Was chillin' yesterday with my friend Huvie, who didn't seem her usual cheerful self. After much nudging, and some chocolate(s) later, she explained why.
It seems that someone was looking into her and called the references which she provided on her 'resume', only to be told that she is not 'magazine cover model material'. Now, as Huvie explained, she doesn't believe herself to be gorgeous, stunning, or a model. Yes, she is a size 0-2, stickly skinny, pretty, brilliant, knowledgeable and funny, etc. But, she was bothered because she went through the time to put references whom she trusts. People who she considers her friends and close confidants. Now, I don't know about you, but I hope my friends aka 'references' would never say anything bad about me. I know I don't expect them to lie and use superlatives and exaggerate about my beauty or brains, etc. (that was me being humble-sarcasm), but I hope they atleast make me sound nice and emphasize the chesed I try and do on a weekly basis and confirm that I am a 'good Bais Yaakov girl', etc.
Now, Huvs, was even MORE bothered by the fact that this was the THIRD time she had changed her references.
The first time this happened, a friend of hers who she put as a reference told someone she was a 'serial dater'. Once she found out which friend said this, she was quickly replaced on the list of references with another girl.
Second time, a close friend of hers said something really rude, which I will not post here, and that was a big shock and this girl was really really good with Huvie. She, as well, was replaced on the list.
Third time, Huvie took a good long while to consider those who she really trusted and she made sure to use only MARRIED friends and acquantances as an extra precaution.
And look what happened-someone said something rude yet again!
So, while I totally understand her frustration and really feel bad about this, I have a question-Halachically-is she allowed to ask who this girl is who is saying this, or is the 'shadchan' allowed to tell her who this girl is, if it will save her from ruining future Shidduchim?