Monday, December 12, 2011

The 2-date minimum

Being an out-of-towner, whenever I come to NY or the boy's city for a date, most shadchanim will ask for a 2-date minimum, meaning the guy has to agree to atleast 2 dates. I sorta agree and disagree with this.
For one, I guess it is polite and well-mannered to atleast show that you are willing to give it a second try (unless something is terribly wrong with the date/girl/guy, or obviously not shayach at all after date #1) and at the same time, usually when someone is traveling, they stay for atleast more than one day and being that the purpose they are traveling is solely for dating, its sorta an understandable thing to do.
I've been asked the same when boys come to my town to date.
I disagree with the fact that sometimes, when its a clear "no" after date #1, going out again would clearly be leading the other party on and make them think you are interested when really you are not. I've always felt bad about this, especially when the guy knows NO ONE in my town and so if the Shadchan really bothers me about this, I clearly say that I don't mind taking him out, showing him around town, etc. but as long as he knows I'm not interested-that's when the Shadchan usually turns my offer down.
Last week, my good friend Shaindy went to NY. It was a really long trip and she went out with the guy on a first date. She came back and was waiting to hear if there was going to be another date the next day or if she should arrange to take the next bus/train/flight/ride back. Either way, she was sorta in limbo for 1-2 hours waiting to hear back from the shadchan, and with time ticking by in regards to last minute reservations either for travel, or for work.
FINALLY, the shadchan called her. This is a 2-date minimum shadchan. She also told Shaindy that she HAS TO travel for this boy as no one says "no" to him and he has a list and cannot wait even 3 days for her to travel. In any case, the shadchan just told her that the boy said it wasn't for him.
Needless to say, Shaindy actually though the guy was soo polite and mentchlech, she didn't even get the impression he wasn't interested, but with 1 hour left to catch the last flight/train/bus/ride out, she quickly tried to arrange her schedule.
So, do I think he was right in not going on a 2nd date in this case? Yes, atleast he was polite and the date was pleasant and he didn't lead her on or make her waste another day of work/travel, knowing he wasn't interested. Would it have killed him to take her out again? absolutely not, but what would that accomplish?

I think that shadchanim should establish a 2 hour Maximum-which means that after a date ends, both parties have 2 hours MAX to call the shadchan with their decision, especially when its with out-of-towners, so they know where they stand and so they can make whatever arranegments are necessary, instead of waiting in limbo and not knowing what to do.


  1. He was polite and menschlach but no one says no to him and he has a list and he cannot wait and she had to travel?

    I'm not seeing it.

  2. I guess it's a rule that makes sense for an out of towner but not so much for 2 locals.

    Dating is hard enough as it is, to prepare and go out on a (cab, drinks....) date is too high a price just for the sake of politeness I find.