What NOT to say on a Shidduch Date

Good Support System

This just in: I received a call from a Shadchan. Apparently she heard about me from (someone who knows someone who knows...) 'someone' and has been trying to get hold of me. She also heard I'm looking for a 'learning' boy (p.s. for those of you who aren't familiar with me & my blog-I'm looking for a learner-earner), so she was only 50% off with the 'type'.

Anyhow, what can I say-I saw an odd phone number appear on my caller ID and my curiosity got the better of me. It was this Shadchan. After all the introductions about herself and how she knows me, she went on to tell me about the guy she had in mind for me. She started off by first explaining that she doesn't actually know him but heard about him and got hold of his resume. After the humming and hawing, we got down to the nitty gritty aka she read his resume (2 pages, really quickly, over the phone). After swallowing most of the sentences, err paragraphs, she concluded. She took a deep breathe and said "well, basically, he just stopped learning fulltime and is looking to start going to college to become a professional, and he wants a girl who can support him financially whilst he decides IF and WHEN he is getting in to WHATever school/program. Also, he's not sure if fulltime teaching will make the cut-especially on a teacher's salary....are you interested?"

I sat there, half rolling my eyes, half unable to believe she thought this was normal and mostly holding in my LOL laughter and then replied. "I can refer him to a local bank whilst he makes his decision of what he wants to be when he grows up."

Different Age Different Stage?

Here's the scene: I was at the restaurant late last night and there were 2 other groups there. The group to my right was a bunch of 18 year old sem girls, laughing, loud, hyper, etc. The other group was 3 sophisticated women in their mid-thirties. Oddly enough I knew everyone there, but not in the way that I would walk on over and say hi. Heck, not even in the way of waving & smiling. Sure, I knew who they were, but I knew about them more than I actually knew them.

In any case, the strange thing is that in both groups of girls/women there was a Kallah who had gotten engaged in the last week/few weeks. Yes, the 18 year old sem girl had gotten engaged a few days earlier and the mid-thirty year old 2 weeks before. I heard both stories of 'how they got engaged' told one time too many. Actually, come to think of it I heard the story about the mid-thirty year old many more times than the 18 year old, as it was a bigger deal, and people seemed "so much happier" (relieved) for her.

So, here they were, 2 very different types of girls, of a major age difference and at different stages of life.

I had a thought to wish the 18 year old Mazel Tov, as she was nearer, but then I realized I should also wish the mid-thirty. I didn't want it to be awkward for either, but that was soon to be taken care of, as one of the mid-thirty marrieds got up and started the 20 questions on engagement and the deal was done.

Then I realized, the mid-thirty year old probably got all the 'I'm ssssooooo happy for you....was sooooo excited to hear such good news....FINALLY.....we were soooo worried....'etc. wishes whilst the 18 year old got the "WOW-AMAZING, UNBELIEVEABLE" wishes. One got the pity, nebach whilst the other got the true rants.

Who deserves which?

Well, I'm not 18 anymore-I sure hope I'm not the pity Mazel Tov. 

Invisible cloak to lend, anyone?

Happy Valentines Day

I was sitting at my desk doing my work when I noticed the delivery guy standing in the hall. He was holding a large bouquet of beautiful roses and what seemed to be a box with a shiny large bow on it. As he made his way across the cubicles and to the left my heart skipped a beat. He was on his way to my office. A secret admirer? A prank perhaps? Who would do this for me? After what seemed like forever Mr. Delivery guy was smiling at me as he knocked at the entrance of my door. I got up, smoothed the creases in my pencil skirt and quickly patted down the flyaway hairs in my face. As I met him at the door he asked 'where can I find ____'s office'?
No-I'm just kidding-the above in no way reflects my day or any other vallentine. It's just the way I feel, living as a frum single in today's society. Especially on the 14th of February-it's like an extra 'ha! Ur single-duh! And whose gonna get u the mushy card/romantic gift/awesome chocolates, beautiful flowers or secret gift? No, I'm not pining for anything big & bold (I do like little surprises tho (& chocolate). My morning started off with a stop at the local coffee shop for an extra espresso. The woman at the cash wished me happy valentine and handed me a shiny, pink foil wrapped heart chocolate. How depressing I thought, the barista, another woman, offering me the free chocolate. Sad. Anyway I don't celebrate it (duh! Especially as I'm single!) but I do read chiclits & watch romcoms so what is expected? A little bit of self-pity and then moving on. I used to joke about it with my other single friends and then we would go out, get a box of chocolates, share it whilst crying/laughing over Jewish dating experiences. Now I just wait until the day after, treat myself to some chocolates (with close friends) and daven that one day soon I'll have my own guy to share stories & chocolates with.
No need for delivery guy or flowers or big shiny boxes with boys. Just a guy, someone who is kind, funny, with-it, caring & a true mentch.
So here's a chocolate e-lchaim to all you out there!

on Cancelling a Date

"Can You Send me Your Résumé?"

Did people forget how to speak? Does no one pick up their phone to TALK anymore or is it just used for emails and texting? Or perhaps when people actually DO call you they forget to say hi and ask how you are, instead almost tripping over their words to get to the point?
Well, lately the above is the story of my life. If I get a text it says 'pls send me ur pic' sometimes it starts with an extra 2 letters (hi-pls send me ur pic). If I can an email it's a one-liner asking for my info. Shadchans don't answer their phones. In fact their answering machines inform us NOT to leave messages. The world is becoming crazier and it's getting harder to SPEAK WITH someone personally.
I will make change. Well maybe not MAJOR change and maybe not for everyone but still-this is life people. When did we stop being mentschlich? When was the last time someone told you 'I spoke with the boy himself and he seemed very polite, sweet, etc'. No, these days it's just 'send ur pic, send ur info, send a full length pic, change ur info'.
So here's the deal. In order to ensure that things move along smoothly with as little possible miscommunication (or none for the matter) my new policy is as follows. If and when I get a message-I call the person up-SPEAK to them and ask WHY they want my info? Did they speak with the guy yet? If so, does he seem interested based on the basic info (also included in the fact that I'm an out of towner)? WHO do they have in mind (in case it was already suggested before or we previously had dated-which would save me hassle). WHO will my info be going to (the actual guy himself? His parents? Another shadchan? His friends?)
Once I have that I accomplished a basic dialogue with the person, can get to understand clearly where I stand in the picture, can know WHO to refer to when & if I need to follow up with them, based on what they tell me.

Wud ya Walk on over?

So here's the deal: I had midwinter break and was enjoying my time off. Sleeping in, meeting up with friends, going out to eat (more often) and just chillin out. One lunch I was due to meet my friend Suri at the local cafe. I got there a good 5 minutes early and there was a line up so I stood there at the back of the line and waited.
That's when I noticed two guys. I've never seen them before and there was no 'out of town' license plates on any cars parked outside. I was curious about them-were they my age? We're they single? They seemed like nice, frum, guys. Could they be here for a wedding or maybe both of them are here for dates? Who knows. All I know is that no matter how curious-there as no way I would walk on over to their table and start chatting to them. What if they were both married?!? How awkward. And this my fellow readers is why a frum girl can't just march on over and talk to any guy she's interested in. If he IS married or has a girlfriend-she walks away feeling stupid. If he isn't married or someone else's boyfriend, she might have a maybe very slight percentage of chance that he is interested in her.
Sheesh-where's my little guy friend/puppy/someone else's kid I'm babysitting to startup a convo. Nothing like a baby to help get someone's attention.
Anyway-any ideas as to how to approach a guy that you see, don't recognize/know and seem interested without the shame/embarrassment of making a total fool of yourself? Share them in the comments section below.