Saturday, April 13, 2013

Is Common Courtesy Uncommon?

We've all heard many a dating horror story. Heck-I've lived some of them myself. But one of the most common denominators of the horror stories is lack of decency, or shall I see indecency on the guy's part. Now, I'm not doing this to bash guys-of course, I'm sure the same goes for some girls (but that'll be for my next post), but I'm just trying to cause 'awareness' on behalf of the girls so that in future-whichever guy reads this, might first think about the girl before hurting her/her feelings.
Here's an example: my friend Shaindy was supposed to date said guy, let's call him Moshe. So the Shidduch was suggested numerous times by different people. Finally they both gave the 'yes' and Shaindy was told that Moshe cannot come in. Then she was told, he would not come in. Even though he had relatives in her 'out-of-town' city and he worked for his dad, he refused to come. So Shaindy made all the reservations and did all the preparations. She called around trying to find a substitute. When she finally managed to track one down, she then prepared for all her classes. She then met with the substitute to teach her what she had to teach whilst Shaindy was gone. Then she called the airlines, the train and of course, trust Greyhound to see how she can travel. Of course the airlines were quite expensive, the train took forever and only left/arrived at the most insane hours. It was back on the greyhound bus, as was usual when she had to travel to New York for dates. Turns out luck was not on her side, the bus came late and then got stuck. All in all, the trip was 10 hours. She arrived and Moshe came to pick her up. He didn't ask about her trip, or care to ask if she was hungry (it was a date around lunch hour). Instead he drove to the city and they went to a hotel lounge. They sat around for many hours, she was starving, not to mention exhausted from not sleeping. He decided not to go back to the car but to walk around the city, being that she was from 'out of town'. So they left the hotel and went walking. Albeit, she was in 4 inch heels, trotting behind him. Oh-and get this-it started to drizzle. So her perfectly blowdryed hair now looked like an afro. Her beautiful material shoes were getting ruined by the rain. Her feet were hurting, she was starving, yet Moshe didn't seem to notice/care. Finally he dropped her off way past the typical '3 hour' first date. Needless to say Shaindy didn't go out again.
There's also my friend Rivky. The guy told her he would pick her up for a 'day' date but not casual. It was a Friday. She flew in the day before so she was able to have a 'proper' date. The guy showed up and walked to his car-which turned out to be a jeep-the ones with the heightened tires. Try getting into a car tzniusdikly whilst wearing a straight pencil skirt & 3 inch heels-that's what took Rivky what she claimed to be forever-whilst her date stood holding the door, waiting for her to be seated properly before closing it. They ended up going to a botanical garden. Apparently there was a storm the night before, so the grass was all wet and muddy. She was told it wouldn't be casual and was wearing her traditional 3 inch heels. They walked around for the entire date. She didn't know how to tell him nicely-that if this is what he planned he should've first atleast hinted that there would be a lot of walking/outdoors/dress properly. Instead she walked quietly, pained by the soreness in her feet, the mud/wet sloshy grass which now covered her heels which were walked off. He dropped her off within an hour of Shabbos-also not thoughtful. She got back to the host where she was staying, with less than an hour to call her family/shadchan, get ready, etc. It was frustrating and upsetting and ruined her Shabbos. Oh-and I forgot to mention, they set her up with a guy who looked to be middle-aged and was full fledged Chassidish (we're talking beird, gartel, bekeshe & bent up hat) when she was told he was a college, modern-orthodox type.

So to all you men out there bear in mind the following.
a) Girls don't like when their hair gets ruined. It takes lots of time preparing for a date/to look good. Most of it is spent on hair. So if it's raining/windy/snowing/humid try and avoid it at all costs, or pack an umbrella in case there is a chance of showers and it's always best to advise the girl if you will be heading outdoors-this way she can better prepare herself.
b) Heels are NOT comfortable-not matter what anyone says. Especially when you're spending most of your time standing/walking in them. When taking a girl out, try and keep in mind the amount of time walking and where you are going. e.g. boardwalks, hiking, nature outings are NOT meant for heels.
*side note: I once went out with a guy and on the way back to the car he noticed that to get to the parking lot we had to walk across a metal gridded plank. He looked back and me in my heels and realized my heel could get caught and asked me to wait whilst he got the car. Good call :)
c) Girls will not tell you they are hungry (atleast most girls I know) or thirsty. It's always good to ask, just in case. Especially if you are going out around a mealtime (breakfast/lunch/supper), it's always good to ask, but not when you're in the car or nowhere near food. A girl will feel bad saying she is if she knows you will have to go out of your way to satisfy her. If you're already in a place with food, she will feel more comfortable agreeing to get something to drink/eat.
d) If you are having an excellent time on the date, try and 'read' the girl and see if she is too. Most of the time, we fake it because we feel bad and don't want to be rude. Always ask if you're not sure. Ask if it's OK to stay out late, to go for (another) walk, or to just 'talk' in the car.
Lastly, honesty is the best policy. Be open and honest about your expectations and the date itself. If you're not sure ALWAYS ASK, put the ball in her court and let her speak/decide/answer.


  1. That's the problem: If a guy doesn't notice such things, he's not reading this. I mean, seriously, this girl travels in and he doesn't feed her?

    In my case, I would not want to be asked, because I am not going to spend a date's money. If he wants to feed me, cool, but if he would ask me, "So, what would you prefer, dinner or drinks," what am I going to say? It's all his call.

    Even flats aren't necessarily comfortable. Blah.

  2. Since heels are not comfortable, you should simply stop wearing them, period.

    This is just Common Sense, but Common Sense is not always common.

    1. And your apparently one of the schmucks she is talking about. You are the guy who would say "the girl did it to herself, let her walk"

  3. Well said Anonymous.

    These truly are horror stories. I wasn't expecting them to be as bad as they were.

    As far as the travelling goes, I can understand that. I don't travel either. Not because of the expense of it but due to my responsibilities where I live. So when I'm suggested a girl, the first thing I ask is where she lives. If she's not within an hour and a half from me, I say no for that reason alone. I know that many people are willing, or are forced, to travel, but along with that should come the appreciation that some people can't just pick up and leave everything for a day or two or three.

    As for the rest of it, ouch.

  4. Mr. Cohen is correct.

    Your future husband must love you for what you are, not for a pair of shoes.

    1. I'm sorry, how did you interpret what Mr. Cohen said into "Your future husband must love you for what you are, not for a pair of shoes."?

  5. I also agree with Mr. Cohen.

  6. I know Mr. Cohen in real life: For decades, he has tried to help his fellow Jews any way he can, both spiritually and materially, even though his efforts are never rewarded with money or kavod or even compensation for his expenses. He deserves better than to be attacked by anonymous bloggers who might not even be Jewish. I feel disappointed that the blog moderator permits this type of attack on her blog.

    1. "Who might not even be Jewish"? There are only three of us who have commented, and for two of us, would you take the time to read our respective blogs, it would become quite apparent to you that we are both Orthodox, never mind Jewish. The third commentator, the ONLY anonymous one, I agree with you that ad hominem attacks are uncalled for (although using the word schmuck would be an indication that he or she is, in fact, Jewish. That's what happens when someone's comments contribute nothings to the conversation.

      The other commentators, throwing their support behind Mr. Cohen, ironically, are the anonymous ones.