I know I've mentioned this previously, but it still irks me each time I hear that comment.
I was out for my weekly coffee run when I overheard these 2 frum women talking. Honestly, I couldn't help it-as I was standing by the counter waiting for my macchiato, these women were talking really loud and were like 2 feet from me, if not closer.
One told the other that she was worried about her daughter, who is starting in Shidduchim and didn't get calls yet. It seemed, by the way she spoke that she had other married children who got married off right away and that this daughter of hers, was having a hard time. The other woman sympathized with her and mentioned that she too had a daughter in shidduchim, but older than the other woman's, as well as a niece on the market. Whilst both shared their pain and stories (with the entire coffee shop, let alone each other), they sighed. The second woman was saying how hard it was when she has to make phonecalls to Shadchanim for her daughter and they basically treat her like second hand trash and 'tell her off' for keeping her daughter single, whilst she said, that she was the one who looked into every single guy just to make sure they were on the basic step of 'suitable' and not even over the top. She went on explaining to the first woman, that half of the calls weren't even on the same religious level, let alone hashkafa, background, etc.
Honestly, I was beginning to feel for her-knowing that I'm literally living and going through the SAME THING. But then I turned aside a bit to see the first woman telling her, 'well, listen-you gotta PLAY THE GAME'. She then went on explaining how her daughter has tons of friends getting engaged and that the few of her married friends who came home from Israel on Pesach, all told her daughter to 'play the game', (aka LIE) because these married friends told her how unhappy they were in Israel and how miserable they were, but if they said they weren't interested in moving to Israel they would never be married. So, said woman #1, 'YOU GOTTA PLAY THE GAME"
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What a load of boo-hickey. I agree, the game has gotta go!
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that this is yet another failure of our Chinuch/Educational system, in which I further believe that the boys' education is much, much worse. (Many of us have practically wasted years in Yeshiva.) Almost all guys are not taught at a younger age how to treat a girl/young lady. This only gets worse when we enter the, "the shidduch scene" in which guys somehow feel, "entitled" to pick every single micro-detail of their potential spouse.
ReplyDeleteThis is ridiculous and is an outrage!
My suggestion would be that someday when you have boys IY"H, you start talking to them in their early teenage years as to how and what a girl/young lady is about. Then hopefully they won't have to go through deprogramming when they want a shidduch, and they'll hopefully realize how petty it is to be micro-picky about their spouses.
Unfortunately, I don't have any short term ideas for young ladies who are stuck with this horrid fate. IY"H you'll find yourself a loving husband soon.
That would be something, if the Yeshivas had taught us how to behave with girls...
DeletePersonally, I have no problem walking up, and having a normal conversation as a girl. And I know how to properly treat a lady.
But that was something I taught MYSELF as I went through High School.
Most of the Yeshiva boys don’t even know what a girl looks like until he goes on his first date.
I agree. Guys NEED to be taught at a younger age how to behave around girls. And it should NOT be by Rabbeim. It should be by the parents, who've hopefully figured everything out by that point in their lives.
-WM
I'm hearing this line a lot: "Only the good boys are learning" (meaning full-time). I have made the educated decision to consider that opinion to be, well, crap.
ReplyDeleteI don't want a learner. I don't want to go to Israel. I don't expect my parents to support me. And I don't pretend. If people think I am making life impossible for myself, so be it. But no learners need apply, and I'm not playing the game.
Does "playing the game" = happiness? Or just married? There is a difference.
The answer is quite simple, and had you gone to seminary, you would have been taught it. Of course "playing the game" = happiness! At least that's probably what they would have brainwashed you in seminary to think! (lol)
DeleteAs someone who went to seminary, I am a failure in their brainwashing techniques. I will not marry a full time learner. (However, only some teachers in my sem tried the brainwashing- others were just fine with us marrying a ben torah, even if he was working. So I guess I was a failure in the seminary-picking stage too. )
DeleteThis game has got to stop- people need to realize that getting married is not the end-all-be-all. If you married an ax-murderer, would you be ok with that? Just because he happens to spend his days in kollel? Crazy....we have forgotten that zevulun is part of the equation too.
There are so many people out there saying how they hate the game and the system yet they go with it. I dont work that way, I understand why most people go on, but my take is that if you're not gonna make any changes or go about it differently, then be quiet and go along.
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