Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Being Your Own Shadchan

Wouldn't life be great if you can just be your own Shadchan? I know some people who are happily married with a few children and they made their own Shidduch. I like to say their Shadchan was 'aol instant messenger' or 'united airlines flight A123' to Sem/Yeshiva in Israel :)
This thought brings me back a good few years to when chat rooms and instant messenger were the social media of those days. It was considered a daring thing to go onto chat-rooms and reveal you ASL, so we always made them up. Of course, being that this type of media was taking over, the Shidduch world decided to create some of their own 'monitored' shidduch-purposed chat-rooms. I remember that my curiosity got the best of me and I logged in and just watched the conversations going on between the few people logged in. After a while, I realized that one of the people, who claimed to be a guy, gave the girl he was chatting with, a link to his profile page on one of the frum dating sites. I clicked on the link (like I said, curiosity got the better of me) and realized that his information sounded all too familiar.
Sure, enough I chatted with him in the chat room, got some more details and realized, this guy was suggested to me over and over again. We exchanged email addresses and chatted through instant messenger. I think I spent hours that Sunday afternoon chatting with this guy. After all, I was interested in going out with him, but for some 'unknown' reason, he kept turning me down. Bold as I was, I asked him why he was even bothering to chat with me and asking me questions if he kept saying no. He admitted that his mom was in charge of his Shidduchim and 'handled things'. I asked if he even knew I was suggested. He informed me that he did come across my name in his mom's book and asked who I was, as my info interested him. But, he claimed, his mom said there were others he should date first, before choosing to date an out of towner.
I was sorta happy that atleast he did know I was an option, but at the same time, he must've been atleast 25 and could make his own decisions. I mean, here we were, two adults, in the Shidduch world, looking to get married. We both seemed interested in the other, and we were chatting to each other online. What's there to be stopping him from saying 'yes' to a simple date. 
However, he seemed to be letting his mom make decisions.
I guess, in retrospect, being your own Shadchan can indeed have it's consequences, but it seems unlikely. In that situation the boy himself wasn't being his own Shadchan-he was letting his mom take over :P


  1. Maybe he was subjugating himself to his mother, or maybe he was using his mother as an excuse. It's very handy to have a built-in excuse.

  2. I was my own shadchan. I still used Shadchanim, but i was the one that found my husband. I hope you find your beshert soon!