Wednesday, October 3, 2012

How Perceptive Are We?

Over Yom Tov I met up with some friends of mine, who moved to 'the big city' for dating purposes. Of course, after all the catching up, we spoke of our dating lives. My friend Chavi had the most horrifying experience, and I feel the need to share it with you all if it will save even one of you, fellow readers, from almost ending up like she did. 
Here's what happened:
She was set up with a guy last minute, and by last minute-she was packing up after a Shabbos at a family when she received a call telling her this guy was in town and he seemed to be here type and he was coming to get her. They went out and all was ok, just 'ok'. The next day they went out again, and being that the guy had to travel back that night, they left like early morning and spent the next 10-12 hours together on a full-day date. All was 'ok' and so they decided to continue on. She was a bit hesitant but the person who suggested the shidduch told her to just 'go with the flow' and 'casually continue with him directly' (in other words-she cut herself outta the picture). They went out again and again and basically they had already planned the wedding, future lives together, etc. The thing is, because they were living in two different cities, almost opposite ends of the continent, most of the dating took place in the more common city=his. Chavi decided to bring the guy home to meet her family, friends and to show him her hometown, where she grew up, the small city, etc. But instead of her friends and family being happy with her-they told her she brought home the wrong guy. She was shocked by this reaction and first, alluded it to her friends being jealous that she finally found the guy. Imagine, how she felt, so happy, so secure in her decision and her close friends telling her he wasn't 'the one'. She was really upset, but when her newly married friends met up with her and the guy, they told her the same, as did her family. She couldn't figure out why everyone was sooo against this guy, especially when she spent so much time with him herself and thought he was great. Then, someone pointed out something he said and asked if it bothered her. She did in fact hear him when he said that 'thing' but decided it was a one time thing and brushed it off. Another relative of hers pointed out to her certain behaviors and asked if it was something that bothered her, but again, she did notice it only once or twice and told herself to only focus on the good. 
Chavi, the positive person she is, decided the negative things were only small things and once off that she had seen/heard, and she figured it was nerves trying to 'tell her' to back off, but she wouldn't allow herself to focus on the negative and she therefore focused on the bigger picture and that he was a great guy. But of course, as more and more people pointed out small things. People who had only just met this guy as an outsider-she realized that this was not just jealousy. She went to speak with her dating mentor who had asked detailed questions and had then informed her that these 'small things' so to speak were an indication to much bigger issues that can seriously affect any relationship. 
She was advised by a Rav to break off the Shidduch, and so, unfortunately, after all the time, energy, and effort of almost getting engaged, she went ahead and broke it off. 
Baruch Hashem, Chavi is now over this hurdle, but it definitely affected her, as it would affect anyone. The purpose of this post is not for everyone to over analyze each date and everything your date says/does and the way he acts, but just to tell you to take things into consideration. If something bothers you, speak to someone about it, if not the actual guy/girl you're dating. If you feel comfortable having your friends/family meet someone who you feel might have potential-then go ahead and do so, as long as everyone is on board. 
Just be aware. Not all the time are people out to get you and jealous. Your family & friends care for you alot, they know you best and want what's best for you-value their opinion and just listen to what they have to say.
May we never know of such things and only have good dates with great guys with only AMAZINGLY happy endings :)


  1. I dont think its appropriate for a shidduch date to have a "happy ending" ...