1. You know to always bring a jacket no matter what the temperature is.
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2. Meanwhile, she’s never a comfortable temperature. But she doesn’t want to burden anyone else.
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7. Also, she wants to know what you want to eat when you come home. In a month.
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9. You have a strong preference when it comes to savory or sweet kugel. (SWEET.)
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10. You were forbidden from ever getting a tattoo. She still asks you about this.
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11. She just wants you to know you’ll never get a job with a tattoo. Or with those clothes. Or with your hair like that.
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12. She says she loves you no matter what your sexual orientation, just raise the children Jewish.
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13. She’d prefer you marry a Jew, but if you don’t, it’s not the end of the world. Just raise the children Jewish.
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14. And what does he do? It doesn’t matter if he’s a doctor. It would just be nice, that’s all.
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15. Every phone conversation is about how to meet a nice Jewish boy or girl.
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16. Every phone conversation is also about what you need to do with your life. (Never mind that you’re doing just fine.)
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17. She will set you up with Ruth’s boy. You know Ruth? From the synagogue? She ushers on Friday nights.
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18. Twenty years later, she’s still talking about your Bar or Bat Mitzvah on a regular basis.
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19. But only because she doesn’t have a wedding to talk about yet. HAVE YOU MET ANY NICE JEWISH BOYS OR GIRLS LATELY?
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21. If you tell your mom you’re sick, the entire family will know within the hour.
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23. That’s if she’s figured out how to text. She’s not great with new technology.
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24. If you don’t call back immediately, you’re going to get guilt. She knows you’re busy, she just worries.
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25. She wants to know if what you’re doing is safe. If it’s not safe, she’ll kill you.
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26. You come in wearing a vintage ripped T-shirt, and she says, “What is this shmata?”
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28. She throws out Yiddish phrases like “baruch hashem” and “kein ayin hara” regardless of context.
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29. She doesn’t need you to pick her up at the airport. She’ll take a taxi. Don’t worry. (Hint: You HAVE to pick her up.)
31. You know that anything bad you do is “killing your mother.” Or anything you do at all, really.
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32. You accept that she has the ultimate trump card in arguments: guilt.
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33. She reminds you that you’d better not put her in a bad nursing home.
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34. If you share this post with your mom, she’ll say, “But I’m not like this, right?” Just smile and nod.
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35. She always tells you you can’t get mad at her for caring too much. And you can’t, really, because she’s the absolute best. Thanks, Mom.
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