`Anguish That Does Not Go Away - The Singles Problem

Taken from the Jewish Press-Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I am sure you get hundreds of letters a week regarding shidduchim. This letter is being penned by someone who is hoping to act as a representative on behalf of all the sad and lonely unmarried men and women in our society. I am hoping that if you share my message in whole or in part with our community it will have an effect, even if it be minute.

I am a very typical 30 something year old female, who attended typical Bais Yaakov type schools, who comes from a regular down to earth, frum – observant family, and who has an ordinary job that I go to day in and day out. I have a college degree and a master’s degree. Unfortunately, what I am missing is that I have not been blessed with finding my bashert – soul mate, yet.

Every day is very difficult for us singles, but perhaps the most painful are the Yom Tovim – the holidays – especially Yom Kippur. We hope, we daven and we dream that Hashem will answer our Tefillos – prayers and bring us only good things for the coming year. In order to make our dreams a reality, we unfortunately have to really rely on those around us to make it happen. Those close to us and those that are not. We network with anyone possible. I have emailed my personal information to so many people - an uncomfortable feeling in and of itself. More often than not, my calls are not returned, and the emails are not answered. Occasionally, I get “lucky” and someone will drop the name of an eligible guy, but then never do anything about it.. Would it be so terrible to expect that the person take an additional step and make that call? The waiting is torture.

I feel that WE – and I mean the entire Jewish community, do not do nearly as much for shidduchim as we should be doing. We all lead busy lives with many obligations, but how often do people put themselves out for others when it comes to shidduchim? And worse, how often do people commit to things and make promises and then proceed to forget about them. I have people who are close to me who have made New Year’s Resolutions and offered to help out with minor things like a follow up email or phone call to major projects like starting a shidduch group as a zechus – merit for me, but it never happens. We are about to celebrate Chanukah – life goes on and people are back to business as usual. I wonder how people can be so apathetic and never even give us singles a thought. We go to family simchas and are always labeled “the single relative”. We get through the Yom Tovim as “the single aunt”. I wonder how they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that we are suffering. I can tell you this – we singles have a hard time sleeping and getting up. I often wonder why people commit to helping if they have no intention of doing so. Why do they give hope only to dash it?

Our generation has become an “I” generation. People only have time to think of themselves, their own families and their own businesses? How about the next person? The neighbor, the relative and sadly, even the sibling? No one thinks..... No one seems to care. And now, I would like to point to an additional problem – the insensitivity, the hurtful remarks. Let me cite some examples:

This past Yom Kippur the Holiest day of the year, during the Rabbi’s speech right before Neilah (the closing prayer), someone came over to me in Shul to ask that I send my shidduch information.... she thought of someone appropriate for me. Wow, I thought, G-d is acting fast.

I followed up .... we are heading into winter, but I have yet to hear from her. Couldn’t she have called or at least e-mailed me? She picked me up only to drop me like a hot potato. Additionally, she took my time away during the last moments of Yom Kippur when I could have been saying Tehillim - Psalms. To accomplish what? To what end?

And then there are those who offer their sagacious advice and tell you “It’s time you got married”.. There are many more examples that I could cite. As I mentioned earlier, for us religious singles, the Yom Tovim – the holidays, are the most difficult to get through. Everyone is surrounded by their families, children and babies, while we stand alone. I overhear people whisper “She is such a rachmones (someone to be pitied). She must be in her thirties and still single. Very often, on the holidays, I opt out and stay at home. It is just too painful to go to shul, but staying home is not a happy solution either.

On one of these occasions, a neighbor’s married daughter knocked on my door to ask if I could watch her child at home while she went to shul with another of her children. I am not a high school teenager who babysits. Is she that clueless? Did it ever occur to her that I would do anything to take my own child to shul? And there have been many other similar situations. People take advantage, and just because they invite me to a Shabbos Seudah, they expect me to baby sit or pick up their kids at the bus stop. I often wonder what has become of us. How have we lost our chesed? I know that many of your readers will flip the page now and think to themselves, “ One of those shidduch articles again!” It takes too much time out of their busy schedules to even read about our pain and loneliness.

Are we not supposed to be “Rachmonim U B’nei Rachmonim? “Compassionate ones and the children of compassionate ones... sensitive to the suffering of others and careful of how we speak to them? Is it too much to ask for people to take a moment to make a phone call or send an e-mail?

To all the people reading this letter, permit me to make some suggestions.

It is admirable and noble to want to help with shidduchim, but be serious! Don’t name drop names because you want to feel that it shows you are doing something. Unless you have a concrete plan or serious information don’t talk about it. If you do mention someone, follow up and get back to the single person. Don’t leave anyone hanging. Your life might not be dependent on it, but ours is!

• As tempting as it might sound, don’t volunteer to do something or make calls or start a program unless you are serious and prepared to put it into work. Think through what you are offering before you actually offer it. Empty offers are painful.

• Spend time and network with everyone you know. You can’t imagine how many potential shidduchim can be made by just asking everyone if they know someone. Don’t let opportunities pass by. Network with your friends, its simple with emails and text messages. Bring it up at a table at a simcha, or after davening inshul, call relatives you don’t see, find a friend in an out of town community and network, network, network.

• Think over and over before asking a single person to baby-sit. Precisely because they don’t have children, your request is that much more painful...and this is important – don’t imagine that because we are not married, we do not have a life and have nothing to do.

Thank you Rebbetzin for sharing this letter. I am not so naive as to think that the tide will be turned through this letter, but perhaps by reading my words, some people will take it to heart, and if just one single person is spared further pain, and just one person makes just one call for ashidduch connection, it will have been worthwhile for me to write.

Suggesting a Shidduch-Chofetz Chaim

EFER CHOFETZ CHAIM

Day 85 – Suggesting a Shidduch: The Balance

In light of the prohibition of misleading one’s fellow (see Days 79-80), one may be reluctant to suggest shidduchim (marriage matches) altogether; others may feel it necessary to mention every possible shortcoming of the person so as not to be guilty of misrepresenting the truth.

Few acts of chesed (kindness) can compare with that of helping to build a Jewish home. One who thinks that a certain young man may be a suitable match for a certain young woman is not responsible to investigate the two and their families before proposing the match. That is the responsibility of the parties involved and their parents.

However, the prohibition against misleading one’s fellow requires that one not suggest a shidduch unless:

(1) He believes that given what he knows of their personalities, the two could be a good match, and he is unaware of any reason the relationship should cause pain to either one.

(2) In his opinion, there is reason to believe that their meeting will ultimately result in an engagement. (It is wrong to waste a person’s time, energy and emotions!)

(3) He is not aware of any medical, emotional, or character deficiency that would render one party unfit for marriage.

(4) He does not feel that either party will have a negative influence upon the other.

(5) He is not aware that one party lacks something that the other is insistent upon, or has something to which the other has explicitly expressed strong objection.

Should there be any doubt as to whether any of these conditions have been met; the counsel of a talmid chacham (a very learned person) should be sought.

Pella Chanuka Music Video

The 2-date minimum

Being an out-of-towner, whenever I come to NY or the boy's city for a date, most shadchanim will ask for a 2-date minimum, meaning the guy has to agree to atleast 2 dates. I sorta agree and disagree with this.

For one, I guess it is polite and well-mannered to atleast show that you are willing to give it a second try (unless something is terribly wrong with the date/girl/guy, or obviously not shayach at all after date #1) and at the same time, usually when someone is traveling, they stay for atleast more than one day and being that the purpose they are traveling is solely for dating, its sorta an understandable thing to do.

I've been asked the same when boys come to my town to date.

I disagree with the fact that sometimes, when its a clear "no" after date #1, going out again would clearly be leading the other party on and make them think you are interested when really you are not. I've always felt bad about this, especially when the guy knows NO ONE in my town and so if the Shadchan really bothers me about this, I clearly say that I don't mind taking him out, showing him around town, etc. but as long as he knows I'm not interested-that's when the Shadchan usually turns my offer down.

Last week, my good friend Shaindy went to NY. It was a really long trip and she went out with the guy on a first date. She came back and was waiting to hear if there was going to be another date the next day or if she should arrange to take the next bus/train/flight/ride back. Either way, she was sorta in limbo for 1-2 hours waiting to hear back from the shadchan, and with time ticking by in regards to last minute reservations either for travel, or for work.

FINALLY, the shadchan called her. This is a 2-date minimum shadchan. She also told Shaindy that she HAS TO travel for this boy as no one says "no" to him and he has a list and cannot wait even 3 days for her to travel. In any case, the shadchan just told her that the boy said it wasn't for him.

Needless to say, Shaindy actually though the guy was soo polite and mentchlech, she didn't even get the impression he wasn't interested, but with 1 hour left to catch the last flight/train/bus/ride out, she quickly tried to arrange her schedule.

So, do I think he was right in not going on a 2nd date in this case? Yes, atleast he was polite and the date was pleasant and he didn't lead her on or make her waste another day of work/travel, knowing he wasn't interested. Would it have killed him to take her out again? absolutely not, but what would that accomplish?

I think that shadchanim should establish a 2 hour Maximum-which means that after a date ends, both parties have 2 hours MAX to call the shadchan with their decision, especially when its with out-of-towners, so they know where they stand and so they can make whatever arranegments are necessary, instead of waiting in limbo and not knowing what to do.

In Honor of Chanuka: Maccabeats-Miracle

The 'Drei-Kopp' Shadchan

So there's this shadchan who used to be big time into making shidduchim when I started dating, then eventually, other Shadchanim got more popular and this shadchan sorta faded into extinction.

Recently she called me up to let me know she was 'back in action' and by doing so, was getting more updated with time and even set herself up online with email. She asked me to send her my updated info.

I havta admit, when she called me, I was totally unprepared and my past dealings with this shadchan had really made me lose patients with her, she's the type to drive you up a wall, or as I like to say a 'drei kopp' with minor stupidities, etc. and doesn't get the hint even if you have a huge light up billboard in her face. So Basically, she then started asking me all these technical questions, which after a few minutes, I realized to understand, she didn't know how to use internet. I was beginning to get really frustrated and made some kinda excuse that I had to leave and promised to send my info.

Thank goodness she found a tutor, or maybe someone checked her emails and she received my resume. But no, folks, this was not good enough for her.

She emailed/called/left messages that my resume was not up to par with her standards. Yes-you heard me. After years of being in the system and on the market I had been told by numerous people/shadchanim/friends how to change my resume. Of course, there were those who thought it was really well-written and gave a totally clear picture as to who I was and my personality type. There were those who thought it was TMI (too much info) and asked me to keep it basic, etc.

This Shadchan took EACH word I had written and nitpicked at it. She criticized each and every word I used-literally. I sat and listened to her patiently, but that only lasted for the first 10 minutes. Honestly-I was ready to tell her to just leave me alone and that she was incompetent and that for the past few years I had been sending the same resume (updating my age with each coming year) and NO ONE seemed to have issues with it and I was set up with decent guys, contrary to what she believed I would be set up with-based on my resume. But I remained polite and found some kinda measly excuse to hang up the phone.

OK, so you think she would sorta get the hint, right?

Nopes, not this Shadchan

Again, she called me and informed me that the way I wrote it, again nit-picking the terms I used, was totally misleading and people would understand that I would need such-and-such type of guy which is clearly not what I was looking for, etc. seriously?! Yes, she was serious! So, I told her in a very kind manner, that this is how I wrote it. She came out and asked me straight if she can change things on my resume. I just said-how I sent it, is how I'd like it to be sent further but anyone was free to do whatever they want with it-it's outta my hands whatever she does.

Well, peoples, I don't know what else can be done to salvage this situation, but to say that 'drei-kopps' will always remain 'drei-kopps' and I did my hishtadlus and tried to remain at ease and polite. After all, like she explained to me on the phone, her job is to just GET ME MARRIED. I mean, she didn't say happily married, or satisfied with my bashert-just marry me off and get her $$$.

HHmmmppphhh! Why does shidduchim have to always be so frustrating! Can't this madness end?!

Get in the Chanuka Spirit!

Question of Class/Manners

I sorta need an opinion on the following. It has happened to me numerous times on dates and I always come home feeling like I don't know if I did the 'right' thing or not. I don't honestly believe there is a right or wrong to this situation, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this.

You go on a date and the guy takes you to a Starbucks. On the date, or in line at the coffee shop you discuss the different options, whose the coffee drinker, and of course, the all-important cholov yisroel or not question. The guy says he only drinks cholov yisroel and orders either a tea, or soy drink, or something which doesn't have an issue with the milk. The girl, aka, me, keeps cholov stam and can drink anything with regular milk, or OU-D or OK-D, so technically she can order a whole lot more.

Is it not good manners to order something cholov stam, which the guy cannot order? Is it polite to ask if he minds if you order cholov stam? Should you just smile politely and order plain black coffee with a shot of (pareve) flavor?

I usually just go with my cholov stam options, but that's cuz I'm such a coffee shop addict. But then I feel like I'm sitting there with my fancy frappe/moccacchino/latte and the guy is drinking this pathetic, dull, plain black coffee or worse-TEA!

What would you do and what do you feel is the polite/sensitive/well-mannered/proper way to handle this?

Always ASK First!

Lately I've been hit by the 'send your resume' trend. By this I don't imply people calling and just asking me to send my resume....well, technically, I DO sorta mean that, but I guess the calls that have been coming in lately, and the traffic that I was causing in cyberspace by sending out all the emailed attachments, were such a nuisance that I decided to put an end to it.

I knew there was no way to actually STOP sending resumes, cuz obviously people still need my info, but there had to be SOME way I can sorta censor what I was sending, to whom, and if there was a good enough reason, other than 'well they requested you email your info', especially when half the people either already had my information emailed/faxed/given to them.

So, here was my brilliant idea: always ASK who they have in mind before sending out the info. Like, when I take down the email address where I will be sending the resume, I ask them the name of the guy in case he was suggested before, or we went out, etc.

I tried this the last few times I got calls and 3 out of 4 of the people were suggesting boys who I had heard of/dated in the past and were not shayach. Hence, I save myself the time, energy, etc of sending out my resume, saving the people time of calling/emailing back and forth all for no reason.

I told a friend of mine about my theory, and she put it to the test. Guess what? the guy she was asked to send her resume for was already suggested more than once in the past and also had her info. So she saved herself from aggravation.

That's my friendly advice=it can't hurt to ask first!

Viral Proposal

Is There a Maximum Amount of Times to Get Redd?

OK, so here's what's been on my mind this week:

how many times can you get 'redd' to the same guy in your entire singlehood (term made up by yours truly)?

I know there are only 'so many' single guys out there, and it narrows down the list of single men when you get more specific to what 'type' of guy you want, and then there's background, religious level, working/learning, etc. so the pool of guys I get offered to are usually friends with each other-which works out GREAT in terms of getting info=I go out with one guy, he mentions a few friends, 2 of which I've heard of, and I get to sorta find out about them thru him=well, mostly NOT, cuz I usually don't ask about other single guys when I'm out with one, but ok.

So then there's the people who believe that if you heard of a guy a few times, it must mean something. Ya-been there & done that, more than once and trust me=the only thing it DID mean, was there was a real good reason all those other times never worked out=NOT FOR ME.

But then recently, a few separate people mentioned the same guy, who was redd to me more than once a few years back and nothing came of it. Should I get annoyed? or just politely say thank you and decline?

"The Shidduch Hits the Fan" - The Groggers

The NASI Project

Correct me if I'm wrong, cuz I don't exactly have the exact facts & figures about this Nasi program, but I've definitely been hearing about the whole controversy since they last advertised.

Personally, I stopped reading the Yated, Hamodia, Jewish Press, etc. not because of anything specific (I got into chicflicks!) so I heard about this from family and friends and I'm upset about it.

I think that however nice and thoughtful it is that people are getting together and forming organizations to try and help the singles get married, the fact that money is involved-and by money I mean that they decide, dependent on the single's age, etc. how much one should pay, is disgusting.

Whilst, I agree that everyone who works in the field of shidduchim works hard, whether the date continues on or doesn't even happen, and yes, they should get paid, personally, I think this whole money issue is sick. Here's why:

If a couple, nebech, has been married a while and wasn't yet Blessed with children and obviously, they did whatever they can, went around for Brachos, seen doctors, etc. and they go to one Frum organization willing to help these couples and the organization tells them 'well, we can TRY, there are no guarantees, but if your childless for 5+ years you gotta pay $1000, and if your childless for 7+ years, you gotta pay $1500, etc. doesn't that leave a bad taste in their mouth? The organization is totally taking advantage of someone else's pain, AND without any guarantees. All these people who so-call 'volunteer' for these things are not, in my eyes, volunteers, they are busy putting prices on our pain!

Imagine a family with 3-4 kids on the market, all within 1-2 years age difference=they will pay so much money and for what?

Aside from the fact that there is a Halachic obligation to pay Shadchanus, which I believe, most people pay and they pay whatever they feel is the correct amount or whatever they can afford.

So, basically, the fact that people who say they wanna help and put a price on my age (based on all the misery I've been through, all the comments I get from people at Chasunas, or wherever, all the horrible dates, all the Shadchan interviews, the long trips to NY or wherever the guy has been, etc. and the price gets higher the longer you've been in the system) I think it's just wrong.

A human being cannot decide to price a person based on age, never mind based on anything else. My husband to be is priceless, this experience is priceless and all the 'volunteers, shadchans, family, friends, shidduch-redders', they are just a Shliach of Hashem.

Kate-Welcome to the Frum world!

The last few days the media has been focusing on the rumours that Kate Middleton is expecting. From the photos, to what she didn't eat, to the videos to the psycho-analysts, this is what the world is busy with. After all, we all love her, but c'mon isn't everyone entitled to their privacy, even the Royals? I mean they kept her wedding dress tightly under wraps, as well as the honeymoon plans, can't the media just leave her/them, alone until the Royal couple decides to make an official statement when they are ready for the world to know?

Well, Kate, welcome to our world. You turn 18 and suddenly you're thrust onto the market. If you look good, people give you the look and start to wonder if you're dating/getting engaged that day. If you're hair/makeup/dress is different, you get eyes all over you, people speculating exactly why there is a change in/about you.

And when finally, you get engaged and it's official and you have the beautiful wedding you've always dreamed of-it ain't over yet. From the sheva brachos until you put on maternity-people have their eye on you. The way you stand, where you put your hands, what you drink/eat, what you're wearing, if you've gained/lost weight. We all know what they're thinking, we all know what's on their minds, but c'mon people: leave the newlyweds ALONE! Can't everyone enjoy some privacy? Trust me, when they're ready to tell you-they will. When there's news-you'll know. There's no need for discussions, looks, speculations and judgment in the interim.

We all know the order in the life-cycle and eventually everyone gets to whatever stage they need to in due time. When they're ready to share any personal information-it's their decision to share it. So no questions should be asked, no comments should be made, no looks should be given. Just do the adult thing and leave them be, until they're ready to share.

What's the Rush

I was pressured by a Shadchan to give an answer for a guy that she suggested to me, only 3 days earlier. I explained to her that I was trying my best to give her an answer, however I couldn't get through to any of the references provided and the people whom I called, not on the resume, didn't seem to even know of the family, let alone the boy.

She kept calling and explaining how I can't just leave things and let people wait around. But no matter how polite I was, in explaining that I wasn't leaving things and was doing my best to find out info, she just seemed to get more frustrated.

Last we spoke, was 2 days after that when I called her to get some more specific details in order to see if there was anyone I can call who might know them from these details but she refused to provide them to me. Instead I listened for 20 minutes while she 'kindly' told me off and how AMAZING the guy was and how NO girl in her right mind even looks into him. His name is gold, basically, and when a girl gets a 'yes' from this guy, they just go out, like that night.

So, finally, after failing to get any info and/or getting through to any references, I caved. I called her and told her that I would go out.

The response: well, because I called her back with an answer which was NOT immediate (aka a few hours later), the guy would only be available to go out with me in 2 weeks time.

So, I ask.....WHAT IS THE RUSH?!?!

Sloppy Seconds

OK, my singledoms, I'm quite frustrated (again!)

Here's the deal:

There's me, the single out-of-town gal in Shidduchim, and there's my first cousin, who also shares the same last name, from the same town, who, even though is a few years my junior, is also in Shidduchim.

Now, although we share the same last name, the same family background and similar genes, and we're looking for the same type of guy, we're two very different girls! We don't look alike, we have different personalities, or what I like to refer to as 'me=the zany, she=the brainy' and we may share similar values, but again, are 2 separate beings.

Here's wherein the frustration lies.

Because our last name is uncommon and we're both from a small out-of-town town, and we're both looking for a guy in the same category, we often get 'redd' the same guys. B"H I'm close with my cousin and we share our dating stories, etc. and this is how we found out that we either were redd to the same or dated the same boys. But lately, what is happening is that a guy gets suggested for me and then decides that because we're the same age, he's not interested, but then goes for my cousin, just because her age 'fits', so to speak. This happens because it goes through the same Shadchan. For example, 'Reuven Shimon' gets my profile, looks into me, the shadchan sings my praises but then he finds out that we're the same age, or really close in age and says no due to that fact alone. The Shadchan then says, he's such a great guy, and she has a cousin looking for the same type, but she's younger, maybe he'll go for the cousin, and then that's how the story goes.

So, ya, I'm frustrated because we are constantly being put together as the same person only with 2 different ages. my cousin is getting frustrated as she's only getting suggested to these boys because they think she's a younger version of me=she's getting my sloppy seconds, so to speak.

So, how do you think we can stop this from happening? Like I can't help what happens without my knowledge and what shadchans and/or other people say/suggest/email, but I guess as long as we have the same last name, the same hometown and same specs on the type of guy, it'll just keep happening, huh?

The REAL Shidduch questions to ask

Chazal tell us that Noach used a “secret weapon” with which he was able to rebuild the world anew after the destruction of the flood: "vbch sxj okug"/ R’ Mordechai Gifter ZT”L explains that the fact that Noach was locked inside a floating ark for 120 days with nothing to do but chessed - kindness for his family, kindness for the animals - was for the sole purpose of entrenching the ideal of chessed into his very fiber so that when it would be time to come out and start all over

again, he would do so with the attribute of kindness. This was - and continues to be - the only way the world can exist.

It is told that one day a Yid from Yerushalayim traveled to Bnei Brak to ask the Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh, R’ Shmuel Rozovsky ZT”L, about a boy in the yeshivah for his daughter who had reached marriageable age. He arrived at the yeshivah and entered the Rosh Yeshivah’s home during the break between learning sessions.

R’ Shmuel greeted him cordially and asked why he had come. He explained to the Rosh Yeshivah that he was inquiring about a particular boy and R’ Shmuel told him to ask what was on his mind.

The man wanted to know, first and foremost, how many hours a day did the bochur learn? Was he punctual in arriving to Seder and did he spend his time diligently? Does he come to davening on time and does he actively participate in the Shiur? Does he ask relevant questions and does he understand the answers?

R’ Shmuel knew the boy well and was able to answer each and every question satisfactorily. After receiving a favorable report in regard to his questions, the man thanked R’ Shmuel for his time and began to get up to leave. At this point, R’ Shmuel in his gentle and noble manner, turned to the father and said, “Until now, you’ve asked me a number of questions. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?” Of course, the man agreed.

R’ Shmuel looked at the man and said, “It seems to me that you are inquiring about the boy for your daughter and you seem happy with the report I gave you. You obviously think that all your daughter needs to know is whether he comes on time and if he is a lamdan, a boy who is studious and well-versed in the intricacies of the Talmud.” The man nodded his head in agreement. “Did it ever occur to you,” asked R’ Shmuel, “do you think it is entirely possible that your daughter would like to know if this boy is a mentsch? If he is a Baal Chessed?”

R’ Shmuel continued. “It would seem fitting that you should ask me: How often does he brush his teeth? Is he pleasant to sit next to? How does he behave in the company of others? Does he arrive first to the dining room and take the biggest portion, or does he linger after mincha for a few minutes to learn with his study partner and eat whatever portion is left?”

The man began to answer but R’ Shmuel just continued speaking. “I’m sure your daughter would be curious to know what does he do when the pitcher is empty on the table; does he wait for someone else to fill it up or does he run to fill it up himself? Does he ever go into the kitchen to thank the staff for preparing the food? Does he eat the food even if he doesn’t like it and thanks them graciously for preparing it or does he just go to the nearby kiosk to buy something he likes?

“You came to the conclusion that he is a masmid; did you ask what he does when he finishes learning late at night and his roommates are sleeping? Does he take off his shoes and tiptoe in so as not to wake them or does he walk in noisily? Does he make his bed and keep his things neat? Does he think about others and want to do chessed for them or does he just think about himself?” R’ Shmuel concluded, “I think that you need to check these things out. If he is spoiled and he arrives home in the afternoon and does not like the food your daughter will work hard to prepare, will his face crumple in obvious dissatisfaction? Will your daughter then be happy that her father checked the boy out with the Rosh Yeshivah who told him that he knows every Ketzos and Rabbi Akiva Eiger? Will you daughter say, it’s true that he has no manners and no social skills but I respect him anyway because he knows the sugya of the bees and the mustard in Bava Basra?”

The man hung his head in shame - but he got the message. This is was R’ Shmuel’s approach to finding the proper shidduch for a bas yisroel.

Taken from Torah Tavlin Parshas Noach

How does it Work?

Guys-I need your help here. I need to sorta understand how men work when it comes to being frum in regards to certain things and being lax in others.

So, I consider myself a Bais Yaakov-outta town girl. I'm relaxed, fun, worldly, have internet, watch tv, listen to radio, but I go to shiurim, I go to Shul, I daven, I dress tzniusdik and I am Shomer Negiah and don't hang out with guys.

Whilst I have friends who are all of the above, none of the above, or only some of the above, that's the beauty of being different, right?

And so, I have dated guys from all different walks of life, different personalities, different backgrounds and levels of frumkeit.

So here's what I don't get. How do you decide which of the following to be makpid on, i.e. only eating cholov yisroel, not watching movies, not listening to kol isha, etc. whilst being lax on others, i.e. going to a sports bar, listening to the radio, wearing jeans, etc.

And can you mix the two?

I'm not judging here, cuz I have nothing specific, I'm just trying to understand how it works. Like if I go out with a guy who only wears white shirts and black pants, is from a very yeshivish family, doesn't watch movies, listen to music, comes from a small community, and then he tells me that he watches American Idol, is that considered normal or 'black sheep'?

I HATE playing 'The Game'

Last week I called yet another NEW Shadchan.

y'know those people you randomly meet, or the nice neighbors whose daughter of 18 1/2 years just got engaged, so now they feel they can share their segulah secrets, and give you the name of all Shadchanim they dealt with, etc. Ya, so basically, we got some more numbers and made some more introductions, well, y'all know the drill....

After all the calls and emails and texts, one of the Shadchanim actually got in touch and agreed to meet me. So, there I was yapping away, telling the Shadchan about all my horror date stories and making fun of the real bad ones and it was totally cool. I was actually beginning to like the Shadchan when the topic of sending photos came into play. I explained how I felt, honestly, and how I understood that photos are great-you can save yourself alot of time, effort and traveling sometimes just by viewing one, but at the same time, it should be a give & take thing=boy wants photo, he should send one as well, etc.

side note-I've done this in the past and it has worked well. I don't mean it worked well as in I got tons of pix of hot guys, but I mean that both sides were mature about it, cooperated, sent pix, were honest about whether after viewing the pix they wanted to go ahead and case closed.

I guess that was my downfall cuz then the Shadchan went on a whole rant about having to play the 'Shidduch Game'. No offense my single friends, but I HATE to play any type of Shidduch game. Ya, I LOVE to play-sports, dance dance, farmville, scrabble, anything fun and exciting, but when it comes to real people and people's lives and emotions=there are no fun & games involved in such things. I explained that I'm an honest person and as much as I love crazy things and acting all nutso sometimes, I can't fake anything, nor can I play along with any games, just so that a guy would be willing to go out with me-it's just soo not my thing! I don't like to deceive people, especially when it comes to Shidduchim and I don't like being deceived either.

Anyway, turns out that convo didn't go that smoothly, but I just hate to think how many people are just playing the game just to be in it.

scarrrrrrry!

WELCOME HOME GILAD SHALIT!

Whilst I had so much time to think over yom tov (in between the davening and all those meals) and had many great ideas for posts, it's been B"H so hectic that I haven't had time to publish them....yet. So until I get there, how can I not post a huge

WELCOME HOME GILAD SHALIT!

Watching the video clips made me cry, as I'm sure was the same reaction for most. But B"H he's home and what a Simchas Torah they will have.

May we all merit that are long awaited zivugim finally come HOME to us and we can all celebrate our Simchas Toras together with our true other halfs!

2 Boxes

I received this email and believe it's a great thought to start off the new year with=being greatful for all those Gifts Hashem gives to us!

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, 'Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold.'

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
'I wonder where my sorrows could be!'
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
'My child, they're all here with me..'

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
'My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.'

We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
Send this to a friend today just to let them know you
are thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life.
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.
But the treasure inside for you to see,
Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me

Any Answer is still an Answer!

I may have mentioned this before, so don't kill me if I somehow am repeating myself.

Here's the deal:

I've been 'redd' a few guys in the last couple of weeks and was asked, as well, to email my Shidduch resume, to which I quickly sent the info.

Days passed, weeks passed, and nothing happened.

At first, we called the people who 'redd' the shidduch, even though I KNOW that when you don't get an answer=the answer is NO, but sometimes people are just forgetful and not always on top of things and they need to be nudged.

So, I did my share of nudging. I HATE nudging, but we called, and we emailed and we left messages but NADA! Literally not a returned call, or anything.

Eventually, my mom ended up getting through to one of the people who never got back to us. Turns out, weeks later, the person who redd the shidduch gave some kinda indirect, sketchy response about the boy who he suggested just starting school and won't have time to date, etc.

Now, ladies & gents-do I care what the excuse is? No! In all of honesty, every excuse is just that=an excuse. Like the guy didn't know a few weeks prior that he signed up for school, or that he'd be too busy to date? If that was the case, why did he even request my info? He should've just told the shadchan, 'sorry dude, I'm starting courses and will not be available for dating for the next few weeks until the semester is over'.

So, I don't care about what excuse the person uses. The only thing I request of Shadchanim and people 'redd'ing (me) shidduchim is JUST TO GET BACK TO US SINGLES WHO ARE IN LIMBO once something is redd. Don't be embarrassed, ashamed, etc. if the other party says no and for whatever reason, but just PLEASE get back to them and let them know they can move on.

As far as I'm concerned, no one like hanging around waiting...

Maccabeats-Book of Good Life

I'm Thinking of You..

well folks, it's that time of the year again....the phonecalls, the good wishes, the 'back-rubbers' who come up to you in Shul to wish you a 'gut g'bentched yahr' with that slightly hidden wink and the mention of this year being 'the' year and full of Simchas, etc.

I sorta cringe at this time.

a) becuz it reminds me that another year has passed, and I'm STILL here, single and looking, just a year older than last.

b) the back rubbers-seriously, THINK the wishes, no need to rub my back whilst doing so. especially since we have NOTHING to do with each other-other than ur hand rubbing the small of my back whilst you have that pitiful look on your face

c) the wishes-I mean, what am I supposed to say? It's the same Bracha and wishes, I usually just avoid eye-contact and nod, silently thinking AMEN and please AMEN so I don't have to go through this (again) next year!

But, this year, my single friends, I thought of a plan. It all came about when a long-lost friend called me to wish me a gut g'bentched yahr and all that, and she said 'I just want to let you know that although we don't speak often; you're ALWAYS on mind mind'. This got me thinking. I'm gonna manufacture headbands for people to wear and on it, it BIG BOLD letters, it will state 'YOU'RE ON MY MIND'.

There, I said it. I have created what most of us singles will look at the best gift ever! That way all the well-wishers can walk around wearing these 'fashionable' headbands (customized color, fonts, bedazelled, etc.) and NOT have to say anything-we already KNOW we're on their mind :)

The FEW Good Men...

OK, so just as I was getting annoyed with all the pre-date conditions I was receiving from the guys who I was being suggested to, I got what my good friend, Ruchie calls a 'Hug from Hashem'.

A European boy was suggested to me....like a good few months ago.....and suddenly in midst of my pre-depressed state over all these pre-conditions from the pre-madonna'd guys, this European guy gets brought into the picture.

OK, big deal right? I won't hear about it for another few months...

But......and BIG BUT inserted here->

This European guy is now my MASCOT for what all single guys on dates should be like. He should go on a worldtour speaking to men and changing their 'Shidduch mentality'.

You see, this guy gave all the perfect (perfect in MY world) answers when asked questions. I guess he's just not that in touch with the Shidduch world, or just that it's European mentality, or just that he's a GREAT catch.

His #1 question was NOT for a photo, not for a resume, not to email his shadchan/sister/mother/agent, not how I look, not my skirt size, my weight, or if my family has money, but......and wait for this.....drumroll please.....he asked if I have good MIDDOS. WOW!

All the information that was relayed to me by the shadchan about how this boy acted and reacted was just soooo refreshing! so pleasant, so naive in a way, but worldly in another. Not a stuck up, snot-nose, full-of-himself guy who can request a girl for breakfast, lunch and supperm, but a selfless, mentchlech guy who actually cares. Old-fashioned mentality.

So, here's a shout out to the FEW good guys out there! Thanks for giving me hope, for giving me chizuk and mostly for letting me know that there really ARE some AWESOME single boys :)

American Boys Shidduch Process

Heads up single American guys-u ain't gonna appreciate me stereotyping u in this post.

But hey, what can I say? I'm basing this on my experience with American boys and DISCLAIMER: not all American frum single guys are like this, but the most of the ones I know or dated have been, so I'm basing this solely on my personal experiences with them.

So here's the situation: single out of town gals, such as myself, often get 'redd' to boys, most of whom are American, a handful of Canadians and for those lucky-some Europeans. I've been fortunate enough to call myself an International Dater. My experiences with all these boys from all around the globe has been wonderful, in that I got to know the different mentalities, upbringing, etc. all of which are not strictly due to their residences, but families/communities as well.

In any case, if I would have to sum up the 'shidduch procedure' for the typical American, here's how it goes.

Shadchan calls/emails/faxes asking for girl's resume.

girls sends resume

Shadchan calls, asks girl to edit resume, taking out things she believes boy would NOT appreciate and adding things that he might.

girl edits and sends.

Shadchan calls informing girl that guy requests photo

girl is hesitant and explains that she hasn't done this before, or only sent it once she checked into the boy

Shadchan speaks to boy, informs girl that THIS boy ALWAYS gets full resumes of loads of girls, along with 2 photos; one full length-one up close and without one, there is nothing to talk about.

girl finally gives in, sends in 2 photos.

girl waits 1 week

girl waits another week

by week 2.5, girl builds up courage and calls shadchan

Shadchan said she sent boy resume as well as photos and he said based on photos she's not what he's 'looking for'

boy & girl continue in Shidduch world....so does shadchan :)

Which brings me to my next post-a more positive post!

Shana Tova!

Baggage

I know that everyone has baggage, but I'm looking for a guy with carry-on only.

Don't Partner Together a Pair of Pants & a Skirt

This week's Parsha includes the mitzvah of not to harness together an ox and a donkey. The underlying idea behind this mitzvah is a very beautiful concept. One should not harness together two animals from different species since they will not work at the same rate and will only frustrate each other. How sensitive the Torah is to animals; how much more so must we be to people! In fact, the Sefer HaChinuch extends the sensitivity of this mitzvah to human beings and says there is a mitzvah not to set-up two individuals who are incompatible, in any type of relationship.

In our generation, it is true that we are experiencing a “shidduch crisis” and it is a tremendous mitzvah to arrange shidduchim between boys and girls. However, one should never simply throw together a “pair of pants and a skirt” in a self-righteous attempt to make a shidduch. This is extremely frustrating and upsetting to the prospective mates. One must realize

that creating a match is a wonderful and exciting endeavor, but it is also an awesome responsibility.

The Steipler Gaon ZT”L (quoted in uars, ubfak) says that there are three things that one should look for in a shidduch:

1) Yiras Shamayim.

2) Middos Tovos.

3) "MatIm"

the boy and girl should be “compatible” - with the same goals, attitudes and hashkafos on life. Family backgrounds and personality types should be taken into account as well.

Everyone (including YOU) should be trying to help those who are not yet married, to find their rightful zivug. But it is important to remember: PLEASE don’t match up two totally different types - “species” - (after all, as the saying goes, “Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus.”) - for by doing so, you may very well be transgressing a mitzvah in the Torah.

taken from Torah Tavlin-Parshas Ki Teitzei

Male or Female?

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

TIRES :
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

FREEZER BAGS :
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

HOT AIR BALLOONS :
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES :
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES :
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS :
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS :

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom .

HAMMERS :
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL :
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Online Verification of Facts

So how relevant is this to my previous post?

One of these online Shidduch sites has found me a potential match. When I click to open it, there is a new little flashy symbol that states that age verification. Naturally, I click on it. OK folks, I'm like a very curious person. So I like searching things and verifying stuff for myself, but being that this was new and I wasn't really buying it, I click onto it and it tells me that the guy who is my potential match had his age verified through various public records, etc.

So, I guess there has been alot of mishaps with regards to people's personal info. Wonder if they can verify the photos as well :)

Changing Who You Are.....on Paper

So last week I got a call from a Shadchan. She asked me to send her my resume, for the umptheeth time. So I just go to my sent items (from months back) and click 'forward' (once again) and there she has it.

Then I get a follow up call...Wait?! A follow up call?! who even DOES that these days? AND, it's waaaayy too soon for a 'yes' or 'no' answer from the guy, after all, it has only be a few days since it was sent, so, here I'm thinking, WHY am I getting this 'follow up' call?

Turns out she wants me to change something on my resume.

Now, peoples, here's the way I work: I have my resume, I send it, and once it's in my sent items, and in the inbox of the receiver-they can do whatever they want with it-assuming they ain't forwarding it to their entire email list, and/or posting it in Times Square or somethin. So I give them permission to cut, copy, and paste whatever they wanna show or not show and voila, as the French say.

This Shadchan, however, informed me that she was worried the boy wouldn't agree to date me as we are the same age. When I was younger, heck ya, it mattered to me if a guy was younger than me, as like I was 21-22, so a male younger than that is what I consider 'real immature', but in my current age, it hasn't really bothered me, but I get that a guy would be 'bothered' by it. Anyway, the Shadchan was worried and asked me to remove my age from the paper.

Logically, I always ask age, so whether its on the paper or not, I would still ask, but the Shadchan said the boy can find out on his own.

So, my fellow singles, you are the senders & receivers of such resumes....what would YOU do?

Camp Simcha-Light Up the Night

Why do we even BOTHER ticking off the boxes?

OK, is it only me who has these issues? I sent the resumes, I re-edit the resumes when Shadchanim tell me to remove/add certain stuff. I send my photos, crop the photos, upclose, full length, zip the files, and even go on the online websites when asked to. I spend hours signing up on those sites, filling out forms, ticking off boxes, all to 'help' me and to enable the chosen matchmakers online to better understand more about me and what type of guy I'm looking for.

THEN, I receive matches that are TOTALLY NOT shayach, like at all!

If I check off that I'm looking for someone between 22-28, who is single, modern-orthodox, working and outgoing, I get a match for a guy who is like 33, divorced with 3 kids, sefardi/lubavitch, who is learning in yeshiva and is a quiet-more to himself type personality.

I must admit, it is definitely quite frustrating when spending so much time, trying to help people just 'get' me and to help them understand what type I'm looking for, but I feel that after all the MISmatches I'm being sent and being 'redd' to, why even bother? It is a waste of time and energy, it's as if these people are obligated to set up 1 girl/guy on the site per week and they just log in, click 'match' and BAM=they did their duty.

So, peoples, am I the only single who is experiencing this issue?

Finally! Disconnection allowing yourself to CONNECT

Hashem

“Hashem doesn’t have a Blackberry or an iPhone, but He is my favorite contact.

He doesn’t have Facebook, but He is my best friend.

He doesn’t have Twitter, but I follow Him nevertheless.

He doesn’t have internet, but I am connected to Him.

And even though He has a massive communication system, His customer service never puts me on hold!”

Tu B'Av

I know it's a tad too late for this, but being that I forgot to post it 'bo bayom', I still wanted to put it out there.

So y'all know about Tu B'Av. It's like THE DAY for Shidduchim. The day that in the past, all the girls went out with their pretty (borrowed) dresses and danced in the vineyards, and the young single men would go out and look for themselves a wife. Being that they all borrowed dresses, the men were told not to look at the beauty but of the families wherein the women came from, as the true beauty of a woman is on the inside, her essence, her core, her Yiras Hashem.

It is a celebrated day as 2 bans were lifted from the Jews on this day in the past: they were allowed to remarry the sons of Binyamin and (2) that girls whose father died were allowed to marry out of their Shevet.

Basically, it is what I call a 'Segulah Day' or in more simple terms: 'A day to remind us we're all single and need to find our zivug'

This year, as in the past, we received more than a few phonecalls where people told us a few segulos, offered to say Tehillim on my behalf or had an idea in mind and they just figured because Tu B'Av was now, maybe they should 'redd' it on that day, etc. I rolled my eyes at each call thinkin, here we go again, but at the same time, reminding myself that as annoying as this may be, these people are just honestly trying to help. In truth, I am (still) single, that's my matzav at the moment and I should be doing my utmost to find my future mate, but as a Frum girl I'm sorta limited in the sense that I'm not gonna put on my leather mini skirt and hang out in the bars.

Darn, why can't we all just borrow each others clothes and have a flashmob of frum single girls dancing to the same song and let the guys watch and choose?

Summer for Singles?

Since the start of summer I've heard many 'single' comments, mostly directed at me, such as:

'Isn't it easier to get a date in the summer? it's quieter then'

'you should go on vacation, maybe you'll meet a nice guy-who knows?'

'He's burnt out, he's taking the summer off'

'You shouldn't go on vacation, you should be dating-your first priority should be to get married. THEN, once that's taken care of, only THEN can you go on vacation (with your hubby)'

In any case, I can go on and on and on, as have some of the people who were quote above, but seriously peoples, my fellow singles, is this nuts?

Do you find that you get more or less dates in the summer than during the year? I don't know about most of you, but I have a typical office job, where we were ALL year round, no summers off. I'm always ready to date, even if a guy comes in and it's crazy hectic at work and at home, I make time in my schedule to date him and I expect anyone to do the same for me.

Also, what's this about burnt out? We're all burnt out and we all need vacas, but from the looks of it (after seeing many friends marry), you only get to go on vaca-at your HONEYMOON. Until then, guys & gals, it's like Shidduch Boot Camp!

And why can't we enjoy single life? This is the time to enjoy, no responsibilities (to a spouse, children, etc), care-free, relax, party on. I'm all for vaca, anytime you can take it-grab the opportunity, who knows when you'll have the chance to chill with friends again. You don't wanna regret that.

So, do you think Summer is for Singles or would you say Summer is for Shidduchim (only!)

Why not 'Revisit'?

I can't believe it's August already and I feel like I NEED A VACATION!

y'know how shadchanim are always telling you (or is it just me that they tell?) how boys are 'burnt out' and are 'taking a break' from shidduchim, etc. How come girls can't ever take breaks? I tried it once and I get why it's not a good idea (look at it from a diff. point of view and you will see why) but everyone needs a breather....which is why I'm spending my evenings looking up vacation spots-as the minute tisha b'av is out, I'm outta here!

But....in the meantime, the sad reality is that currently my status is still 'single', dry-as-a-fly, minus the 'plus one' in attendance, 1/2 of a whole, pathetic soul, etc.

Which means, I gotta keep smiling at people, answering the same questions (are you picky or what?) and looking all prim and proper. and even so, I still get the calls:

"Hi SOS, my name is Mrs. ___, I'm a Shadchan from this Shidduch group. Anyway, your name was mentioned and it seems like 4 out of the 5 people in the group either heard about you, or set you up. Which is how I came to calling you. Apparently _____ was 'redd' to you before and you went out. We know because when Mrs. ___ mentioned his name for you, she immediately emailed the boy who emailed back that you dated years back but YOU said no. So perhaps, since he sounded interested and you're BOTH STILL SINGLE, you may want to REVISIT this boy? Y'know I know atleast THREE couples that are married now that dated once and called it off the first time because it wasn't for them but then years later it came back and they both went out and are happily married. YOU NEVER KNOW (heavy NY accent), it may just be Bashert and you're both sooo similar."

ya, I feel like getting the 'recycled' guys and then getting pushed into saying yes because honestly, I can't remember why I said no at the time, is just making me more upset. It looks to me like these people are saying 'hey girl, everyone out there your age is married already, so either marry someone who is divorced, widowed or recycle the ones you dated in the first place. By now, one of those should be up to your likings'

humph...while everyone is telling me to 'revisit' my old options and look through my books, the only place I'm thinkin of revisiting right now is DisneyWorld!

Anyone wanna join? (perhaps there'll be some fun frum guys there and it may just be the place I needed to revisit in order to find my bashert)

The What's 'UnderThere' Underwear Debate

Lately, my friends have all caught on to my lingerie fetish. OK, so I'm a bit obsessed. OK, there's no way I will walk into a Victoria Secret without walking out empty handed. Yes, I love PJs and all that goes with it. But hey, everyone has their fetish and as long as I'm wearing whatever it is 'under there' then its all tznius and it's a win-win situation.

Whilst speaking to a newly married friend and telling her about my new buy, she said to me 'SOS-you better buy stuff now, cuz after you get married, you ain't gonna have the time to even think about buying such stuff.' I gotta admit-that sorta scared me. I mean, when it comes to something that you like, something that makes you happy, or what I like to call 'retail therapy' how can you be sooo busy, that you won't have time to shop for something as basic and necessary as underwear?

At the same time, another one of my friends had mentioned that she wears really racy stuff. I must admit, I was shocked, I mean coming from her, but if that's how far she'll go in terms of being racy, then so be it. After all, no one will ever know (except her cleaning woman who does her laundry and her hubby-to-be).

What I don't get is the people who tell you that you shouldn't be into all this stuff. Instead, you should be going to your local Wal-Mart or something of the sort and buying Fruit of the Loom tighty whities. I just don't get it people. Everyone has their own style, be it hair, accessories, clothing, makeup, or just a 'look', so what's wrong with a lingerie style? It's not as if we're advertising it? It's not as if it shows or anyone can see it? Why would it bother people? If anything shouldn't we be comfortable and feel even a bit proud/confident with our so-called 'boldness' in personal taste of lingerie fashion? Shouldn't that be a step towards the 'we're ready to get married, so we can get more awesome lingerie for our hubbies to appreciate as well', or is that not?

(although I havta admit, there should be Halachos against the really racy stuff-anyone say lacy red thongs?)

Aside from that, I also have it on good authority that those of Sefardi origins have bridal showers where their future mom-in-laws actually buy them an entire trousseau of expensive lingerie. How much more embarrassing is that? A single gal, in a room with all her friends, her mom's friends, cousins, relatives, etc. accepting something as personal as lingerie from her hubby-to-be's mom?! Now if that is not traumatizing, what is?

The way I see it is-if they can't see it, so be it. Buy it, wear it, be happy.

If a Girl Says "No"

I don't know why this suddenly just hit me now, but why is it that when a guy is offered a girl and he says no, then its fine. The guy is allowed to say no, it's not for him. No one will ask why or persuade him to say yes or atleast to consider the idea.

When a girl says 'no' than she gets heck from people. After all, by the time the shidduch got redd to her, the guy actually said 'yes' which means 'how dare she say no?'

Shadchan Conversation Starters

Don'tcha just luv it when a Shadchan calls you up and opens the convo with the following line:

"I have a guy for you. I really don't know him (that well) but I heard he's a great guy and I think it can really work"

Ya, us singles, looove hearing that. I'm sure to most of you, that's a normal conversation starter and personally, it irks me, because in all of honesty 'ya never know' always lurks in the back of my mind, but 'C'mon! get real!' is what I'm thinking as I roll my eyes and listen to the Shadchan's list of qualities, schools and references..

Last week I had a call from a woman. She's not a Shadchan, not a teacher, neighbor or relative. In fact, I don't even know her, which is how I was suspicious of her call in the first place. She claimed to have heard about me (and my 'singleness') and said she had a boy. She told me she didn't know him or his family well, but she would find out.

Then there was a long silence

A long awkward silence.

Then she asked if I had any questions.

I kid you not, folks, I had to hold back my laughter and told her I had no questions at all (aside from 'how did she get my number?') as all she said was she has a guy whom she doesn't know and SHE was the one calling ME.

Then she asked me one question about myself, just ONE small bit of non-important info and asked me what she had to do.

So, I, the 'single' gave this woman, the so-called 'shadchan' advice on how to go about redding a shidduch. Point #1 being, 'actually try and KNOW both sides, or atleast ONE side'.

In any case, I have yet to hear back from her. I doubt I will.

But seriously people, you're calling us singles to try and sell an idea, a potential husband-atleast TRY and start the conversation with something more exciting, enticing, believable, a great opening line!

The 'Half-Shadchans'

I have come upon a new fashion lately. Nothing to do with shoes, hairstyles or clothing; A 'Shadchan Fashion' that I have named the 'Half-Shadchan'

You see, it all starts with a phonecall. It could be from someone you know, or someone you don't know. It's usually a shy person, or someone who never dabbled in shidduchim, perhaps even a teenager or a single friend. They call you up and tell you they heard about a guy. As the phonecall goes on, the caller, you find out, doesn't really actually know the guy, but only heard of him from someone else who either

a) went out with him

b) met him in (i) grocery store (ii) waiting room (iii) the bank

c) got his resume from a friend/relative who went out with him and said he's a great guy but just not her 'type'

d) just joined a shidduchgroup and heard about him.

Whatever the case, it's a sort of name-dropping situation, so in fact, the 'half-shadchan' thinks she is helping and is sooo happy she got the courage to make the phonecall and be 'involved' when infact, it is not helpful at all. Dropping a name means nothing. You gotta do all the research yourself (most of the time, without any resume to follow) and then, if you finally decide, if you finally GET info on the guy, that it sounds at all shayach, then you actually have to FIND someone YOURSELF, who will 'redd' the shidduch. This is almost unlikely as how will you find someone who knows you AND who feels confident enough to redd YOU to this guy they most likely never even heard of, let alone know.

So folks, if you actually build up the courage to make a phonecall and you really wanna help and be involved in Shidduchim, please, it's just ONE MORE extra call for you to make (get the guy's info and speak to him/his family about the girl) in order to move the Shidduch along.

Humph!!! Half-Shadchans!

HaTzaddik Leibby Kletzky A"H

Whilst I know this blog is about Shidduchim, I can't help but NOT think of Leibby Kletzky A"H. The past few days, every news site, be it foxnews, yahoo, to vosizneias & yeshivaworld has been covering this story. I admit, I was hopeful that they would find him and eagerly prayed for his return or that he be found, perhaps asleep on a park bench, from all the walking, when it was clear from the video footage that he was lost.

I can't even describe my feelings when I woke up and first thing, still in pjs, opened my iphone to check the news and read the headlines. My heart dropped, my eyes bulged, I was in denial-how can this be? How can an innocent, young, beautiful child have this happen to him? How can such a thing happen? A brutal murder-a yiddishe neshama?!?! Who ever heard of such a thing? These things are unheard of in our communities. How much more surprised to hear that the murderer-the butcher, the sicko, psycho, freak of nature, is a Yid?!? Who DOES this?! Who even has a heart to do such things?! I'm still in shock, I'm still pained by the thought of his parents, family and even, nebach, poor Leibby who met the wrong adult from whom he asked for directions.

And so, this post goes for him. We've heard and seen over the past few days what a Kiddush Hashem the Jewish name has made over the media. Reporters, newspapers, media, youtube all were impressed by the thousands and thousands of volunteers, the speediness and efficiency in the way the search was handled, sooo many caring individuals who gave up of their time, their early mornings, evenings, 24/7s to help search for this precious neshamale.

I received the following link by email and thanks to TheCoolJew for putting it in writing.

May we only share in Simchos!

How to Help Yourself? Name Swap!

So, it's been a while since my last post-and I apologize for that, but my pc broke, so I'm working off of laptops, netbooks, iPhones and such and I hate borrowing other's people's stuff for a bit longer than the checking of emails...

In any case being that I'm still 'stuck in the Shidduch scene' I decided there must be SOMETHING I can do to help myself, other than waiting around for phonecalls/email/faxes, which are getting less and less and when they DO come in, are getting worse and worse (in terms of the potential candidates). Then I met a friend of mine who I literally haven't seen in months. We got talking and of course after updating each other on our lives, the convo turned to, well, what else? Shidduchim, as we are both 'still' single. We started to think of guys for the other one-which was sweet, and such a natural thing to do for a friend, especially in the same situation, you WISH the person to just be OVER the Shidduch-dating already and just be settled, happily married, etc. and then we mutually decided to name swap.

I'm not saying a few names, I'm talking organized, techy name-swapping. The full fledged, sit down at the Cafe, bring your laptop, bring your Access Database, or Excel worksheet with all info and going through all potentials for an hour or so. And this, ladies & gents, is what we intend doing. If nothing comes of it, atleast we both know we tried, we did our Hishtadlush and perhaps, who knows, we may come up with a good idea for any of these potential guys that might not be shayach for either of us.

I suggest you all do the same, you 'never know'...

Just 'cuz we're BOTH single, doesn't mean we're the SAME!

My bestie & I are often 'redd' to the same guys. Well, we ARE besties, so I'm sure there's some kinda similarity between us, aside from both of us being Frum, single, fun, gals looking for our future hubby. Also, we are both looking for the same type of boy. Notice I said same type and not same because, whilst we may be similar, we are obviously 2 separate individuals and there is a set zivug for every person, so whilst we may both be looking for college/working guys, not every college/working guy is the same.

There are different backgrounds, different minhagim, levels of Frumkeit, personalities, hobbies, etc.

So, although you may think that all girls talk about the guys they date-wait a sec. ok, all girls probably talk about the guys they date, but even among my closest friends, we will talk about our dates, our horror stories, etc. but not mentioning names of course. The only time a name would come up is to ask if they were redd or dated the guy and can give some info/input, or if they might know someone who knows the guy (obviously dependent on the guy's info, e.g. city, shul, family, etc.) This is how we know we've been suggested to and/or dated the same guys.

Point being, recently I was suggested a guy and nothing came of it. In fact, I didn't even go out with him as we never heard back, which in my book simply means-they ain't interested.

A few weeks after, my friend called as she knew I had relatives living on the same block as the guy she was redd, and whilst she mentioned the name for me to ask my relatives, I realized it was the same guy and gladly gave her all the good info I heard (most of which was from that same relative!)

Somehow there was a mix-up and suddenly we both got calls back from our different shadchanim that the boy was interested in us=at the same time! Strange. Well, it came time to sorta break the news to our parents as to what was going on-like was he planning on double dating or what? So our parents called the shadchanim and explained the situation. The shadchanim spoke to each other and decided that whichever one of us was really interested in him, can have him, but we should decide on our own.

How ridiculous is that? Especially not even knowing the guy yet. Suffice it to say, we both pulled out, it just wasn't fair and was the most insane conclusion to a confusing situation.

Perhaps the guy thought we were the same person?

What is it with Weddings?

So, I've been bragging on this blog how I love June=wedding month. I still love June and I still love going to weddings (except the ones where the women line up outside the dancing circle to talk about each person, what they're wearing, how they look, etc.)

But what I just don't get is what is it with these weddings that make people sooo stupid?

Excuse me, but for lack of a better word at the moment, I just had to use the word stupid, because I don't know what else to coin it as.

I'll sum it up for you by telling you what happened at the last wedding I went to last week.

I was dancing in the circle and a guest of the wedding party came over to me. I haven't seen her in ages and she was talking to me and said she wanted me to meet someone. Well, normally I would've been hopeful, but knowing the guest and knowing the people at the wedding, let's just say I was MORTIFIED. She's the type of person that you never know what to expect. So, I sorta quickly excuse myself, praying that I could stake out in the women's washroom until she gets distracted or someone pulls her back into the dancing circle-but, no such luck.

Half an hour later, she finds me speaking with a friend outside the hall. She grabs my hand, pardons my friend and walks me to meet that 'someone'. Luckily, it wasn't some weird guy or somethin. Unluckily for me, it was a Shadchan. AND she was speaking with a woman and her daughter.

How much more awkward could the situation get? I actually knew the woman speaking to the Shadchan, her daughter is quite a few years younger than me-awkward. Even moreso, when the Shadchan finishes her 'meeting' with the woman, my wedding guests introduces us and it turns out, we met years back-awkward. So we make small talk (like, 'oh, I remember you, now, are you still looking? what's going on in ur life'-talk) and stand oddly looking around at other people, both of us waiting for an excuse to cut the meeting short.

But, as awkward as the whole thing was-I just don't get why people just don't have the brains to actually 'have these meetings' or 'small-talk's a little outside of the hall, where not everyone at the wedding has to look and see 'oh-there's SOS speaking with that Shadchan who made so-&-so's shidduch. Let's stand around and try and lip-read' or something to that effect. It makes it so much more impersonal and yes, even though weddings are in obvious time=in ur face time, when Shidduchim are totally out there and there are loads of singles (hopefully) on both sides of the mechitza looking to get married, and you're all dressed in your best, I still believe some dignity, privacy and respect is in order.

Am I wrong people?

Outdated Info

There has come a time in every shidduch-aged-single's life when they realize that the information they were provided on a potential match is outdated.

This can happen either whilst phoning a reference who happens to mention that he hasn't been in touch with the potential in years, or when finding out the potential is a few years OLDER than mentioned age on the resume, or that he is no longer in that yeshiva/job.

It then becomes quite frustrating, tracking down the UPDATED info and finding people who currently know the individual and then contacting the shadchan to let them know the info is outdated.

Some people are smart enough to put a date on their resume. That sorta helps, especially when they don't write their birthday, you can just figure it out by the date on the resume.

In any case, each time I send out my resume, I try and do a once-over to make sure everything is up to date.

Oddly enough, I got slack from a shadchan this week, informing me that it was difficult for her to 'redd' me to some guys as the info she has on me is years old. This was surprising to me, as in fact I had met with her not even a year ago, in PERSON and she even took notes whilst I was there, in addition to my resume, and lastly-embarassingly enough, pulled out a camera, explaining that even though she didn't tell me in advance, since I was there anyway, she would need a visual to remember me by.

So, even when you do make the effort to ensure everything is up to date-I guess for some people, it'll still make no difference-they probably just add your updated info to the back of their binders, or bottom of their pile and keep referring back to the old papers....

What Works for Others.....

Recently, there's been a whole slew of Simchas amongst my friends, including weddings, babies, and, of course, engagements. I mean, there were so many in such a short period of time that I was literally running out of things to wear!

In any case, with the Simchas, always comes the comments. Mostly I just ignore, brush it off, grin-&-bear-it typa thing, but eventually, it gets to you.

Here's a recent comment that really, ummm, for use of a better word, ticked me off.

So, here's what happened that lead to this comment. A friend of mine got engaged. She's an older single, and like anyone who heard was sooo happy for her (of course!). She got engaged to a guy that was previously suggested to her. Sounds familiar? I've heard this numerous times.

The comment: 'you should really go back over the suggestions that were offered to you and try and 'revisit' them. See? She wasn't interested in him the first time round, but look-they got engaged!' Then she went on saying how we can't be picky and maybe if this single woulda said yes the first time round, she would've been having kids by now, etc.

Point is: who are we to judge? Obviously the timing wasn't bashert then. Obviously HASHEM is the one Who makes Shidduchim and Who has it all worked out-not random people who are just there to comment and point fingers.

My point is: Yay! She's engaged! I'm soooo happy for her! But what necessarily worked for her (going out with a guy who was suggested before and who she said 'no' to the first time round), doesn't always work for others.