you know how, once you go through certain life experiences, it changes you?
Well, I feel like I've been changed, but in a good way. I have matured, 'learned my lessons'-so to speak, and have become a better person (I hope).
However, when it comes to Shidduchim, I'm hesitant. I've lost trust in people. People who are doing the 'redd'ing, people who are the references, people who are suggesting, and guys I actually date. I've lost trust over time, over disappointments, etc. you know the drill....
In any case, I think trust is a major part of relationships-if you don't trust the guy, how the heck are you gonna marry him and live with him the rest of your life?
Well, today, ladies & gents, my trust has been diminished a little bit more. I'm telling you think for a purpose-to learn from this, apply it to your daily life and who knows what.
Here's what happened: A Shadchan called to 'redd' me to a guy. Somehow, the name sounded really familiar. Then it hit me-I went out with him AGES ago, and by ages i mean, literally. Thinking about him, I remember he was goodlooking, charming, funny, cute, etc. I remember REALLY wanting it to work between us, but after just one date, there wasn't that much chemistry. Bummer, right?
Anyhoo, sure enough, on onlysimchas I saw he got married, had kids, etc. Great, for him alteast!
Then a few months ago, or maybe even a year ago, I heard he got divorced. Such a shame, as he looked really happy in the pix, but you never know....
So, I'm thinking, this Shadchan, who apparently never met me, and 'just got hold of my info', why wouldn't she mention that this guy just 'happened to be divorced with kids?', I mean, it's not a secret and I would find out ANYWAY, right? Actually, perhaps I wouldn't find out anyway. See, let's say I would call references, they would say 'he's a great guy, friendly, outgoing, smart, witty, responsible, etc.' but why would they mention he just happens to be divorced with a family? They probably think that the girl who is calling already was informed of this, as it is obvious info.
Then I go on imagining, what if I DIDN'T date this guy, or what if I didn't HEAR that this guy got married, had a family and then divorced? I would call references, hear good info, and just go for it. Then, 5 dates later, when he mentions how adorable his son was in his school play, my haw would drop and I would be like, huh? your sssssooon??? WHAT?!?! U HAVE KIDS?!?!?
well, that's the end of that scenario. So, dear friends, I tell you this because I feel that at this point in time, we havta ask the OBVIOUS questions when calling references. So I think I'll compile a list of the following questions and feel free to add:
1. Is s/he single?
2. Is s/he Yeshivish/Chassidish/Lubavitch/MO/BT/Giyores or Ger/Sefardi?
3. Is s/he fat?
4. Is s/he ugly like heck?
5. Does s/he have any medical issues?
6. Is the family normal or crazy?
7. Are the parents divorced, or were they? If so, what kind of people did they marry?
8. Is s/he Black? Chinese? Jewish?
9. Do they speak English? (believe it or not, I was 'redd' to a guy recently, only to find out-when I called a friend of mine, that he didn't even speak English!)
10. Did s/he go to school? dropout? homeschooled?
11. Any criminal records?
12. Any abuse in the family?
Feel free to add your questions here!