Most of us singles in the Shidduch World have heard the expression "no pressure" many times!
It's always used before you go out, as in 'well, if you don't like the information you received from references---no pressure----no one is forcing you to go out with him"
or-whilst you're dating: "no one can decide except for you. But don't worry---no pressure---take your time to make your decision"
However, as much as everyone keeps saying 'no pressure' there is ALWAYS pressure. Especially in the Jewish ways of dating. Time=pressure. Most people, either Shadchanim or the guy/girl or their respective families don't like to let things schlep. Most girls are thinkers-they gotta make sure it makes sense in their heads as well as their hearts and its takes TIME for them to get comfortable, to make a decision, etc.
And, aside from all the 'unsaid' pressures, there is pressure to be thin, good looking, outgoing, the most wanted bachelor/ette, noticed by others, etc.
AND, if it makes it any worse, once you get engaged, there's still pressure-but at different levels. Pressure to maintain the (skinny figure) weight you've probably lost from the nerves of dating/getting engaged, to make sure you have the 'right' gown, 'AMAZING' sheitel, clothes, house, etc. Then you get married. Pressure on an entirely new level. Now you're in a new category: "newlywed". So it's pressure to be the 'cutest couple'. To get pregnant, start a family, have kids, host dinner parties, have an awesome house, show off your spouse, etc. etc.
But, if I thought we, as single-in-shidduchim have it bad. If I thought, the entire frum world is staring and 'noticing us' in a pitiful way and the unsaid pressure they are thinking-then Poor Princess Catherine-and the pressure that the entire world is putting on her to, well, as the Brits so eloquently put it 'produce an heir'.....withing 9 months.....or else!
There is no pressure if one does not allow herself to be subject to society's whimsy. The fact is, society doesn't care all that much. It's just one or two stupid people who think they can say whatever they like.
ReplyDeletewhat she said.
ReplyDeleteeast to say , hard to think !!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned: "Pressure on an entirely new level. Now you're in a new category: "newlywed". So it's pressure to be the 'cutest couple'. To get pregnant, start a family, have kids, host dinner parties, have an awesome house, show off your spouse, etc. etc."
ReplyDeleteJust want to say that most of that stuff doesn't matter in life. If there's pressure at all, it should be on making sure your relationship stays strong. Pressure to show off is just stupid.
I agree with Princess Lea and Sad Jewish Girl. The only worthwhile pressure is to make sure you always work on your marriage and make it stronger, better and more vibrant. Before that point, it behooves everyone to tune out the peanut gallery and focus on the important things: getting to know your own wants and needs, getting to know the person you're dating to see if he/she can fulfill them, and you theirs, and make a well. thought out decision with the help of advice from important people you trust and only want the best for you.
ReplyDeleteexactly what the others said.... it is only pressure if you allow it to be. Everyone lives at their OWN pace. i had a huge pressure to graduate college in 4 years, because all my friends were and they thought it was insane that i took longer. But guess what, it took me 5 years and nobody gives a darn!! especially not me
ReplyDeleteAs the mother of 2 in shidduchim, I can tell you that there is a LOT of pressure. I feel it differently than my kids but it is real and not at all subtle. True story: Went to meet "the girl's mom". She tells me, well, they have gone out 8 times, we know where this is going. I am thinking, no we don't, I dont assume anything, cuz assume makes an A** out of u and me...well, more pressure ensued, they got engaged and you can assume the rest of the story.It all fell apart pretty quickly after that. My son says: Being engaged is the new dating! Our new rule, if there is pressure, RUN HARD, FAST, IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
ReplyDelete