Friday, June 8, 2012

Parents Supporting their Kids Choices

I'm in a rut here, so help me out. Most parents out there will tell you, that as long as their kids are happy, nothing else really matters. Especially when it comes to Shidduchim, I've heard time and time again that parents just want their kids to be happy. They mention how they support their child in the decision they will make when they choose a spouse.
Folks, c'mon, how many times has your parents told you 'mammele, as long as you are happy, that's what matters most. I don't care WHO you marry, as long as you are happy with your decision and he makes you happy-then I am happy'. We've all heard it and keep hearing it but is it really true?
I always tease my parents when they say that, and threaten to marry the weirdest, oddest, total extreme-of-what-I'm lookin for and then ask if they will still be happy, but of course, that's just me teasing. 
What sprung this post is that something of that sort is happening to a friend of a relative of mine, and no-she is NOT kidding. This girl, let's call her, 'Chantzie', is a great girl from a great family. They are regular black hatters, boys go to yeshiva, girls go to bais yaakov family, but normal, down-to-earth, outgoing, with-it and dress stylish and put together. I met them a few times so I can definitely vouch that they are, what I would classify as 'normal'. So last week, when my cousin saw Chantzie hanging out with an ethnic guy, who was clearly a non-yid, she did a double take. Then walked the other way to avoid Chantzie feeling awkward. Knowing my cousin, she then walked around for a while and kept her eye on them, to make sure she was really witnessing, what in fact turned out to be a relationship of these two. Again, we're talking mainstream Bais Yaakov, and Chantzie was dressed tznius, but still. Now, that evening my cousin was at a shiur where she met a former Bais Yaakov teacher of hers and Chantzies. Being that she has been out of school for a few years the teacher was asking about what she does, who she hangs out with, who she keeps up with from school, and sure enough Chantzie turned up in the conversation. The teacher somehow let some details spill about it being terribly sad that Chantzie is goin with this guy. No one spoke of specific details to the other, but she said that Chantzie is supporting her boyfriend and he is going for conversion classes.
When my cousin told me this story I was perplexed. Now, I don't know Chantzie personally, like I've mentioned, I've met her and her family a few times when visiting my cousins. BUT, knowing their background,  upbringing, and personalities I can't imagine how this could be. Firstly, her parents are in a terrible state. They are trying to come to terms with what is happening, and at first, thought the relationship would obviously not continue, so they were friendly & supportive of their daughter & this guy (who was not yet her boyfriend) but then once this came to the next stage, they are having a hard time dealing with this. Wouldn't any parent?
At the same time, I was thinking, if they see she is happy, can't they just be happy for her? But to counter that thought, they are probably going through who knows what freaking out about the fact that their daughter is seriously taking this relationship into such consideration and that her boyfriend must be serious if he is willing to go through Geirus, right? I am not jealous at all of this situation. I wouldn't wanna be the daughter or the parents at all. I honestly feel bad for both. 
I just can't help but think, if this continues on and he becomes a Ger and they get married, will this all just be a phase and they will be happy for their daughter's choice or will they mourn the situation for the rest of their lives? I mean, I know of a Bais Yaakov girl (who really was a bit more to the left of BY) who ended up marrying a Ger and you can't even realize when you see him, but they are happy. Then again, it could be that she  married him after he became a Ger....
ok, enough of their ramble, I just feel sooo bad.


  1. I wish my parents were like the people you talk about in paragraph two! They made me break up with a girl I really liked! (you can read about it here, if you'd like: )

  2. So I am a little confused... You say:
    "I mean, I know of a Bais Yaakov girl (who really was a bit more to the left of BY) who ended up marrying a Ger and you can't even realize when you see him, but they are happy."
    Is it a problem to marry a ger? Even if no one knows he is one? So long as they are a true ger and not one of those "ger for marriage" types (which may not be a true geirus), once they are a ger they are a Jew like anyone else. Except that you must treat them nicer than anyone else.
    Why is there a stigma against marrying a ger?
    What is wrong with marrying a ger, and why is it such a surprise that the couple you mentioned are happy?

  3. I think it is a fallacy to say that parents want their children to be happy; the main point is, parents can take a long view and foresee possible results from their children's choices.

    This girl is not being very real, and biting off more than she can chew. He's converting, obviously, just for the sake of marrying her; he also cannot foresee what that entails. Will their child be "happy" a few years down the line? I doubt it.

    What sort of relationship can she be having with this guy if it is not based on religion on some sort of another?

    It's not about their child being "happy." She doesn't know what will make her happy; she's an untried kid.