Sunday, January 27, 2013

Why One Can Never Judge...

We are told not to judge others and we are taught this from childhood on, be it in school, at home, etc. Yet, it is a natural  tendency to do so. I, personally, hate it when people judge others, however, I tend to do the same. Here's the classic example: Each time I walk into the library, after searching for the book(s) I had in mind, I quickly glance at the 'new book' section and base my new read on the cover alone. Yes, it's pathetic, but in this specific situation (luv chiclit), it's quite easy based on font/color/image/layout and title. 
Anyway, in terms of dating, we are all judging and being judged on dates, even before dates-we get a photo, a resume, a 'glowing' report from a reference and based on all the info, we make a small judgment. 
How about when the guy shows up at the door? A quick sum up of his appearance and we already know it's gonna end bad. Sometimes we are spot on, but some times there may be a reason, another story or a total surprise of a guy hiding underneath the appearance.
Here's one very specific reason why we shouldn't judge.
In the last few months, among other suggestions, I've been suggested the same guy from a few different people. Being in the Shidduch game for quite a few years already-I don't take this as a sign, or a reason we must date (since it was brought up more than once, by a few different people...), I just go with the flow and move along as with any other Shidduch-I tell the person suggesting it to redd it to the guy first. If he says yes, then I get the info and do the research. 
Now, in terms of this specific guy-he was redd numerous times but each time, after someone would call us with the name, we would never hear back at all. It was just this random phantom name we kept hearing about but nothing else. Anyway, the last time it was suggested, the person redding it informed me that it must mean something if it was suggested so many times and why hasn't the boy said yes, they couldn't understand, but vowed to get back to me. After many requests (email, info, photo, etc), I still told them I was not doing any research as history has already proven the guy isn't interested/never got back, and just to leave it and not make herself crazy.
Oddly enough, this persistent person got back to me and informed me that the reason we never heard back after all these months, after the numerous suggestions was because it never got past my name. Confused? So was I, but there's what they said-after seeing my name (top of resume, large, bold font) they realized that the guy's mom has the same name (well, she does have a double name, but one of those is mine) and they don't date girls with the same name as the mom. OK, each person has their own thing, that's cool. But why hasn't anyone told me this before?!?! so for month I just thought he wasn't interested or I made up excuses as to why he said no, etc. Again, I know NOTHING about the guy, just his name, but in my mind I had a whole list of judgments about him. Never once did I think up the actual reason.
So all you out there-always find out the real reason from a trustworthy/reliable source, if not from the actual source itself. Mostly, let this be a lesson that we should try and really not judge others. As extreme as the reason may sound-it might actually be the truth!


  1. Our family joke is how my sister has one of the same names as her mother-in-law. They pronounce it differently, but we still use it as an example how one can never know who one will end up with.

  2. The blog moderator said:
    "I know NOTHING about the guy, just his name, but in my mind I had a whole list of judgments about him."

    Unfortunately, this is not unusual for women, including those who claim to be observant. If they were really observant, they would judge other people favorably.

    I once saw three allegedly-observant women speak with each other for an hour; during that hour, their entire conversation was inventing false slanders against Jewish men they knew nothing about, except for the names of those men.