Tuesday, April 9, 2013

To Pursue or be Pursued?

I'm usually the girl who gets stuck with the guys that are 'madly' in love and have 'deep connected feelings' after a date or two. It's very frustrating to be in that position, especially when I'm the one who's just getting to BEGIN to know the guy and he's already planning the wedding and after. I've even had a guy tell me flat out that he's ready to go ahead without me even having to meet his parents and that his Rebbi told him he should know by the second date (this was the third-oish, we were in overtime here). That's not the kind of line that would make me want to even continue dating. 
Don't get me wrong-you can't blame someone for their feelings, everyone has feelings and they have legit feelings. Some people feel quicker than others, some are more verbal about their feelings and some are more expressive. It's just after meeting someone for a couple of hours, HOW do they know?
In any case, there's this guy that was suggested to me. His name came up numerous times over the past few months and it sounded like he's really my speed. But each time it gets mentioned, I'm totally ready to go out (and 'unbusy' in shidduch terms) and he's 'busy' or 'working' or in middle of a conference, etc. Basically, he has legitimate excuses for not being 'available' that the point when it's redd and when I am. The people that suggested him and spoke with him get back to me with 'he really wants to go out with you but...' but is it true or is this a delay tactic or is he really not interested? At the same time, are there people who really want to go out with someone based on information alone?
In any case, I decided to take things into my own hands, after all, if I can't help myself who can? I called the last person who redd the shidduch and asked her to find out what he's up to. I have yet to hear back. In the interim, I was speaking to my friend Chani about the story and she told me not to bother pursuing the Shidduch. I must admit I was shocked, especially as Chani is a really close friend of mine. She went on to explain that if I call the woman and/or others who redd the shidduch over the past year to get them to find out what the story is, it just makes me look desperate. It might also push the guy away if he feels like he is being pursued as opposed to him being the pursuer. She told me that some men like to have the ball in their court, to make the decision as the 'Alpha Male' so to spoke and to be the pursuer.
Do I take her suggestion and wait or take charge?


  1. You have nothing to lose by asking the shadchan to look into it, i think. I think men who are dating for marraige arnt interested in 'the game'.

  2. I'm currently in the same boat. There is this bachelor who was suggested to me repeatedly over the past few years, but the person never followed up, he was seeing someone, he's now on a "dating break", whatever that means . . .

    I thought I would take the initiative once or twice, but nothing came from it. Then I decided: Enough. I'm the girl, I shouldn't have to do this. I know my own worth, and if he doesn't want to bother buying me a coffee, that is his loss.