Why do I feel bad saying NO?

Lately, I've had some really awful Shidduch suggestions, and when I say awful, I mean like totally 'nisht' as my chassidish friends would say (no! I'm not chassidish). The guys being 'redd' were sooooo 'off' that it didn't even make sense to be suggested in the first place, but then again=people just don't think, they just see a single girl, they hear about a single guy and BAM-in their head it's a great shidduch, because 'why not try'. But I guess in the mind of the people making the suggestion, they think they are helping. 'why not try' is not a reason to go out. 'you can't lose' is not a reason either. I can provide loads of so-called reasons, but why bother, as they are each more ridiculous than the next.

So, lemme get back to my week of awful suggestions. There was the guy who recently divorced with kids (not what I am looking for), then there was the 40 year old (hello? I'm in my twenties!), then there was a sefardi-chabadnik (no offense to either chabad or sefardi-some of them are my besties), and I'm looking for a Heimishe Ashkenaz like myself. There was also the 'chassidish bum' guy (again-not for me) and the guy who had a history of drinking & drugs (again, not what I'm looking for) and the list goes on and on. 

So, obviously when I get these suggestions, I just get a name, if I'm lucky I get the age, and if I'm luckier I get a bit more  information. Actually, to give credit where credit is due, I did indeed receive some resumes for the above mentioned guys, but it's not like their information is gonna say 'has a history of drug addiction, off-the-derech, is abusive, etc. So each time a name is suggested, I do my utmost to make sure that before I say 'no', I have correct information. How do I do that? By research of course. And hopefully if I get atleast 3 people saying the same kinda things about the guy, and I find from my own 'background' check that it all matches then I call the Shadchan back and politely decline the match, whilst thanking them for their time.

Why, tho, do I always havta feel guilty saying no? I don't mean the fact that I'm turning the Shidduch suggestion down, I mean why do I havta feel bad actually telling the Shadchan 'no'?

I guess it's mostly because the Shadchan or person whose idea the shidduch was makes us feel guilty for saying no. This week alone, when I had to decline the matches, EVERY shadchan asked me why I was saying 'no'. Not that it's there business, BUT, without saying anything bad about the boy (just because it's not what I'm looking for, doesn't automatically mean the guy is BAD=as opposed to what shadchanim think), I explain that it's not what I'm looking for, etc. And almost every time, they push, and push, and push for reasons why, and give you so-called reasons to reconsider your position, and then get all insulted and upset for having put 'effort' into trying to make the Shidduch, so by the time you hang up, and even though you kept your cool throughout the conversation and you know for a fact that it's not for you, you still have a major guilt trip and feel all 'bad' each time you happen to speak/meet that person....

Am I the only one who feels bad when saying 'no'?

Comments from the Wrong kinda guy...

I had a really weird week and by weird, I mean really weird.

For starters, now that summer has arrived (we hope) and the sun is out as well as the warm weather, I'm taking advantage of my summer wardrobe which...wait for this...actually includes COLORS! Yay, the black & white and dark greys can hide in the dark basement whilst I proudly get to wear all my colorful summers. And the shoes! Let's just say I got a whole lotta them summer shoes, including these. I'm not sure if it was my attire, or the air, but I got some weird comments, which I assume were meant as compliments this week, and here are just but a few...

The custodian at my office came to me and said 'SOS, if I wasn't married, there would be trouble.....I would have no problem converting and becoming a Jew for you.....It's a good thing I have a wife...'

sidenote: he ain't the kinda kind I wanna be hearing that from. (a) he's married (b) he ain't even Jewish (c) in the looks department, I wouldn't even consider hi average (d) just ain't my type..like AT ALL,

But I'm guessing he was trying to give me a compliment (or he's just a guy...)

Another time this week, I was walking in my area and a family friend passes by. He's a middle-aged guy and we grew up together, as in, we had family parties, get togethers, I was in school with their kids, etc. I haven't seem them in a while as their kids all got married and we sorta don't see each other as much anymore. In any case, he passes me by, smiles and says 'SOS, lookin good!' I had no idea how to take that. Perhaps it was a compliment, but it just seemed weird, coming from him.

And for one last weird comment-I was wearing one of my summer wedges, when this woman started telling me how gorgeous they were. Then 3 of her friends with her (yes, I know them all-they go to my Shul) start asking me 20 questions about the shoe-if its comfortable (duh!), how high it was (5 inch wedge?), etc. Then she looks at me and says 'you should wear THOSE on a date'. As if I need her advice? Firstly, at this stage, I've been dating for what seems like forever, and I know to wear heels/wedges/hot shoes on dates. It was just like--plain out weird!

so, my fellow single friends-do I not know how to take a compliment when I receive one, or are the above comments just seriously weird-put in their own context?

A REAL Shadchan or just a Shanda?

Forgive me, but I have trust issues. I mean, can you blame me? I've been cheated by the shidduch system. I've been lied to by references, shadchans, etc. about everything from a guys age, to family, to personality, to status (e.g. previously married with children). I therefore find that it's hard for me to trust anyone.
I did start off the 'naive' Bais Yaakov girl, all smiley, trusting and politely quiet on dates. Then, as time went on, and I went out on more dates, and been burned a few times, the tables sorta turned a bit. I started asking more detailed questions, I called more than a few people just to ensure the information I was given was correct. Now I have do a whole FBI internal investigation.
More than once, I received a call from an unknown woman claiming she was a shadchan and asking either to speak with me, or asking my mother about me, or asking for my resume. The first time this happened, she set me up, I went to the Big Apple to date the guy-which again, turned out to be insanely full of lies and a terrible date. I called the 'so-called' shadchan and was extremely upset about this whole sham. I asked her how she got my name and how she knew me and whose idea this whole thing really was and you know what she responded?
She said, she couldn't really tell me because it would be loshon hora.
For years, I harbored ill-will towards this woman for having the nerve/guts to call someone she didn't know and set them up with such a FAR-OFF date of a guy and then NOT EVEN TELLING ME who was behind it-which still bothers me.
But, years have gone by, and I've learned slowly to ask many more questions since then.
I've had mother's of boys who were redd to me and to whom I rejected as potentials for good reason, call me pretending to be a shadchan and asking me to email my information.
I've had friend's of boys doing the same. Heck, I've had guys themselves doing the same. But my investigative talents have proven them all unsuccessful.
The system has turned me into a bit of an untrusting freak.
So, how do I know, or how do all of you know that when someone calls you, claiming they heard about you from their friend (whom they name and who you know is a living person), and ask you for your information if they are REALLY a Shadchan or is it just a Sham?

Misery Loves Company? or SoulMates?

Can we Enjoy the Attention?

Y'know the Tznius talk? The one all girls get in high school about covering the collar bone, the elbows, the knees, etc?

Well, apparently now the schools are adding some more pointers like no slinky skirts, and no kiki riki shirts as they are too fitted.

OK, so I don't agree on the slinkys & kikis, but I'm not 100% perfect and I don't have the 4 inches for my knees either.

I'm ok with it. Sure if a skirt is a bit too short, I will let down the hem, but if it's just covering my knee, I guess it's ok, unless I'm in the presence of a Rabbi or something, in which case, I pray there is a tablecloth somewhere to cover the rest of my knee, or someone to block out my 'untzniusness'.

But here's the thing, y'see, lately I go to weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, Kiddushim, etc. and see all these married women walking around looking well, like the women of desperate housewives (think Eva Longoria). They're all put together, wearing these awesome funky outfits, with nude colored skin tight shirts, or very fitted dressed, or slinky skirt/jumpers right at their knee, and they are dressed to kill. Of course, whilst they chat outside with the other marrieds, the men pass by and give them the elevator stare-I know I did a double take with some of those people. I just didn't think it was proper. Especially after being taught that women have to dress up and look good for their husbands and not for everyone else's husbands. I also couldn't understand why, even though you wanna look good, you wanna look like that kinda good infront of other people. But, in my naive mind, I just thought that these few women just needed attention and that perhaps they weren't getting it from their own husbands (maybe the hubbies were sports fans?) and therefore got dressed up like that just to be noticed.

Here's where it sorta gets odd: I recently bought this really funky pair of shoes. At first I fell in love with them in the store-like 'wear it out the store' type, but I was able to control myself enough to wait until I paid before putting them on. They're not prust, but they do have jean and leather and an awesome heel (the whole combination sounds prust, I know, but it's not) with a bow. I wore them this week and lemme tell you-I didn't think the shoes would be THAT obvious. I wore clothes that I've worn before, my hair & makeup was the same as it always was, but I realized the power of an awesome shoe. Strangers would slow down while I walked outta my car. People from the neighborhood would 'check me out' as they passed by. It felt weird with the people I knew (obviously they didn't know it was me until they saw and quickly drove away) checking me out, but then I sorta felt good about myself. It instilled confidence in me-as in, hey! I can look that good that people will double take, and take me seriously-as a woman.

So, as much as I thought it was 'piggish' on the men, I understand that men will be men. I didn't walk in any sorta suggestive way or anything, but I guess the shoes really make a diff!

Am I allowed to enjoy the attention from these heels, or should I feel bad about it?

Why Do I still get Embarrassed?

I don't know why, perhaps it is my upbringing, or my schooling, but even though I am out of school for almost 10 years-things still embarrass me, which is in itself-embarrassing!

Maybe it's the Bais Yaakov girl in me. I mean, I consider myself to be with-it. I watch tv, listen to the radio, read the newspaper, etc. I go shopping in the malls and although there are some billboards that are disturbing, it's only the real prust ones that bother me, otherwise, I guess I don't even notice, cuz I usually go for the clothes and not the pictures. Yes, there are some songs on the top 20 that have some foul language, but those are usually beeped out and on the occasion that the radio station plays it, I just try and ignore it.

But, why, when I've watched, read, and listened to so much stuff, when I've seen what goes on in the world (or atleast I think I know...) do I still get embarrassed?

My co-worker is married with children or marriageable age, and tends to turn red in the face-literally, the moment she gets awkward or embarrassed. I hope I don't look like that, but just this week, something of the likes happened.

I was approached by the head of a new program regarding some kids who were hanging out with the wrong crowd, etc. We were talking in depth about the situation and throwing out ideas. Then, the supervisor, who was there all along (picture a guy in a suit & black hat) starts talking to me. He was sooo normal about everything and was totally with the program in terms of what is happening and where the kids were spending their time, what they were doing, etc. He looks at me and says 'as long as they don't have sex, and keep to the only guys/only girls rule'. Now, was I shocked that that guy said that? Heck ya

Was I embarrassed? yyyaaaa... I felt myself blush, just cuz it sorta came at me outta no where. I don't really know these people well. But we are all adults. I've heard this dozens of times. Maybe cuz I guess they see me as a Bais Yaakov girl and they were like 'Bais Yaakov' type people, so I blushed?

Perhaps it is the 'chein' that we have instilled in us?

Don't get me wrong, I guess being a single, and with the 3 letter word still an 'unknown' (to some extent), that could be the reason, but also maybe cuz they expect it to be that way with me and because I know of these expectations, this is why I'm embarrassed? 

Well, in any case, I remember the first time a guy on a date mentioned something like that-I don't remember blushing, more like, a young newly dating girl being shocked by a guy speaking so comfortably about something so not tznius to be speaking about with someone he barely knew....

Anyway, my question is: am I the only one like this?

What's the Matter with Marrieds?

This post is for all the 'marrieds' out there, or atleast for people who might be able to explain for the marrieds.

You see, I'm the kinda gal who keeps in touch with her friends, no matter what status, single OR married. I speak to them once in a while, keeping in contact by phone, texting, emailing, etc. Obviously it's easier for the singles, as we don't have that busy of a schedule, no husband to tend to, no kids to worry about, etc. and a pretty open schedule (other than work, school & dating), but thank goodness I'm blessed with great friends that every so often I get to go out with the marrieds, who explain to their husband that a night off once in a while with a single friend is important for them (yay me!)

What I don't understand tho, is what's up with the marrieds? You know...the girls who as singles, were really close? Would call almost each day, get together daily if not a few times a week, and then they get engaged, get married and move and forget about you? No matter how much they promised as a single that they would be 'like those married girls who just dump you when they get married', they somehow forget about your existence.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand what Shana Rishona must be like, especially when it's in a new city, new surroundings, jobs, school, a new person to share your life with, etc. so I don't need the daily or weekly phone calls, but when the married friend does come back home to visit her family, it would be great to catch up. Usually, it's a short phonecall or a visit, but lately, my newly marrieds have all managed to lose touch. To such an extreme that my married friend, Yocheved, who used to call me every so often, although it felt like she just wanted to catch up on missed gossip since she moved, and would throw in a 'how are you' perhaps once in the convo, came home to town last week. Now, let me just  mention that Yocheved and I got to be friends through work. We worked at the same place and became close. We would speak very often and she would come over almost every Shabbos. So when I heard she was in town and didn't hear from her AT ALL, I thought somethin was up, but quickly dissed that idea. Then, when she passed by my house on a Shabbos afternoon, in broad daylight and pretended she didn't remember I lived here, it DID bother me. No, I didn't call her family, nor did I call her. I just pretended that I didn't know she was in town. 

I just don't get what is up with marrieds? We're still friends. Nothing has changed. I mean, well, ya, you got a husband and maybe a kid or two, but why would that change our friendship to the point that I don't exist?

Can anyone here enlighten me?

Playing the "Game"

I know I've mentioned this previously, but it still irks me each time I hear that comment.
I was out for my weekly coffee run when I overheard these 2 frum women talking. Honestly, I couldn't help it-as I was standing by the counter waiting for my macchiato, these women were talking really loud and were like 2 feet from me, if not closer.
One told the other that she was worried about her daughter, who is starting in Shidduchim and didn't get calls yet. It seemed, by the way she spoke that she had other married children who got married off right away and that this daughter of hers, was having a hard time. The other woman sympathized with her and mentioned that she too had a daughter in shidduchim, but older than the other woman's, as well as a niece on the market. Whilst both shared their pain and stories (with the entire coffee shop, let alone each other), they sighed. The second woman was saying how hard it was when she has to make phonecalls to Shadchanim for her daughter and they basically treat her like second hand trash and 'tell her off' for keeping her daughter single, whilst she said, that she was the one who looked into every single guy just to make sure they were on the basic step of 'suitable' and not even over the top. She went on explaining to the first woman, that half of the calls weren't even on the same religious level, let alone hashkafa, background, etc.
Honestly, I was beginning to feel for her-knowing that I'm literally living and going through the SAME THING. But then I turned aside a bit to see the first woman telling her, 'well, listen-you gotta PLAY THE GAME'. She then went on explaining how her daughter has tons of friends getting engaged and that the few of her married friends who came home from Israel on Pesach, all told her daughter to 'play the game', (aka LIE) because these married friends told her how unhappy they were in Israel and how miserable they were, but if they said they weren't interested in moving to Israel they would never be married. So, said woman #1, 'YOU GOTTA PLAY THE GAME"

A Decade of an Age Difference

So there's this new fad that I heard about which is that guys are willing to date girls 10 years younger than them (except the 21/27 year olds I assume).
I have a friend, Shira who was suggested to a guy more than a month ago. The Shadchan called her, asked if Shira heard of him, she didn't and told her to Redd it to the boy first.
The the Shadchan asked for her resume and said she would get back to her with an answer.
A few weeks passed and  Shira called the Shadchan to which she asked for a photo of her.  Shira sent one.
Again, time passed along and Shira then received an email from the Shadchan asking for another photo of her.
Eventually after more than a month of not hearing back YET, Shira called the Shadchan and explained that she obliged with all the requests and even after sending all the info, resumes, etc. and letting about 5-6 weeks pass by she still didn't even get an answer.
The Shadchan replied that the boy heard that Shira had a cousin who was 10 years younger (than him) and single and said he would prefer the cousin (based on age).
When Shira told me this story I was upset. Here is a great girl, with amazing middos, a caring and responsible individual, put-together, pretty, skinny, Frum, considerate from a great family and because she was like 2-3 years younger, you would think its great. But no, Mr. Single Guy has a preference and chucks her aside for a girl 10 years his junior!

Then I heard from a Shadchan that she has guys who are in their 40s who are requesting girls in their 20s or only early 30s and not older. She was surprised at the chutzpah and 'pickiness' of these men. They are well in their forties and think a single girl in their 20s would even hear about it?
Of course, don't get me wrong, there ARE exceptions to the rule, but c'mon.
And we girls get the brunt of it, I mean after being stepped on, pushed aside and prodded with questions and requests, we merely get pushed to the back of the closet for something more fresh and new (a girl straight outta sem, perhaps?).
Sheesh! and still we are accused of being picky!