Thursday, December 10, 2009

It is a "Go? or NoGo?"

My friend Huvi called me last night all stressed out. She's in a predicament and doesn't know what to do. She knows about this blog and suggested I post her 'situation' for you, fellow readers, to comment on.
Here's the sitch (situation):
Huvi was 'redd' to this guy from (where else? but) the Brooklyn. The Shadchan never met her before but they spoke on the phone and this is the first shidduch the Shadchan is redding Huvi. The Shadchan is redding her to a nice boy from Brooklyn, currently learning in BMG (Lakewood) and she knows the boy and his family very well. This Shidduch was redd about 3 weeks ago. Huvi was given ONE, yes ladies & gents, just ONE day to look into this guy and give an answer. She called the 2 references she was given and said "yes", but being that she was just in NY the week before for a date, she couldn't go down again (she has 3 workdays left to take off!). She asked if the boy can come down.
[side note: the boy has a married brother living in the same city as Huvi and actually knows Huvi's family quite well]
The Shadchan asked the boy who said, "no, he won't come down". She asked Huvi if Huvi can come in, perhaps 2 weeks time, over Chanuka.
Huvi wasn't sure what would happen by then, but because she was burnt by the last date she traveled to NY for, and the guy promised to come in, yet after their date in NY, decided he wasn't interested in out of town girls, Huvi asked the Shadchan to ensure this boy, if he was interested after the first date, would be willing to travel and is ok with dating an out of town girl.
The Shadchan called back informing Huvi that the boy was willing to travel only if the girl came to NY first, "because he has sooo many girls to go out with in NY, so why would he travel?". The Shadchan even told Huvi that the boy's entire family, including married brother from Huvi's city, were bugging the boy to travel in first, the boy would no way here of traveling.
So, we're now 2.5 weeks after the 'yes's were given from both sides and the boy is not willing at all to travel, yet the boy called the Shadchan 2-3 times yesterday asking for an answer as to whether Huvi will come to NY, or just forget it (if she doesn't go, he ain't comin, and it gets dropped). The Shadchan, in turn, called Huvi, and Huvi, my dear friends, is STRESSED to the max and doesn't know what to do.
[side note: Huvi has 3 days off for Chanuka and would like to spend atleast SOME of her time off with her friends, Chanuka parties, etc.]
So, big question for today is: does she GO? or is this a NoGo?


  1. It's rude, NoGo.
    Doesn't the boy have some time off from BMG for Channuka? He should come to her. If he is fine with dating a girl from out of town, he should be able to come in for the first date and not insert a supplication that she has to come to NY first.
    It's really just plain rude.

  2. It's really hard to just take and say for someone and then it would turn out (in Olam Aba that it was because of this comment) zivugim didn't meet, buuuut IMO it is somewhat rude...

  3. it's just a simple courtesy from the boy to go to the girl's town at least for the first date.
    if he can't do this simple hesed I worry about him, this can be a sign that he may be too much selfish to marry, looks like he still needs to work on himself more before he can get married.

  4. DO NOT GO....

    what even start with someone who is so arrogant and not even willing to bend on something so simple! Isnt it the boys job to court the girl?

    Save your positive energy for something that is more shayach!

  5. "he has sooo many girls to go out with in NY, so why would he travel?"

    This approach seems stupid to me. He should not be looking to date 'sooo many girls', he should be looking to date the one girl who will eventually become his wife. At that level it shouldn't matter where the person is, you travel to see them if you think they might be your beshert. Finished.

    On the other hand, maybe they are perfect for each other. I don't know. If I were in her situation, I would probably try to do some more extensive reference checks, to be sure that the trip is worth her while if she goes.

    Personally, I was supposed to meet someone who lives on another continent. She was going to fly here (anyway) but cancelled, so I will now be flying to meet here over there. That's just how it works sometimes.

    And most important of all, tell Huvi not to stress over it. Whichever way it works out it is Hashem's Ratzon, so she might as well be happy about her decision.

  6. He's a dreck.

    Being a learner, you would think he had found the passage about seeking a bride.

    Considering how his brother knows her family, basic chivalry (not even mideaval, basic), and halacha, he is supposed to travel to her.

    This sort of behavior is a big inidicator. Tell Huvi that a bunch of anaonymous people thinks she is worthy of a better guy.

  7. Thanks for posting & keep the comments comin! I agree with most of you=the guy should travel (it IS, after all, the gentleman thing to do...).

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  9. Hmmm, here's what I say: Tell the boy to $#%!%$^!#$. Which in good english can be translated as: Gently go fly a kite and perhaps with a bit of luck the kite will be strong enough to carry the boy into the mouth of a volcano where he can be left stranded until he sees the error of his ways. I believe in flexibility, but come ON, he even has a place to stay in the city of your friend and time OFF. Let him come here. Hatzlacha!

  10. wow!
    Can I just say all these posts make me feel soooo good. I'm afraid that I have reached the point where I have begun to doubt myself, but reading your comments has made me realize I'm not the only crazy one. Thank you random anonymous people who think I deserve better than this. I hate that the so-called shidduch system allows us to feel as though we are worthless, or a dime a dozen. I hate feeling stressed about these kinds of situations, and yet when you reach a certain age and live at home, and shidduchim are not going easily, you tend to stress about these things. But I am in total nad COMPLETE agreement with all of you, this whole story makes this guy sound like his head is swollen. It is unfortunate when you live out of town, and you are a girl ther are already 2 things against you. I've b"h had quite a few guys travel into see me even for a first date, who were much busier and yet they made it even in bad weather, so I truly don't understand this guy or the shadchan. I know that when you are an "oot" (out of towner) u need to travel but come on, this guy has advantages that I don't, right?

    In any case, just wanted to say thanks to all of you, for reminding me, there are still some NORMAL people out there, somewhere in the world!

  11. We're there too. Well, I live near NYC, but about the other stuff. Whenever I've sold myself short nothing good came out of that date.

    One just has to keep reminding herself that G-d is the matchmaker, and not to put your faith in friends/neighbors/relatives who don't seem to be calling . . .