Thursday, November 6, 2014

the Timing Clause

A Contract. That's how I would describe entering into each new Shidduch. With every 'shadchan', comes his/her certain clauses, e.g. you must send a pic, you must come and meet me first, your resume must list your degrees/hobbies, etc.
With every suggestion that comes through, there are also clauses, e.g. the boy wants to date only young/beautiful/skinny/blond, or the boy's family only dates in towners.
There are also but-factor clauses, e.g. the boy will go out with you, but only if you come to date him, or the boy usually doesn't date girls younger than him however if you will plan on supporting his learning, they have agreed to make an exception, etc.
So every time the phone rings/beeps or buzzes, forgive me for having a mini anxiety attack about the clauses and conditions that each suggestion brings.
Yes, I've given in. I've sent my pic to about a dozen people, I've even sent other pix when they've not approved and asked for close up/full length/hair out of face/higher resolution, etc. I've agreed to travel in, I've agreed to meet the shadchans first, etc.
My one pet-peeve that comes from both the shadchans, as well as the boy/his family is the timing clause. Y'know where the guy can check into a girl for weeks, perhaps even months at a time, and the girl gets 1 day, or 2 days MAX to make her decision. 
and if she can't get through to her connections or the references on the paper?
What if no one that she calls is available or in town or doesn't know the answers to her questions, or hasn't been in touch with the boy for years?
Do the Shadchans understand that?? uhhh, no.
The way I see it, and the way which I have been spoken to in the past with these kind of shadchanim is the whole 'well, do you want to get married or not? I don't see what the delay is? he's a GREAT guy, from a WONDERFUL family, so what's there so much to look into? Why is it taking so long to get back to us? Boys like this don't wait around for girls (like you), so if we don't have an answer soon he will have to move on to the next girl on the list. You should be lucky that he is waiting so long to hear back from you'
Ya, so the way I see it, if we are pressured into making a decision on the fly, most of us (that I know of anyway) will not allow that pressure of timing to push us into going out with anyone without feeling comfortable and checking into the situation. A really decent guy from a good family wouldn't pressure someone like that, he would be a (bit more) understanding.
Hope it's worth your wait!


  1. A guy doesn't pressure, the Shadchan does. (Though it is true, if you don't get back within a week, he will be dating someone else.)

  2. I go with bashert is bashert. If you need a couple of days while he his family spent a month researching you, that shouldn't be considered unreasonable. I was mad at one shadchan who kept hocking me after a neighbor told me that weeks ago the boy's father had called her, while I asked for a little more time (a couple of days) and the shadchan drove me nuts. And the guy, in the end, was not worth it. Ah, nice squirming memories!