This post is for all the 'marrieds' out there, or atleast for people who might be able to explain for the marrieds.
You see, I'm the kinda gal who keeps in touch with her friends, no matter what status, single OR married. I speak to them once in a while, keeping in contact by phone, texting, emailing, etc. Obviously it's easier for the singles, as we don't have that busy of a schedule, no husband to tend to, no kids to worry about, etc. and a pretty open schedule (other than work, school & dating), but thank goodness I'm blessed with great friends that every so often I get to go out with the marrieds, who explain to their husband that a night off once in a while with a single friend is important for them (yay me!)
What I don't understand tho, is what's up with the marrieds? You know...the girls who as singles, were really close? Would call almost each day, get together daily if not a few times a week, and then they get engaged, get married and move and forget about you? No matter how much they promised as a single that they would be 'like those married girls who just dump you when they get married', they somehow forget about your existence.
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand what Shana Rishona must be like, especially when it's in a new city, new surroundings, jobs, school, a new person to share your life with, etc. so I don't need the daily or weekly phone calls, but when the married friend does come back home to visit her family, it would be great to catch up. Usually, it's a short phonecall or a visit, but lately, my newly marrieds have all managed to lose touch. To such an extreme that my married friend, Yocheved, who used to call me every so often, although it felt like she just wanted to catch up on missed gossip since she moved, and would throw in a 'how are you' perhaps once in the convo, came home to town last week. Now, let me just mention that Yocheved and I got to be friends through work. We worked at the same place and became close. We would speak very often and she would come over almost every Shabbos. So when I heard she was in town and didn't hear from her AT ALL, I thought somethin was up, but quickly dissed that idea. Then, when she passed by my house on a Shabbos afternoon, in broad daylight and pretended she didn't remember I lived here, it DID bother me. No, I didn't call her family, nor did I call her. I just pretended that I didn't know she was in town.
I just don't get what is up with marrieds? We're still friends. Nothing has changed. I mean, well, ya, you got a husband and maybe a kid or two, but why would that change our friendship to the point that I don't exist?
Can anyone here enlighten me?
Yeah, it really does suck. They seem to fade off the map fast, and don't understand that they are doing it either...I guess it must be really hard to concentrate on more than one person at a time...
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post on this:
ReplyDeletehttp://frumanista.blogspot.com/2012/02/friends-no-more.html
There are a few answers. First, it’s science, as I posted about here: http://solelyinblackandwhite.blogspot.com/2010/09/engageds-lost-friends.html
ReplyDeleteSecond, it's a matter of time. The more stuff one has "to do" the less time they have for connecting with friends in general, both single and married. I’ve even heard married folk proclaim that “they don’t have time to make new friends.” I don't think it's a conscience effort to forget about their friends, it just happens when life gets more hectic.
Concurrently, there is a divide between what married people talk about with their married friend and what they talk about with their single friends. Being a spectator to such discussions, I’ve seen that in certain contexts single “friends” may empathetic, while married “friends” provide a greater level of support. That isn’t a valid reason for dropping a single friend, but as stated above, considering the constant time constraint that a married person has to deal with, it does become a factor
You wouldn’t believe how many days go by with me wishing that there was more time in the day.
I tend to agree. I actually felt pretty left out with a lot of my friends but now I understand. I have one kid. And no time for phone conversations. I wake up at seven every morning and between cooking, cleaning, watching my son, planning naps I find it really hard to keep in touch. I still make the effort, but I have found it harder.
ReplyDeleteThe other perhaps more painful truth though, is that when you do get married, you find that you really enter a different life. There's marriage, sharing a home, bed, birth, pregnancy, children, exhaustion, all something a single person cannot understand. Give it time though she might come around. Also God willing when you are married, I guarantee you'll understand just a little bit more the strain on mothers. It's hard. I wish I had more time for my friends. I wish they had more time for me. But it's just not the case.
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ReplyDeleteI remember well, being treated pretty much like your recent experience by previously “close” friends.
ReplyDeleteHowever since I’ve gotten married, I realized that it's not that simple (although no excuse) to stay in touch with single friends.
Many seem to suddenly find us boring, or snobbish, or regardless of how many times I call or invite them over, feel I have no time for them etc..
I actually remember feeling this way , towards married friend who were friendly and making some efforts to remain in touch.
I'm not saying singles are necessarily oversensitive or difficult, but maybe (gathering from my own experiences) it's a two-faced mirror.