the D word

Don't shoot me down for bringing the dreaded 'D' word into my blog. We all know it's out there, we all try to avoid it like the plague, after all, we, as singles are looking to get married, why would we even speak, even think of Divorce? But with it becoming so common these days, it's sorta hard to ignore/avoid it.

I should know, I have a friend who is the object of a very messy divorce where her parents use her as a pawn in court, in the papers, heck, in the media even.

I also have another friend who got divorced after just a few months of marriage.

I've been suggested to boys from divorced homes, and boys, who themselves were divorced.

So I guess you can say it's all around and happening more often these days.

The reason I bring it to this blog though, is a different reason altogether. You see, this past Shabbos, I was unfortunate to find myself in the midst of a yenta fest. Picture this: you're at a local Kiddush on your way home from Shul and it's just a 'five minute drop in' (hopefully) where you find the Baal/as Simcha, say Mazel Tov, maybe sneak in a few rugelach, and then leave, before all the pity-eyed wellwishers come your way.

Now picture this: me-the 5 min drop in, trying to get to the baalas simcha, but stuck in a corner behind a cookie table, between 3 yenta women, and with no way out as the baal simcha is talking to the caterer and waiter at the entrance.

Yes, folks, I had to stand there and listen to the yentas and their chat. So after the basic talk about the tablecloths, food, decor and set up of the Kiddush and then how the Baal/as Simcha looked and where they got the outfits, shoes, and hairstyles, then came the D word. They got up with the recent divorces, the ones that weren't so recent that they just heard of, etc. Then Yenta A told the other two yenta ladies about this woman who just got divorced, but apparently realized something was wrong with her husband shortly after marrying him. In fact, she said, the woman called her Rabbi and told him of her concern but the guy's family sorta blinded him and he advised her to stick with him. Atleast 15 years and a whole lotta kids later, after the abuse finally got to her and she had some sorta breakdown, then he went to court, got custody and now she is suffering alone, in a depression, with a mental illness, all due to something that either could've been stopped back then or prevented, had someone just said something.

Yenta B told of a divorce she heard of, where the girl got divorced after just 6 weeks, all quick and quiet, without the parents even knowing. She just came home after a 'honeymoon' and went on.

Yenta C listened in, gave her mini-saga of a divorce she knew of, (where the girl knew weeks after her wedding that something was seriously wrong with her husband, but then found out that she was pregnant and stayed until she had the baby) and then concluded by stating that this is why the Rabbonim are now saying that the girls should protect themselves (aka be on the pill) for the first 6 months, until they are sure, or until they are comfortable knowing they want kids with a guy.

I stood there, trying not to listen, but with nowhere else to go, let alone move, or even look, I sorta had to agree that the 6 month thing made sense to me. We live in a scary world. People aren't as honest and upfront as we would like them to be. I, certainly, have trust issues, after being misled so many times with guys, be it from the shadchans, the references, or even the guys themselves. At the same time, who would want to go to their chuppah, still not feeling sure of the whole shidduch, or with a 'what if' feeling. Why take the extra chance. And, if, even the Rabbonim are suggesting this, it must be because they feel that at this stage and with everything going on, it is necessary.

We live in a real scary world, where no one wants to face the facts or even hear about them, yet, unfortunately, they are more common than not and more closer than we think. We have to see the reality in the situation and even if this 6 month thing is not a solution, but a small suggestion, it still is better than the alternative, if G-d forbid anyone gets stuck in such a situation.

May we all merit to only be surrounded by loving and happy marriages and only share in Simchas.