up to mischief I'm the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Loyal all the way I'm Dumbo the Flying Elephant Whose "deficiency" is really a gift I'm the Lion King Who rules the world I'm Mulan who saves the country, By some unconventional means I'm Nemo whose been captured, But eventually comes back home I'm the Prince of Wonderland I fear no man And definitely not any girls shtick I am not fooled by your games I know all your tricks I'm a poet by nature, I'm a chazan from birth I'm a lover by fate Its time to party, Its time for fun, Its time to take center stage Its time to rock the world. Who I'd like to meet: My Soulmate: Marilyn Monroe SNOW WHITE: "Yifas Toar Vi'yifas Mareh": French, Bas Cohen and Bas Talmid Chochom who is also into chassidus and the secrets of Torah. Adorable, lovely, and beautiful. Fun, affectionate, enjoys nice scenery. Wise, smart, Intuitive. Original, creative, Eshes Chayil, a girl who is NOT both feet on the ground, and stuck in "reality", a woman who can create very dynamic ruach in the home, is a baalas chesed, a pure giver, not a taker, a girl who wants to help Israel, whose very humble and soft like butter, not someone who will demand things done her way.

  10. omg whoah no words is this person serious???? wow wow !!!!!

  11. Aww, he's peaches and he's cream. But seriously as much as I like his imagery, I don't even get how a lot of this is complimentary!

    He missed this one: I am high