This post is due to a conversation over the weekend. I heard one lady speaking to another about her daughter. She was clearly upset (and being in such a state, was speaking quiet loudly) and needed someone to speak with. She started off by saying how hard it is with Shidduchim lately and her daughter is so amazing/great/pretty/skinny/smart/talented but keeps on either getting 'garbage' suggestions or constant 'no's from boys after just one date. Anyway, not to bore you with the details and to go off-topic from this post, her main reason for being quite upset was the fact that her daughter was being set up with a guy and was supposed to meet him in NY. She sent her daughter down but the shadchan called and said he couldn't get hold of the guy for some reason. Then, when she was back home, the shadchan called to say the boy will come in to her town to date her. No one got back. A few days later the shadchan said he still couldn't get through to the boy-last they spoke the boy said he was looking to come in the NEXT week and asked this woman & her daughter to 'sit tight'. They waited another week and no news from the shadchan or the boy.
Finally, the mother was extremely frustrated at that point and called the shadchan to ask what was goin on and if she was 'being played', as she so eloquently put it. The shadchan told her he doesn't know what's with the boy, he isn't returning calls, isn't explaining why the delay and last he heard, the boy went back to his own hometown. He said maybe the guy is double dating but wouldn't know because 'this is how it is with the boys' and they don't tell him anything.
The woman & her daughter were upset but what can be done.
Finally the woman took and deep breathe and let out the final depth of her pain-'my daughter saw him online yesterday-on Onlysimchas=he's engaged.
Now I don't really know the whole situation here and only overheard but from the perspective of a single out-of-towner, once you make the big trip of traveling (no matter by plane/bus/train/car) it's an expense and a few hours sometimes even overnight of travel. If more than one thing comes up and looks like something of potential why not try?
Don't get me wrong-I wouldn't do this if I was already dating someone or going out for a non-first date. However sometimes you make the trip only to find out within the first 10 minutes that it was pointless. Now if there was something mentioned and it sounded interesting and you're in NY anyway-why not try.
BUT double date properly. Speak to shadchanim and let them know why that time/day is not good or why you're not available.
Honestly is the best policy and no ones get hurt.
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In my experience the one thing I didn't like, is that it seems men double date and women single date, and it's okay for men to be aloof and not women. Maybe it would be kinder, to ask Shadchanim to not allow double dating. Thank God it seems to have worked in this bochurs case, but it did hurt someone, and cost them unnecessary financial strain.
ReplyDeleteI traveled out of town once to NY for dating, and to spend the amount of money I did, for two dates that never made it past the first date, as a woman I decided any man that would date me in the future would travel to me, as proof of his ability to support himself. I think it's a good thought process as a female to adopt. The next man that did, I married thank God. :)
Single Orthodox Jews should meet each other directly, with no shadchanim and no unrequested parental participation.
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