Friday, October 19, 2012

If you're Interested-MAKE A MOVE

A few years back (ok, make that more than a few...) when I was obsessed with AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) and Jewish chat rooms, I ran into a situation. You see, back then, there was no myspace or facebook, no twitter or pinterest, and 'shidduch resumes' did NOT exist. The 'facebook' of those days was chat rooms. Me, being interested in learning about them and knowing how they work, but still the cautious, naive, Bais Yaakov girl, started to do some experimenting. I went to a few sites, sat there for a while watching the feed move along, the people entering/exiting the chat rooms, and mostly, observing the chat conversations and learning what the lingo meant (for those who are curious, 'asl?' was the common open line). After some time, the Jewish websites starting boasting their own Jewish chat rooms, with members using the same screen name. 
I don't specifically recall the details, but all I know is that from a chatroom, I met this guy. Obviously I wasn't that naive to EVER give any of my information over, not even a hint of my specific details. He provided his screen name and I provided mine and we chatted through AIM messenger. I learned that he was 'of age' and from what he described, sounded like the type of guy I was looking for. We got chatting more and his description started to sound really familiar to a point where I informed him that I believe he was suggested to me in the past. I asked what his initials were, in order to confirm my suspicions and lo and behold they were exactly as I thought! We sent emails back and forth with our information, once I informed him of his name (when he FREAKED out) and this, I thought, was the way I would get the Shidduch to go ahead. In the past, when he was suggested, he kept saying no. When he told me that he had heard about me and was interested, I asked him why he kept saying no? Usually, someone who is interested does something about it, or atleast gives a yes. Sadly, he informed me that his mother was in charge and she decided who he dated or not. 
At that point, I was amazed and at the same time disappointed. Here we were, two (young) adults, who have heard about each other, were even suggested for each other, both of us were interested in getting to know each other more, but we were being roadblocked by his mom!?!?! I was more disappointed in him, being the guy who was in college, becoming a professional, supposedly ready to get married, but couldn't stand up for himself, or even to his mom and say 'here's this girl, I want to date her'. 
Needless to say, I ended our little chat then. I was very direct in informing him that leisurely chat would get us no where and obviously dating wouldn't happen.
I just don't get it-why can't boys/men speak for themselves anymore? Be a man and MAN up!


  1. not sure this was your topic- I agree if a guy is interested he has to speak up either directly to the girl or get a shadchan/ mutual friend involved( I don't think there's shame in the orthodox community going through an intermediary). The girl has to set a personal limit how far she's willing to go with a guy as a friend without dating. from my experience most complicated relationships are more the girls fault(interested guy is too shy- she wants the guys as a friend but not a relationship with him so it

  2. I understand if a guy wants to be a good kid and not defy his mother. But you had been already, officially redd. It's not like you're just anyone off the street. So yeah, he should have manned up and said, "Ma, I want to go out with this girl. And when will supper be ready?"

    One thing I have noticed that as men get older, and if their mother is still controlling their dating life, then they eventually fire her. Happened to me more than once, although the guys weren't exactly worth waiting for.

    If he's still available, I'm guessing his mother no longer has as much of a say as she used to.

  3. if he is stilll available he should totally go out with you, that story has a sad ending , at least u should go out and see what happens? maybe he is your soulmate,but it really is the man`s job to run after the girl not the other way around. I agree he should tell his mom he wants to go out ,if he is ready to get married he should be ready to tell his mom who he wants to date!!!!!!!

  4. Anon-(quite a) few years later the guy got married. Guess the girl his mom chose worked out for him in the end...We were never friends-it was ONE afternoon of chatting, only to realize we already HEARD of each other.

  5. o well. it wudve made a good story and a happy ending for u bt i guess it wasnt meant to be!