Sunday, February 26, 2012

To Be, or Not To Be?...YOURSELF

After hearing this many times, I have (finally) decided to post about it.
Many shadchanim, professionals, family members, and even friends request them. Email them, send them, fax them, mail them. Even the people who know you best will ask for it. The people who you never even heard of will request it. It is sent all around the world, literally-your personal information. There is no one set template and therefore, because, what I claim to be-simple 'laziness' of people, the shidduch world has gotten to these resumes.
For those of you who can remember-think back just a few years ago-there was no such a thing. The shadchan or person 'redding' the shidduch would call, you would give them any information over the phone, they would write it and finished. Same thing when someone was 'redd' to you-you would get a pen and paper, or even your phone/laptop and jot down the info they gave you. But no siree folks, we have become lazy and everyone just wants the whole 411 given to them, on a silver platter.
Fine, so we all went ahead and drew up whatever a 'resume' was supposed to contain.
When I was first asked for one, I wrote down the exact info that I seek to know about a guy. The main stuff-names, age, shul, jobs, personality, schools, references, etc.
Lately, though, people have become picky, in their requests. I found that there were so many critiques about my resume. Either it was too much info, or not enough info. Some people wanted to remove items listed and others wanted to change info. It got to a point where a Shadchan who I never met, but spoke with on the phone, called to inform me that it was so well written and described me so well, she really got a feel for who I am and what I am looking for (YAY!)
But, this past week, I received a call about my resume, once again. The woman sorta knows me. The type you meet once a while, whilst running an errand for your parents, she smiles and gives you the elevator stare-you smile back awkwardly and leave as soon as humanly possible.
Anyway, she called to say that someone called her about me and she sent my resume, but there were certain items on the resume she felt I should remove. I was annoyed by this, especially as it was describing my personality and who I was and my frumkeit. I told her I was not willing to 'leave out' things about me, and this is who I am, I am not out there to lie, or deceive people. If they don't like it, tough.
She, on the other hand, went on a whole rant about how the shidduch world is a game these days, and how you havta do whatever has to be done just to get a guy to agree, etc. I was totally disgusted with this attitude, but it didn't shock me-I've heard it before from plenty of people. I am unlike alot of people in that sense=I don't pretend to be someone else. This is who I am-this is me, you don't like it-great, another guy crossed off my list. I don't wanna waste anyone's time. And, because this is who I am, this is what I appreciate in a guy-honesty, straight outright openness, no faking who you are. Just BE yourself.
Turns out, I found out later on, that the woman went ahead and modified my resume, removing whichever parts of my personality, she felt would not appeal to the guy. Guess what, though? the boy got hold of my REAL resume and said no, based on my personality. So who was right in the long run? Had he only received the modified version and agreed to go out with me, and umpteen dates later, found out about the real me and who I am, he would've been upset that he was deceived, I would've been annoyed that he never knew that-when I have an outright say on my own resume and it would've wasted both our times and emotions.
So, I say to all you people=TO BE yourself, your TRUE self, is the correct, ethical and responsible way to go about shidduchim.

1 comment:

  1. The main irritation as a single female is how we are, apparently, mental incompetents. We are doing something, albeit in a miniscule fashion, that is ensuring our single state.

    As long we don't let their opinions lay waste to our egos, we should be good.